Hey. Hey you!
Remember me?
That old kite
That you left in the tree?
Look here, not there
I'm your teddy bear
The one you dropped
Who knows where?
Hey, I'm that figure
Of your dear friend Tigger
That you replaced
for a figure that's bigger
I am that ball
That you bought in the mall
I fell out of the bag,
And rolled down the hall
Listen, girls and boys,
No need to shout
We are the toys
That you forgot about
Oh, don't argue
You're all guilty
Maybe one or two
But you always will be
Remember us.
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141,368 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
I love the images at the beginning of this poem and the rhyme! Rewording the last lines to make it clearer that you are trying to say that all of us are guilty of forgetting one or two toys would make this even better.
For some reason, no matter how many times I try, stanzas are not splitting. I apologize.
Hey hello! How's it going for you? I'm Nire and I'm here with a review for you.
I like the concept here. It's not cliché but not that uncommon too. Your poem made me think about "Toy Story" the movie I adore! I loved how you made the poem rhyme time to time. Had a great fun reading this! ^_^ Your previous reviewer senor Odd has already left you a very helpful review and I think it's unnecessary to repeat them.
But, yes, :3 I think you should try using spaces between the lines. Stanzas should make your work look perfect! The use of punctuations was little messy at places, like you didn't use periods enough and all. The last three lines again I found little weird and didn't exactly understand what you tried to mean. So, that's it. Great read, overall!
Have a great day and keep writing! x
~Nire!
Hello, there. That was really pretty in a weird way. I like the flow and how some of the verses rhymed. The theme is interesting to, forgotten toys. It reminds me of toy story or Rudolf the red nose reindeer. Something about the end though seems abrupt, it doesn't match the flow a little. It seems like its missing a word. Over all it was a cute little poem that can be connected to a few aspects of life. This is probably more then you wanted hope it helps! ~ Whatgoescomes
Hello, this is Abhipsa, here to review your poem
Its a very imaginative poem. Through this simple writing you tend to bring back the childhood memories that one pines for throughout their life.
Childhood is the best time of life. And the toys make this golden time even more wonderful. As one grows up and matures, the forget the old toys. But whenever a person finds an old toy, maybe when cleaning the house, memories are inevitable. They come back and you feel like both smiling and crying at the same time.
Now coming to your poem, I liked it very much except that I couldn't understand the last but second line -
"Maybe one or two"
What do these one or two mean?
Then you have earlier mentioned that the children are shouting. What for? Are they puzzled about who is speaking to them or are they afraid of the voices? There is a little bit confusion there too.
Apart from that, I liked your thought. You have uniquely personified every toy who speak for themselves. They want their owners to remember them which is quite touching.
So overall you have a great job in front of you.
Keep writing!
Hello there, here to review your poem again.
I liked this poem. The verses are short, and you have a flow that is there throughout most of the story. Also, this poem made me think of Toy Story, which, needless to say, hit me right in the feels.
Now, there are a few things I'd like to say about this poem. First of all, the first line. I think it would sound a bit better this way:
I think if both sentences have an exclamation point, it sounds more right than if only one of them does.
Then this:
There is nothing wrong with this, but why are they shouting? Are they that surprised to see the ball out of the bag? That's what I think as I follow the poem's story. But maybe that is not it at all. So you could probably develop more on this so the reader understands better.
Finally, these last few verses also confuse me:
Okay, so those first two verses, I get them. You are saying that all children are guilty of forgetting their toys, right? But then the next part is what bothers me. Maybe one or two what? One or two toys have been forgotten? One or two children are guilty? But you just said that they are all guilty. So this is also unclear. And then you say they will always be. I'm guessing you mean guilty, but I cannot be sure of the meaning of this.
Finally, the last verse:
Now, since there is no punctuation in your poem, this verse may be confused as the continuation to the one before it, giving a sentence that says: But you will always be remember us. which does not exactly make sense. Otherwise, you may be telling the children to remember you, which is maybe what you intended to do. Or, did you mean to say it as a question. Remember us? I feel that this makes slightly more sense, since you just said they had forgotten you, and once they see you, you ask if they remember you. But that is only my opinion.
Well, that is all I have to say about this. Otherwise, really good poem! I look forward to reading more things by you, so keep on writing!