Young Writers Society

Hellu!! I noticed that you are an Ameirican Mcgee's Alice fan. Me too! I LOVE your alice siggy, too. Tell me what u think about my siggy!

Ok, first of all, you said that an entire group of people counted on her getting the looking glass. If i had the fate of anyone, i would be running like a bat-out-of-hell and flipping out of my tree. Show some more emotion and urgency.

i adore any kind of fantasy, especially vampires , and i'm guessing these are fairies...? Likewise, i enjoy that you stepped up and took up a storyline that has fairies, because people are usualy not attracted to fairy stories.

Overall a good prolouge, keep it up!!! Hope to see you again!!

Thanks, I guess you're right. I'll think of something to add...

Good job on the prologue. It's a good length and keeps just enough hidden..so basically now we all HAVE to read more to get all these questions answered!
I'm confused though, was the old woman the cashier lady, or just someone who wanted to buy it?
I also think it'd be nice if there was a little more strain as to whether she would actually get the looking glass once she was in the store or not. I think it's just because there's all this buildup and theres a shadow and everything, and then she just takes the glass and pays for it. It was just a tad anticlimatic.

Prologue! Even with a broken arm I am here to review *the mouse gliding on the pad underneath the plaster*.

It`s well written and you wrote enough to drawn the reader into the story.
However!

It's "vendor" or "vendors" not "vender".

Caolyn forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals. She no longer cared about being polite; an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day.

Caolyn smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne; she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.

This was a very nice beginning! Wonderful job! -claps-

I just have a few nitpicks, but they're really not that big:

She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did. {In here I would have used a ; instead of a coma, but a coma's fine, I guess. I told you these weren't that big.}

As she moved through the crowd she could sense the Shadow coming. Closing on her like a predator after the prey. {Try combining these two sentences. It will have it flow better}

Okay, that's about it. Other than my petty pickiness, it was an excellent beginning.

-MQ

Kaylynn,

Hello! How are you on this ever so cloudy day - well, know evening..? Hopefully well (:


Quote:
She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.
Run on. Split, add a dash - just do something.


Quote:
As she moved through the crowd she could sense the shadow coming.
Capitalize that or no? The :shadow:?


Quote:
As she passed by a booth she noticed the glinting off the edge of a rounded mirror.
“of”. Though perhaps a sentence of description? E.g. the


Quote:
She forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals.
The MC or the old woman? Yes, yes, I know, but still unclear.


Quote:
She no longer cared about being polite, an entire people's fate rested on the outcome of this day.
Run on. Split, add a dash.


Quote:
The vender looked up and studied her face. Caolyn grew uncomfortable.
So - so matter-of-fact. Hmm. Did she grow hot under that gaze? Did she know where to put her eyes? Body language, etc, show us that she’s uncomfortable, don’t make us take your word for it.


Quote:
Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when she turned her back.
Again, unclear pronoun thingy.


Quote:
She smiled to herself and headed for the Forest of Raiyne, she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.
Run on. Same comment.


***

Hmm - Prologues aren’t my favorites. Perhaps that’s pretty hypocritical as I’ll probably soon be posting one of my own, heh.

All in all, interesting. Quests aren’t my cup of tea, but - prove me wrong? ^^


Cheers,
Esme

P.S. On side note, I do love your avatar.

I did spell Queste wrong, but its on purpose. Thats for pointing out those mistakes. I really appriciate it. Thanks for your review!

At last, I'm reviewing this. This story looks good. But you seemed to jump from place to place. It's a simple mistake. And some parts I couldn't even understand. Well, that most likely will be my fault.

She used her height to her advantage as she looked for the elegant, silver-lined looking glass that she so desperately wanted to find.

The crowd however had a mind of its own as it jostled her.

She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.

As she passed by a booth she noticed the glinting off the edge of a rounded mirror.

An old woman stood there monitoring her booth. She forcefully pushed her way through the hoard of individuals.

she had successfully carried out her part in the Queste.

I guess after reading this edited version, there's not much to say now (unless you want to make it longer).

I suppose one of the only things I can comment on is flow. I'm not exactly sure how to put this, but there's something about the way the words are arranged that can change how the writing itself sounds. And it wasn't in the whole little piece, but it was in there somewhere.

--Chelsea

Hehe, thanks. I like you version better. I'll edit it.

Interesting I will read more, I want to find out somethings, hopefully in the next chapter.

1. who is Caolyn

2. why is she looking for a 'looking glass'

3. what is that shadow thing doing?

4. why is it also after the 'looking glass'


The prologue was a little bit uneventful, except for Caolyn looking to get a 'looking glass'. Perhaps you could make it more eventful by spicing up the words, maybe for example something like this.

She was like a leaf on a strong gust of wind. She glanced behind her and saw a Shadow, she had to hurry and find the looking glass before it did.

I've posted Chapter one now. YEAH. Hope you like it!

Edited, hope you like it, hopefully it will be free of any stupid mistakes this time!

Excellent job, I'm dying for more. I can't think of any crutique for you, but I'd love if you could PM me when you add more chapters! Sorry for the short comment, and I can't wait to read more!

Edited, hope it lokks better now.

Thanks, I certainly will.

I thought that it was really good. It definitly capture my attention. There's nothing much left to say. Everybody else seemed to cover it.

Very nice job!

PM me when you post more, please! I would love to read more!

Thanks I'll do that. I can't let you know the answer to that question, it would give things away.

Very good...how did Caolyn know that the old woman wanted to buy the looking glass?t 'She sang an old song of the Faeries as she headed for the oldest trees.' i think you shouldn't say oldest, because you just mentioned that the song was old. Replace it with something like ancient.

And, yes, the piece does interest me, PM me when the next part is done, if it is not already.

Be welcome
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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Thanks for the critique, I have edited it and hopefully added some more suspense and urgency to it. Oh and to Sureal, I never said that loads of people would die if she failed.
*smiles slyly* just letting you know. I really try to get the silly mistakes, but most of the time I am unsuccessful, so thanks loads.

Interesting, it's a good start and catches the interest of the reader. Even though its short it brings up plenty of questions. Who is Caolyn? Why was she sent on the mission? Why is the looking glass so important, is it magic? These questions among plenty of others.

But that's alright, because to my way of thinking that's what a prologue is for, it raises questions about the story and captures the interest of the reader. The only other point for a prologue is to give background information, usually from another time line.

Overall I liked it and would like to read more of it as it comes along.

Nice.

I can't really say anything, because most of what can be said has been said.

As said above you have a hook, a good hook if I may say, a classic hook.

"looking glass"; is the story dependable of this looking glass?

The story line is quite good if you ask me.

And it is not too short. Prologues are allowed to be short.

Good anywayz..............................................................................................................................



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LORD ANZIUS WUZ HERE

Nobody noticed when the young woman faded into the shadow of a willow tree and disappeared completely…

Hey there Kaylyn. =)

Caolyn walked up the woman, intending to buy it.

Why was this stranger studying her with so much intensity for? She

Caolyn took the looking glass from the woman when she turned her back, she was relieved.

She was singing an old song of the Faeries she headed for the oldest trees.