Looking Glass

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~ Chapter Six ~

When Fallyn came to her senses, she thought her eyes were still closed. She blinked and realized that she was awake. There was no light, not one ray that shone through anywhere.

"Hello?" she called out meekly, her voice barely making itself heard in the thick darkness

Fallyn had always been frightened by closed in spaces. She could hear her heart pounding in her chest, her irregular breathing. Reaching out her cold hands touched damp wall on both sides of her. She opened her mouth to scream when a small light appeared.

“You in there, shut ya face,” a vulgar voice rang out. “We get de price for you and ya mother. Its keep getting higher by the minute. You both sure fetch a purdy price.”

Fallyn quivered with anger. Who were these strangers to take lives and sell them as they please? Her fierily soul revolted at that thought. She closed her eyes and imagine a dagger flying into the back of the body. She saw it spinning through the air, drawing to his back, piercing his flesh. A stifled sound make her open her eyes.

Her tormentor let out a grunt and he fell over, pushing the crack of light further. Fallyn hurried for the light and slipped out the door. Someone had saved her; and she wanted to thank them but that would have to wait for later.

Torchlight flickered giving the halls an eerie effect. Fallyn fought to keep her footing. Water and green slime covered the bottom of the floor. She tried to take a torch from the wall, but it remained stuck. Noticing the other cells she examened the stalls, trying to determine which one held her mother.

She walked to the stall next to her and released the hatch on the door.

A starved boy sat in the corner. He looked about Fallyn's age. His gaze was cast hopelessly downward. His bright green eyes stood out from the darkness. The boy slouched against the wall, and was the very picture of weakness.

“You can’t have me,” he said feebly. Fallyn looked on with horror as she pulled him up. He shoved at her but it wasn’t much. It was hard to believe that he had so little strength.

“I’m here to help you,” Fallyn hissed. “Do you know the way out of here?”

A light of hope appeared in the boys eyes and he snapped up his head.

“Yes, I know a way out, follow me,” he said as he grabbed her hand and led her out of the stall.

Wait! I need to find my mother, Rayne."

"We have to get out! Now! If anyone catches us we`re dead. You can find your mother later. C`mon!"

He started walking faster. Fallyn scurried to try to mend their pace. The boy seemed to know his way pretty well through the maze of grimy walls. After a few minutes of running, Fallyn came to a stop.

“How do you know where we are at?” she asked.

“I’ve been a prisoner here for two years. After being led outside to be sold so many times, I know my way around.” He replied grimly.

Fallyn started running again, following the boy. Finally, she caught sight of a gargantuan wooden door. Anticipation gnawed at her insides.

“How are we supposed to get through that?” Fallyn said in a worried whisper. “It’s closed, we’ll never get through.”

“Trust me,” was all he said. The way his deep reassuring voice said it, made her trust him.

He led her around a corner in view of the door, but they couldn’t be seen from their secret location in the shadows. It seemed a lifetime before the door was lowered, creaking the whole way.

A couple came through the door bound together with course rope. Fallyn started forward but was restrained by the boy. She remembered the situation but stored her anger and sorrow for later. Not daring to speak aloud, she vowed silently that these Raiders would one day pay for their crimes.

When the door started to close Fallyn’s worry overrode her fear of being caught by speaking.

“The doors closing!” she whispered harshly.

“Wait for it, wait for it…GO!” he shouted and started running.

Running the fastest she had ever run in her life, Fallyn made it to the door before the boy. She came to an abrupt stop. A steep drop made it impossible for her to get across unless…

“Jump!” said the boy as he passed by her. He didn’t even pause as he jumped.

"Yeah, maybe I'd jump it if I had been on the hurdling team," she said sarcastically to herself.

Fallyn’s instincts took over and she nimbly leaped across the dark pit. She knew better than to look down, but curiosity overtook her common sense. To her horror, she couldn't see what lay at the bottom. Her mind told her she wouldn't need to know anyway.

It was when she was halfway across she knew she wasn’t going to make it.

Comments & reviews · 6
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User avatar
Kaylyn
Comment

*edited*

User avatar
Kaylyn
Comment

Thanks a hundred and one times Fellow! I love those kind of reviews. It really helps me out and I'm glad you took the time to read and review this. I owe you big time.

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Fellow
Review
Fellow wrote a review · Tue Nov 04, 2008 5:18 pm

Salve! Let's see your work :smt023 Loads of things that you can add. In this chapter the drawing thing that you made in the first 5 chapters fades and with it fades the mystery - You get the point. I`ll just start with the beginning:

When Fallyn came to, she thought her eyes were still closed. After struggling to open her eyes, she realized that her eyes were open.

