Thanks for all the critiques.
~ Prologue ~
Venders shouted their wares and bargains as Caolyn walked through the market, her golden hair glinting against the bright sunlight. She used her height to her advantage as she searched for the elegant, silver-lined looking glass that she so desperately wanted to find.
The crowd however had a mind of its own as it jostled her. Every person wanted to go their own way, not caring that she was looking and searching. She was like a leaf on a strong gust of wind. She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow; she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. As she moved through the crowd she could sense the Shadow coming, closing on her like a predator after the prey.
As she passed by a booth she noticed a flash of light as it bounced off the edge of a rounded mirror. An old woman stood there monitoring her booth. Caolyn forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals. She no longer cared about being polite; an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day. She could not fail.
The Shadow caught her scent as the wind changed directions. Caolyn could sense the beast getting closer. She picked up her pace towards the booth were she had seen the flash of light. Following her gaze the Shadow saw the object at the same moment she did.
Caolyn walked up the woman, intending to buy it. The vendor looked up and studied her face. Caolyn grew hot under her gaze and cast her eyes downward. Why was this stranger studying her with so much intensity?
Using her magic she caused a commotion behind the vendor. The woman turned suddenly to face the noise.Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when the woman turned her back. In its place she laid a golden coin to thank her. Caolyn smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne; she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste. The others would be just as happy as she was. She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the ancient trees.
Remembering the Shadow, Caolyn hurried her steps as she walked, it changed into a run as the black Shadow got ever closer. It reached out to grab the object that Caolyn clutched and she leaped into the shade of a great willow tree.
Nobody noticed the young woman as she faded into the shadow of a willow tree and disappeared completely except the Shadow. It let out a long blood curdling screech…
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hellu!! I noticed that you are an Ameirican Mcgee's Alice fan. Me too! I LOVE your alice siggy, too. Tell me what u think about my siggy!
, and i'm guessing these are fairies...? Likewise, i enjoy that you stepped up and took up a storyline that has fairies, because people are usualy not attracted to fairy stories.
Ok, first of all, you said that an entire group of people counted on her getting the looking glass. If i had the fate of anyone, i would be running like a bat-out-of-hell and flipping out of my tree. Show some more emotion and urgency.
i adore any kind of fantasy, especially vampires
Overall a good prolouge, keep it up!!! Hope to see you again!!
Thanks, I guess you're right. I'll think of something to add...
Good job on the prologue. It's a good length and keeps just enough hidden..so basically now we all HAVE to read more to get all these questions answered!
I'm confused though, was the old woman the cashier lady, or just someone who wanted to buy it?
I also think it'd be nice if there was a little more strain as to whether she would actually get the looking glass once she was in the store or not. I think it's just because there's all this buildup and theres a shadow and everything, and then she just takes the glass and pays for it. It was just a tad anticlimatic.
Prologue! Even with a broken arm I am here to review *the mouse gliding on the pad underneath the plaster*.
It`s well written and you wrote enough to drawn the reader into the story.
However!
It's "vendor" or "vendors" not "vender".
Hmm... The part of "She no longer cared about being polite" gives a vague idea about what she was doing to pass trough the mass of people. You can say "She pushed, kicked the poor beings that where trying so desperate to get out of that street." Anyway it's your choice.
You leave that crowded feeling to fade. " Caolyn smiled to herself and walked with the growing wave of flesh, sweat and anger until she made a turn to the left, heading for the Forest of Raiyne: she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste." (Or is it Quest? )
Nothing else to say. It's a prologue so I can't make you bring more info to us. Luck!
-Akayl
This was a very nice beginning! Wonderful job! -claps-
I just have a few nitpicks, but they're really not that big:
She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. {In here I would have used a ; instead of a coma, but a coma's fine, I guess. I told you these weren't that big.}
As she moved through the crowd she could sense the Shadow coming. Closing on her like a predator after the prey. {Try combining these two sentences. It will have it flow better}
Okay, that's about it. Other than my petty pickiness, it was an excellent beginning.
-MQ
Kaylynn,
Hello! How are you on this ever so cloudy day - well, know evening..? Hopefully well (:
Quote:
She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.
Run on. Split, add a dash - just do something.
Quote:
As she moved through the crowd she could sense the shadow coming.
Capitalize that or no? The :shadow:?
Quote:
As she passed by a booth she noticed the glinting off the edge of a rounded mirror.
“of”. Though perhaps a sentence of description? E.g. the
Quote:
She forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals.
The MC or the old woman? Yes, yes, I know, but still unclear.
Quote:
She no longer cared about being polite, an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day.
Run on. Split, add a dash.
Quote:
The vender looked up and studied her face. Caolyn grew uncomfortable.
So - so matter-of-fact. Hmm. Did she grow hot under that gaze? Did she know where to put her eyes? Body language, etc, show us that she’s uncomfortable, don’t make us take your word for it.
Quote:
Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when she turned her back.
Again, unclear pronoun thingy.
Quote:
She smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne, she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.
Run on. Same comment.
***
Hmm - Prologues aren’t my favorites. Perhaps that’s pretty hypocritical as I’ll probably soon be posting one of my own, heh.
All in all, interesting. Quests aren’t my cup of tea, but - prove me wrong? ^^
Cheers,
Esme
P.S. On side note, I do love your avatar.
I did spell Queste wrong, but its on purpose. Thats for pointing out those mistakes. I really appriciate it. Thanks for your review!
At last, I'm reviewing this. This story looks good. But you seemed to jump from place to place. It's a simple mistake. And some parts I couldn't even understand. Well, that most likely will be my fault.
