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a raw self-reflection about self-reflection

by Kazumi


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Hello again. Kazumi here.

We're back at it again with the 2am vibes. Or more like, 1:08 am vibes. Or whatever time it is. You see, I'm writing on a program called Cold Turkey Writer, and what it does is it essentially turns your computer into a typewriter. No quitting the program until you reach this certain word count or have been writing for x amount of time. Pretty wonderful.

So, what are we doing tonight once again? It's what we call self-reflection.

I don't want to call it diary entries. I don't want to call it journaling either. The former makes me look like a 14-year-old upper class blonde girl bitching about how her crush didn't look her way today in science class, and the latter makes this looks like an exercise I took from some self-proclaimed self-help guru who invades my YouTube videos every 2 minutes, selling his shitty happy seminar that I have no interest in. I don't identify with such Hollywood trope girls, and I don't identify with self-help gurus (at least not too much).

Self-reflection is particularly important. You know, we don't get a lot of alone time, you feel? We go to school or work, we come home, we talk to our family. And even when we are alone, we don't get to think about the questions that really matter because we're either curating our next Instagram posts or engaging with a YouTube video. Social media management and entertainment aren't evil things, but you do have to think about those important questions sometimes.

No shit, you may be thinking. Yeah, no fucking shit, Sherlock. We all know we need reflection, you fucking dork. The thing is, though we know it at the back of our heads, we forget about reflection in the hustle and bustle of daily life, and so we forget about its benefits. Or maybe we have never really reflected before, as in, really reflected. Perhaps that's why we don't know its benefits, and perhaps that's why we aren't inclined to continuously engage in it.

Hell, I have to reflect about self-reflection in order to remind myself about self-reflection's benefits!

So, why am I reflecting? It's not very complicated. I would like to take control of my life again.

You know, when things are spinning around and you need to anchor yourself, no shit you need a little time and a little space to set that anchor down where it needs to be.

We never really get bored these days. The human lives in perpetual fear of boredom, but that monster has been vanquished now. Social media and the capitalist society make sure we never get bored. It always makes sure we always take in these things so we're constantly entertained. But sometimes, you do have to stop taking these things of theirs.

Because if you keep taking these things in, you won't have time to think about the things that you already have in your mind, things that are perhaps very, very important to you.

I'm Kazumi and this was my self-reflection on self-reflection. I'll start reflecting on very important things tomorrow. Good night.


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22 Reviews


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Tue Jul 28, 2020 7:20 pm
deleted18 wrote a review...



Greetings, Kazumi!
(Using a name here feels odd for me, but I'll power through it)

I'm here to write this half-review, half-return commentary on your essay. A punnier person would call it a reflection on your self-reflection on self-reflection. Then your eventual response would add another layer of reflection and then the cycle would continue ad-infinitum were us to continue it.

Firstly, I like the casual style of your writing. It feels a lot like a YouTube video but minus the extraneous cuts and the shameless NordVPN sponsorship. It feels very directed, although it's just you spitting thoughts at a screen, and it shows. It's a very personal way of keeping up this ranting 'diary,' and it's refreshing to read.

I don't really see self-reflection as being something you actively do, I think it's more of a passive thing. Just sitting and absent-mindedly doing something you've done for ages to pass the time then a random thought creeps in your mind. A what if, a doubt about some text you sent at 3AM on a Wednesday or just a bout of anxiety. And I think that's for the best, because trying to do it I feel can sully the results.

The best thing you can do to self-reflect is not think about it and let it just slowly creep its way into your every day life and then it becomes ingrained. Every action can be grounds for self-reflection and it can allow it to happen simultaneously. You do, you reflect. Not drone, not obsess, just calmly think about it. Maybe brew yourself some nice Earl Grey, or a nice cup of Espresso to go with your newly found self-brain wrinkles.

And whilst indeed, we live in perpetual boredom, I do believe that our multitude of choices for entertainment truly perpetuate said boredom rather than solve it. So many YouTube videos to watch that you become so engrossed in, but in the end it's just a boring platitude, a pastime, an automatic ballet of synapses that don't entertain you, but just dull you and lull you into a sense of placidity.

Anyhow, these are my two cents. Love the rants, keep them coming. Try doing them at 3AM and you'll tap into that spooky factor dying youtubers keep trying to revive.

Cheers,
Bubbles




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38 Reviews


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Tue Jul 28, 2020 5:23 pm



Hello, I am here to comment on your self-reflection on self-reflection. To be truthful this work made me reflect on how much time I spend like a zombie in front of my computer instead of doing something with my life. Like I have a veil in front of my eyes and it is glued to my skin, not wanting to be ripped off. And it might entice me with its softness or quality but overall it might be bad for my life to live in a dream. On the other hand, it is not bad to dream, and I definitely identify myself as a dreamer. If I could fly to the clouds and make funny shapes out of them, just to confuse people or to make them stare at the sky for hours and contemplate...I would. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I self-contemplate too much I will find undesirable things about myself that are hard to change and too often than not I, unfortunately, contemplate on other people's shortcomings. Well not really contemplate, I just rage for about a couple seconds when people are jerks to me and remember their behaviour even if it happened years ago. But I don't want to hurt them, I just...I don't know, say stupid things, in private. It would be more awesome if I said them in front of the mirror and monologue in an inspirational tone. I would tell myself I am above being hurt by words (only sticks and stones would do), but then with some self reflection, I would know in my heart that I still resent them a little which makes me petty. So I have to change. On the other hand nobody is perfect, it takes maturity to change and I guess it depends on soul and personality. I want to change the matter of unforgiveness, so I guess that's a start. Anyway, that's all. Great self-reflection about self-reflection.




User avatar
38 Reviews


Points: 42
Reviews: 38

Donate
Tue Jul 28, 2020 5:23 pm
Beautifulsparkle wrote a review...



Hello, I am here to comment on your self-reflection on self-reflection. To be truthful this work made me reflect on how much time I spend like a zombie in front of my computer instead of doing something with my life. Like I have a veil in front of my eyes and it is glued to my skin, not wanting to be ripped off. And it might entice me with its softness or quality but overall it might be bad for my life to live in a dream. On the other hand, it is not bad to dream, and I definitely identify myself as a dreamer. If I could fly to the clouds and make funny shapes out of them, just to confuse people or to make them stare at the sky for hours and contemplate...I would. Sometimes I'm afraid that if I self-contemplate too much I will find undesirable things about myself that are hard to change and too often than not I, unfortunately, contemplate on other people's shortcomings. Well not really contemplate, I just rage for about a couple seconds when people are jerks to me and remember their behaviour even if it happened years ago. But I don't want to hurt them, I just...I don't know, say stupid things, in private. It would be more awesome if I said them in front of the mirror and monologue in an inspirational tone. I would tell myself I am above being hurt by words (only sticks and stones would do), but then with some self reflection, I would know in my heart that I still resent them a little which makes me petty. So I have to change. On the other hand nobody is perfect, it takes maturity to change and I guess it depends on soul and personality. I want to change the matter of unforgiveness, so I guess that's a start. Anyway, that's all. Great self-reflection about self-reflection.





It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and THEN do your best.
— W. Edwards Deming