- It's quite the same thing and it's confusing. Change, maybe in :
- When Fallyn came to her senses, she thought her eyes were still closed. She blinked and realized that she was awake.

“Hello,” she called out meekly.

- Hello?, she called out meekly, her voice barely making itself heard in the thick darkness

Fallyn had always been frightened by closed in spaces.

- Add: She could hear her heart pounding in her chest, her queer breathing.

Fallyn trembled with anger. Who were the strangers to take lives and sell them as they please? She imagined a dagger flying into the back of his body.

Her tormentor let out a grunt and he fell over, pushing the crack of light further. Fallyn hurried for the light and slipped out the door. Someone had saved her; and she wanted to thank them but that would have to wait for later.


- Here you have a great possibility to describe her rage, her feelings, acting. Aswell you can change:
- Fallyn quivered with anger. Who were these strangers to take lives and sell them as they please? Her fierily soul revolted at that thought. She closed her eyes and imagine a dagger flying into the back of the body. She saw it spinning through the air, drawing to his back, piercing his flesh. A stifled sound make her open her eyes.

Her tormentor let out a grunt and fell over, pushing the crack of light further. Her face dropped in surprise. Fallyn hurried for the light and jumping over the dead man slipped out the door. Someone had saved her; and she wanted to thank them but that would have to wait for later.

- To tell you what I add : She closed her eyes and imagine a dagger flying into the back of the body. She saw it spinning through the air, drawing to his back, piercing his flesh. A stifled sound make her open her eyes. - I don't really know if she was the one who created the dagger and killd it but it would be a great idea

She tried to take a torch from the wall, but it remained stuck.

- Maybe she was too weak?

A starved boy sat in the corner.

- Describe the boy... he looks, his way of sitting on the ground, his gaze

A light appeared in the boys eyes and he snapped up his head.

- A light of what? Happiness, hope...

Wait, I have to find my mother, Raiyne.”
“You have to get out now! If anyone catches us we’re dead. You can find your mother later, come on.”

- Wait! I need to find my mother, Rayne. " We have to get out! Now! If anyone catches us we`re dead. You can find your mother later. C`mon!"

[s]He started walking faster. [/s] They mended their pace....


- You should add aswell the name of the boy. Maybe he could introduce himself while walking through the maze.

“Trust me,” was all he said.

- Something about his voice.

- Now say something about Fallyn. Is she grateful for saving her, for getting her out of there?

A couple came through the door bound together with course rope. Fallyn started forward but was restrained by the boy. She remembered the situation but stored her anger and sorrow for later. Not daring to speak aloud, she vowed silently that these Raiders would one day pay for their crimes.

When the door started to close Fallyn’s worry overrode her fear of being caught by speaking.

“The doors closing!” she whispered harshly.

“Wait for it, wait for it…GO!” he shouted and started running.


Running the fastest she had ever run in her life, Fallyn made it to the door before the boy. She came to an abrupt stop. A steep drop made it impossible for her to get across unless…

“Jump!” said the boy as he passed by her. He didn’t even pause as he jumped.

Fallyn’s instincts took over and she nimbly leaped across the dark pit. She knew better than to look down, but curiosity overtook her common sense. To her horror, she couldn't see what lay at the bottom. Her mind told her she wouldn't need to know anyway.


- Here you have loads of feelings that can be described, aswell as the acting of Fallyn.
- You can add some slight sarcasm there when Fallyn looks down : Can I go back into my cell? It looked quite cozy."

It was when she was halfway across she knew she wasn’t going to make it.

- Why did she thought that?

Well that`s all you have to add, change.
1.) More personality of the character.
2.) More action, acting of the characters.
3.) More descriptions, feelings.

Hope it helps. Luck!

-Akayl

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Kaylyn
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Thanks, I'll edit it. I see your meaning. As for cliffhangers...well, i love to write them but I hate to read them. lol.

AS for came to...its a term I guess you would say. Woke up, being my meaning. I'll change it though.

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Reuben A
Review

Hi.......


When Fallyn came to, she thought her eyes were still closed


When Fallyn came to what?


A steep drop made it impossible for her to get across unless…


A precipice?

Nice cliff hanger...and I thought you didn't like cliffhangers! Anyway, tell us a bit more about the place they are being held captive, and the dark pit, did they see the bottom, were there spikes? But please PM me when chapter 7 is finished.............Likes it I do........ :wink:



Doors are for people with no imagination.
— Skulduggery Pleasant