~ Chapter One ~
The leaves crunched under her feet as she ran joyfully though the Forests of Raiyne. The girl had lived there her entire life. She passed the fallen tree, leaves, and plant life in a green blur. The sprites flew along with her, trying to beat her racing. The pale blue bodies glowing and their see-through wings flitting back and forth in their effort to keep up. She always had them by a few seconds though every time.
It was dinnertime and her mother was calling her. Even though she was twelve miles from home she had excellent hearing that comes with having Faerie blood running through her veins. Fallyn sprinted towards home, faster than the wind that blew.
Within minutes she could see her small home. Vines climbed the walls adding to its beauty, and candles flickered in the windows, giving it an enchanting effect. Fallyn stepped lightly on the pebble pathway that led to her doorway.
She studied herself in the reflection of the window before she entered the arched doorway. Her dark purple eyes stared back. She fingered her long, black, hair and tucked the stray stands behind her pointed ears. When she deemed herself presentable she glided through the entrance.
“Mother, I’m here,” she said.
“Come and sit, we waited for you,” her mother’s tinkling voice rang out.
Fallyn breezed through and gracefully seated herself at the wooden ancient table in front of her parents. She observed their faces, trying to find any trace of emotion and couldn’t. They ate in silence, as they had every night for the past ten years.
Picking at her salad, she wondered how meat would taste. Her parents were both vegetarians, so she had never had any. She strictly stuck to her plant diet.
Pushing her plate away, she stood up from the table and asked, “Mother may I be excused?”
Her mother looked up at her, “You aren't hungry?" she asked with concern.
"I ate a big lunch," Fallyn said giving an excuse that wasn't entirely true, what her mother didn't know wouldn't hurt her.
She sighed, "Yes, you may be excused, but you have to be back before dark."
"Thanks," she said, grateful to have another hour to spend in the forest.
Fallyn suppressed a run as she made her way to the door. Her parents told her it wasn’t proper for her to be constantly cavorting about the forests, but she didn’t care. She passed the forest in a green blur. Sprinting, she made her way back to her little clearing. It didn’t take long and she met the sprites halfway there.
The sun was setting and the dusk set in. The sprites pale blue glow helped her through without tripping over anything in her path. Occasionally she would cast sideway glances and wonder at their pale, transparent wings that flitted back and forth in effort to keep up. Leaves flew behind and she hovered whenever she could. Fallyn had never been farther than the clearing but feeling adventurous she decided to see what was past it.
Running past the clearing, gave her a thrill, she was about to disobey her parents direct orders. Eventually, she slowed coming to a near stop. The trees were getting spaced more and she had tp stop before she got to the edge of the forest.
Sitting on a fallen tree she pondered on her life.
She had been found at the age of five with no memory of her former life; she had nothing, except for a name – Fallyn. Life had given her many questions, and when she searched for the answers, the only thing she had found was more complicated questions.
Luckily, the couple she now called her parents took her in after finding her while they were foraging. Fallyn was spoiled, and she hated it. Her Faerie blood made her a rare being. The only refuge she got was when she ran through the forest.
A call from home interrupted her thoughts, with a sigh, she stood up. She looked at the forest floor, and kicked a pile of leaves, revealing an elegant, silver lined mirror. Curious at why a mirror would be in the forest, she picked it up and dusted it off, freeing it of debris. Her dark eyes stared back at her, uncertain of her lucky find.
The bleak, fading, light caught on the glass and it flashed in her eyes. It was a pretty, certainly, but what was it doing in the middle of the forest? Without further thought she pocketed it into her cloak. It felt important, its weight was just right for her, comforting in fact. Humming a tune that she had never heard before, but sounded vaguely familiar, she started for home towards her mother’s calls.
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Yes I know I need more action, believe me, I am about to post the next chapter, and I'll overdose you with action. This is just a buildup.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
In the beginning, the description of her house and herself were really good. I did notice a lot of comma errors and such, but I'm pretty sure that's what all the other people ahead of me already got to =)
I couldn't really find anything bad about it at all.
Maybe if you describe how she feels as she runs through the forest she will be more personable to the readers.
Good start!
*Raising an eyebrow.* Nothing bad to say about it. Just need to be smoothed a bit here and there.
1.) At the first glance - You say that she was running trough the forest. What she was feeling? How she reacted (as appearance)?
2.) Again - That lack of description of the atmosphere that she lives in.
The leaves crunched gently under her feet as she ran trough the Forests of Raiyne with her joyful laughter breaking that pure silence in a nature song.
- I changed the sentence in such way the reader can imagine, hear her laugh, her joy.
- The part "Her dark purple eyes stared back." - You can add "Her dark purple eyes stared back. Their inner glow always told the one that looked at them that she was special." - Or something like that.
- It's a mirror! Her dark eyes stared back at her, gazing at her [color] hair that was falling over her eyes giving her even more of that look of a Faerie.
- And I think it's spirits not sprites.