Firstly, put 'height for her advantage' and secondly, put 'seached' for the second one.
It should be 'jostled around her'
Firsty, describe who this 'Shadow' is. I mean, is it a chamaleon, ghost, ninja or another thing.
Secondly, make this two sentences. It's to decipher the meaning of the sentence when it's a single sentence.
I think it should be 'glinting of' not 'off'
For the second sentence, you should put the name of the character or we'll be mistaken that it is the women in the booth.
I think the 'Quest' is spelled without an 'e' at the end.
I think you need to develop the character a bit more. We don't know nothing about her, except that she has golden hair. We don't even know her age. So, develop the Main character.
Good luck.
I guess after reading this edited version, there's not much to say now (unless you want to make it longer).
I suppose one of the only things I can comment on is flow. I'm not exactly sure how to put this, but there's something about the way the words are arranged that can change how the writing itself sounds. And it wasn't in the whole little piece, but it was in there somewhere.
--Chelsea
Hehe, thanks. I like you version better. I'll edit it.
Interesting I will read more, I want to find out somethings, hopefully in the next chapter.
- here's yours1. who is Caolyn
2. why is she looking for a 'looking glass'
3. what is that shadow thing doing?
4. why is it also after the 'looking glass'
The prologue was a little bit uneventful, except for Caolyn looking to get a 'looking glass'. Perhaps you could make it more eventful by spicing up the words, maybe for example something like this.
She was like a leaf on a strong gust of wind. She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. As she moved through the crowd she could sense the shadow coming. Closing on her like a predator after the prey.- mine
Only if you wanna. ^_^
I've posted Chapter one now. YEAH. Hope you like it!
Edited, hope you like it, hopefully it will be free of any stupid mistakes this time!
Excellent job, I'm dying for more. I can't think of any crutique for you, but I'd love if you could PM me when you add more chapters! Sorry for the short comment, and I can't wait to read more!
Edited, hope it lokks better now.
Thanks, I certainly will.
I thought that it was really good. It definitly capture my attention. There's nothing much left to say. Everybody else seemed to cover it.
Very nice job!
PM me when you post more, please! I would love to read more!
Thanks I'll do that. I can't let you know the answer to that question, it would give things away.
Very good...how did Caolyn know that the old woman wanted to buy the looking glass?t 'She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the oldest trees.' i think you shouldn't say oldest, because you just mentioned that the song was old. Replace it with something like ancient.
And, yes, the piece does interest me, PM me when the next part is done, if it is not already.
Be welcome
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE
Thanks for the critique, I have edited it and hopefully added some more suspense and urgency to it. Oh and to Sureal, I never said that loads of people would die if she failed.
*smiles slyly* just letting you know. I really try to get the silly mistakes, but most of the time I am unsuccessful, so thanks loads.
Interesting, it's a good start and catches the interest of the reader. Even though its short it brings up plenty of questions. Who is Caolyn? Why was she sent on the mission? Why is the looking glass so important, is it magic? These questions among plenty of others.
But that's alright, because to my way of thinking that's what a prologue is for, it raises questions about the story and captures the interest of the reader. The only other point for a prologue is to give background information, usually from another time line.
Overall I liked it and would like to read more of it as it comes along.
Nice.
I can't really say anything, because most of what can be said has been said.
As said above you have a hook, a good hook if I may say, a classic hook.
"looking glass"; is the story dependable of this looking glass?
The story line is quite good if you ask me.
And it is not too short. Prologues are allowed to be short.
Good anywayz..............................................................................................................................
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE
Get rid of 'when'.
Okay, the main problem with this was your editing mistakes. You went back to change things, but left a bunch of stray words and word forms (The other guy got most of them). Other than that, it was pretty good.
Does it interest me?
Well, it was a little low on any suspense or action or anything else that should hook me. All she's doing is going to buy a round piece of glass. No one will beat her to it. She just has to find it and pay. Other than that I thought it seemed interesting enough.
Hey there Kaylyn. =)
I’m assuming you meant that she walked up TO the woman, not that she walked up the woman.
You have a stray She here. It looks like a problem introduced during editing.
I think you’re missing something here. The sentence (mainly the second half of it) doesn’t really make sense.
Also, this feels very sudden. You great straight from Caolyn walking up to the woman to her walking away with the looking glass. Methinks that you should mention the woman holding it out to her, or something.
I think you’re missing out an as after Faeries.
Incidentally, this is also rather passive. I’d personally change it to something more like: She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the oldest trees.
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Anyways, you asked if it’s interesting. My answer is yes and no. The ‘yes’ is that, yes it is interesting, the ‘no’ is that you took a while to get to the interesting part.
Personally, I find it’s a good idea to include a ‘hook’ in the opening paragraph, otherwise you risk your reader not reading beyond it. (Did you know that many publishers reject a book after only reading the first paragraph? Make sure your opening is interesting.)
You do have a nice hook in here: she has to buy this looking glass to complete some sort of ‘Queste’, and if she fails a whole load of people will die, but we don’t learn any of this until half way through the second paragraph, and it’s lost in a sea of descriptions.
Start the prologue by telling us that, not with a description of a market place. Not only will it give a good hook, to incite the reader to carry on reading, but placing it right at the beginning places a lot of emphasis on it, so it’ll be more noticeable.
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But yeah, you have an interesting premise here. I’m interested in how you intend to carry it on.
Just, y’know, proof read your stuff before you post it online.
Good luck with this. =)
-- Sureal