Exile

This is sounding really interesting so far, though I think maybe it could've been longer. It did the job nevertheless, it got me hooked.

I think maybe you should try and give your character more of a unique voice in your narration, add a couple thoughts and feelings here and there. Don't explain it, don't bore us with it, just add a little to make us wonder more, to make us desperate to find out why she is the way she is.

I did enjoy it, and I feel that it has a lot of potential as a longer story, if you wanted to write it that way. There a couple gramatical errors, but I see they've already been pointed out below so I'll leave it as that.

It was great though. Keep up the good work!

I think this was pretty, interesting. I think you should describe her a little more, like, what color skin does she have, etc... And I would remove the "fast enough to move water" part, its unneeded. And, "Heat blasted against her face, her body, and the chill that had been felt in her body" I would put "the chill that had closed around her body before." But that's my opinion. I hoped this helped.

Hi there,
Going to throw in some constructive criticism here if you don't mind.

One sentence that stands out in particular for me is "A wall of water gushed onto her as a miniature hovercraft speed by fast enough to splash the water."
I think that the last 'fast enough to splash the water' was unnecessary and felt like it repeated the start of the sentence. Something like "A wall of water smashed into her as a miniature hovercraft sped by" would be more effective.

The description of her uniform is also a bit of a run-on and is generally awkward sounding. I would use "After all, why would they care about a lowly citizen like her? Her mustard yellow and burnt orange uniform would have informed them of her rank in society.

The start of your last paragraph also has an issue with the use of the word 'as'. She couldn't have stopped to notice the plume of smoke WHILE she was walking.

Apart from that, I think this is a fairly solid piece of work that you should think about expanding with some more detail about the world she lives in, the character herself and her neighbours.

I really enjoyed reading this as it was an interesting read! It had me hooked all the way through to the end of the chapter. I think your description of everything around the main character is excellent and was enough for me to be able to imagine a scene for the place. I love how you've ended it with a cliffhanger that makes me want to read even more!

There's always room for improvement. First off, what is your character called? I'm sure that readers would want to know the name of your character. I agree with LouisCypher on the character's thoughts and emotions. I think your story could be vastly improved if you added the character's thoughts and emotions. Also, what about the sounds and smells around her? What does the air feel like? Is it humid? Is it hot? Is it cold? I'd like to see more of these features within your story.

Other than that, I thought it was great! Keep up the good work!

Hey Kaylyn! Let's get right down to the review.

I liked the description at the beginning, and the character's introduction. Very cinematic. I would, however, have mentioned something of the temperature. Is it cold? Uncomfortably so? Is she shivering? Is her breath frosty? Does she have goosebumps? Sensory description is very powerful, especially if backed up by a simile, or in one way or another comparing the character's situation to a situation we've (probably) been in and can relate to. To give a bland example: 'it was colder than a winter's night', which you could expand on. This goes doubly so for when she's hit by the wall of water. Does she reel back? Cry out? Flinch? How does the water feel, soaking into her clothes?

I would also have liked to see more of your character's emotion in this, if you see what I mean. It would be a better way of conveying your character's thoughts and feelings, perhaps of impotence, rage or sadness. You do that well enough ("rage warmed her body from the inside"), and you do convey her frustration ("she could have saved that woman who died tonight") but perhaps you could do more. Emphasize this. Give your character an unique view, perhaps, that only she could possess. That makes things interesting.

While I think your introduction was good, your conclusion could be improved on. Sensory information, sensory information. Is she overwhelmed by the sudden gust of heat? Think of the crackling, the burning. The acrid taste of smoke and the hungry infernal blaze. What are your character's reaction? Fear? Panic? Desperation? Edit the last paragraph and really make her reactions visceral. Think: how would you feel if you were in that situation? And then transcribe those reactions into the chapter. Better yet would be to ask yourself: how would your character feel?

Hope this helped
~Ita

I agree with ladcat that the character needs a name. I'm guessing since you put this in the novel section that there will be more and I can't wait! Not much happens in this chapter. A lot of it is backstory info that you could have put in later on but it's not that big of a deal, it would just add more mystery. Or talk more about the world. But your plot is great.
One mistake I found was "...thinking about how she wasn't privileged enough to* continue her education to become a doctor." Forgot the to.
But other than that I found it well-written:)

Ooooh! Eerie! I really liked the description you gave.
"Her scuffed brown boots"
"Her dull brown pony tail"
Very nice work.
The only thing I would suggest is to have more paragraphs.

Wow! That's a really cool set-up! You should turn it into a longer story. It certainly has a lot of potential. I want to know what happens to her neighbor's children, and whether or not she gets to be a doctor. It would, indeed, be quite riveting. I like the simple but potent description, not too many adjectives but still a good picture in my head. Although, a name for the character would be nice. Maybe you could add a name tag and an identification number when you talk about the uniform.