That`s it. Chapter 2 coming up. Luck!
-Akayl
Thanks, that sounds better than mine. Hehe, I'll change it.
The first chapter. I think I like the way this was written. Welld done.
Maybe you should change this to, 'Their pale blue bodies glowed and their transparent wings flitted back and forth in the effort of keeping up."
I think this is the only mistake I found. So, as I said I liked this story. And you seemed to have developed your character well.
Well, good luck.
First, I thought her name was Caolynn (or something like that). Or am I getting confused with something else I'm reading?
"beat her racing" sounds a bit awkward to me. Maybe you could try "The sprites flew along with her, trying to win the race."
This sounds rushed, like a runon sentence, even though it isn't one. How about "The pale blue bodies glowed, and their see-through wings flitted back and forth in their effort to keep up."
Instead of using "though," maybe you could use "Despite their best efforts, she always had them by a few seconds every time."
Also, though I don't want to come off as too nit-picky, you leave out quite a few commas when you use conjunctions.
Example
Sally likes her cat,(comma) and she plays with the cat often.
--Chelsea
Yes, it getting nearer to dark, it was almost dark when she was done with dinner. And she didn't eat. So she was in and out. Therefore, yes it was darkening outside.
Firstly, I don't think you need action this early in the story.'Vines climbed the walls adding to its beauty, and candles flickered in the windows, giving it an enchanting effect.' Why was the candles on? Was it night? But I really...Really like the story so far.
:P:D
Thanks, though unfortunately I had to change it in order for my story to work, I think you'll like chapter two alot though. I promise it had lots of action.
wow i love the cliffhanger - i want to read more! i think it needs some more though, more explanation, more descriptions - what do the sprites look like? what are they? what does the forest look like? what can you see, smell, hear, touch? i think it was too short but the storyline was great
Yeah, sorry about that. Its a bad habit. I am writing like three stories right now in different POV. I'll fix that... hehe, thanks for pointing that out.
First off, let me say how much I am enjoying your story. The characters are well developed, and the storyline intruiging so far. I do have some Critique for you, however.
These are two entirely different subjects, smushed into one paragraph. I would suggest turning the first sentence into a paragraph, describing the forest or the feeling of freedom as the girl runs. This will grab your audience's attention and entertain them as well.
This is a run-on sentence; you might want to add a period between 'hearing' and 'that'.
An excellent passage, though I would suggest bulking it up with even more beautifull descriptions. Detail is an authors most valuble weapon.
Another awesome sentence. Great word choice, and the last sentence makes me curious to know more.
You switch from third to first person, and then back to third again. It's a bit confusing. The dialogue is well written and beleivable however, something some writers have trouble with.
You don't need the comma between "clearing" and "gave". It sounds confusing otherwise. To make it even clearer, the comma between "thrill" and "she" could be turned into a hyphen.
Other then those couple of things (which look a lot longer then I had thought O.O), I LOVE YOUR STORY! Can't wait for more! I'd love if you could PM me when you get another chapter out! :D :D :D
I think you mean 'It felt...'
I really like this. You capture the mother-ly-ness (I know that's not a word). Doesn't every mother worry? I know mine does...a lot.
ankhirke took what I was going to say. xD And pretty much what everybody else said...so I won't repeat. Anyways great job! I'll be keeping an eye out for more!
Sunny
It's a good beginning, though it could use a little more mystery/suspense. You can't rely on a prologue to give readers information vital to the story: many people don't even read the prologue until after they've finished the book! I was reading this without having read the prologue, and I found your world vibrant and interesting, though I couldn't really get a feel for the story itself. I'm not sure exactly why: the writing is fluid; the plot seems like it'll be interesting - but something in the way it was told... I don't exactly get a sense of urgency or mystery from any of it. That may be more my state of mind than anything, but I'm just letting you know.
Also, you switch into first person for a couple of lines near the beginning:
I don't quite like the abruptness of the ending either: draw out the suspense a little more, let the main character know her parents are keeping secrets. Give her an urge to find out things and push the story forward through her own actions.
Overall, good work. I love the flow of your prose, and you paint such a beautiful world with it. Just see what you can do to up the stakes and get us rooting for the MC.
~Annie
Okay, okay, I get your point, I added some action to it. Hopefully, it looks alot better know.
I think it was a little stiff, no offence of course but I think you should be sending a sign to the reader something like "ooooh!!!! I want more! s/he has to write more!" But this kind of sends the sign "I want the last 10 minutes of my life back." Sorry, I'm not much help huh? Oh well.
-Max
Not bad, but it seems a little bit too univentfully. Maybe you can have more fun with words and spice up this chapter a little bit. I liked the way you described Fallyn. It was nicely done and flowed well with the story, instead of flat out telling how she looked. I didn't see many mistakes.
Its Thrill.that's the only mistake I could find. All you need to do is spice this up a little bit with good, and various words. Best of Luck. ^_^