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1000 Lives to lose

by EverLight


Note: This is a raw draft, I am lookign for feed back because I was stuck. Please don't mention how I call the main character Cosmos then Callisto once again this is a raw draft)

Cosmos opens his green eyes slowly then suddenly starts in shock eyes wide. He is surrounded in a moonlit field, filled with strange silvery green plants.

Cosmo: Where am I? What is this place?

The word place echoes across the world. Cosmo jumps when he hears an awful screeching sound. Turns to see two cat-like animals fighting, one of them runs towards a small tan colored cat-creature who is sleeping, yowling

Commander Koral: General Cosmos! There you are! Sleeping your head off? Why? We are being attacked!

General Cosmos: Thanks for the wakeup call but is that any way to talk to your general?

Cosmo narrows eyes suddenly realizing he has woken up in a different cats body is shocked to find that he has turned into light, hides in a tree and watches the two cats. Koral makes a bow an odd look on his face

Commander Koral: I'm sorry sir

General Cosmos (Airily waving tail): Save your apologies for a better time, right know it's time for courageous action

As he says that the general rises to his paws runs pauses

General Cosmos: Get the move on, or are you not fighting?

Koral races after his leader and the two dashes through the forest moonlight shines down and starts twinkle in a dreamy setting. Cosmo now a breeze gets up close to the two running cats to listen in.

General Cosmos: (Jumping over a vine like Log) So tell me when did the Antiforces attack?

Commander Koral: Around Sundown

General Cosmos: Interesting . . . .

General Cosmos rotates an ear a thoughtful look on his face slows to a strut-walk as they enter a field of grass.

General Cosmos: Were our warriors prepared for this? Or did they end up getting beaten?

Koral twitches whiskers and has an odd look on his face before answering

Commander Koral: I think we were unprepared and they did come close to beating us.

General Cosmos halts suddenly ridged the wind (Cosmo) picks up pace

General Cosmos: Tell me how they attacked?

Commander Koral: We were getting ready for our Sun fall hunting when Trainee Nightfall came running saying that the AntiForces wanted to make a treaty. We didn't suspect anything was up so we followed him. At first it seemed as though they really did want to make peace. They said that they were tired of fighting us and would stop if we would do one thing-Give up the land and the Generals Life in one final battle. Suddenly Antifoce warriors pounced on us from out of no were at first we were stunned to fight back but soon we picked up the pace and beat them all to easily and then they raced in four different directions in our land and we are fighting them there right know.

General Cosmos's shoulders slump ears draw back tail droops.

General Cosmos (Remorsefully): I was afraid this might happen. I've been neglecting this side of the universe for too long

Commander Koral (With admiration): Most noble General it is not your fault. As protector and defender of the universe alone you can't keep watch over every part of this universe.

General Cosmos (Passionately with resolution and a slightly lover like tone) : True. Since I angered the Antiforces a long time ago I started this and because of that I must finish this once and for all. I have a duty to you all you have always been my life and my every breath. It is know my honor to make sure that you are safe.

Commander Koral: (A star struck look on his face) I am so proud to be a commander under your leader ship my lord the two cats leave Callisto who turns back to his normal form. He shakes head in wonderment.

Callisto: What is going on here? I close my eye for one secant . . .

Callisto freezes spotting a cat stands still tail lashing nervously licks lips. Ears back.

Attacker Moonstrike: What are you doing in the battleground?

Moonstrike looks closer suddenly narrows eyes.

Attacker Moonstrike: Who are you anyway? I don't recognize you?

Moonstrike starts growling fur bristling.

Callisto looks at him wearily.

Callisto (Managing not to stutter but voice sounds strained and nervous trails off): I don't intend to harm I . . .

Moonstrike: (Irritably) Well Antiforce stole your tongue?

Callisto: (Confused) Antiforce . . .

Moonstrike: (Sighing) Very well come with me, I'll let General Cosmos take care of you.

The white cat walks off Callisto trails along. They walk a few miles out without talking until they come to a huge area with Gold gates and ruby decorated homes. Mutters rise from the place but suddenly cease as a cat that looks like another Callisto appears. Moonstrike bows low respectfully.

General Cosmos: (Grinning genuinely excited and happy to see him) Ah another stranger eh?

Moonstrike: (Bowing low) Sir, I fear he may be a Antiforce Fighter, but what do I know? What do you think?

Cosmos stares deep into Callisto's eyes then looks at Moonstrike.

General Cosmos: You have nothing to fear. This cat is not one of them. He is one of us. He is welcome to our camp.

Moonstrike's fur bristles and his tail lashes claws scrap the ground.

Moonstrike: Very well.

General Cosmos stares into Moonstrikes eyes

General Cosmos: (With the authority of someone greater then this world) Do not doubt my decision warrior. I am not the fool you think I am.

General Cosmos narrows his eyes in a menacing searching way

General Cosmos: If I hear you doubt my judgment then just say so. But if this continues I may have to punish you.

A pained look crosses his eyes briefly

General Cosmos: And I'd hate to do that.

Moonstrike: Yes sir I understand.

General Cosmos: We shall see.

General Cosmos waves his tail to dismiss Moonstrike, and turns his gaze to Callisto.

General Cosmos: Please excuse Moonstrike he is loyal he was shooken over the recent attack.  


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119 Reviews


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Wed Jul 04, 2018 3:35 am
Clairia wrote a review...



Hey there! Arden here to leave a review.

I see you're looking for feedback, and so feedback you shall recieve! Please do take note that I am only here to support/help you grow with constructive criticism, not tear you down.
With that being said, let's begin.

(I like to usually analyze pieces from top to bottom, so let's start by doing that!)

Note: I did notice a quite a few spelling/grammatical errors while reviewing your piece, but since those are easy fixes, I may only mention a few.

So, your piece seems to be a script, or a rough draft of a script. If you plan to develop this idea further, I would suggest maybe studying this page on formatting in order to have a neat final product.

Your title has a spelling error-- "1000 Lives to Loose". "Loose" should be corrected to "Lose." Thought I may just let you know.

Cosmos opens his green eyes slowly then suddenly starts in shock eyes wide. He is surrounded in a moonlit field, filled with strange silvery green plants.

We begin with an awakening in a strange place--Cosmos, who seems to be our protagonist, is in a seemingly quieted/peaceful environment. You mention "strange silvery green plants" but we don't hear much about said plants later. It's important once introducing something like that to be able to back it up.

Commander Koral: General Cosmos! There you are! Sleeping your head off? Why? We are being attacked!
General Cosmos: Thanks for the wakeup call but is that any way to talk to your general?
Cosmo narrows eyes suddenly realizing he has woken up in a different cats body is shocked to find that he has turned into light, hides in a tree and watches the two cats. Koral makes a bow an odd look on his face

This entire blurb right here just confuses me. Who is Cosmos? Where did the cats come from? Wasn't the protagonist just alone? There is a lot that could be elaborated on that wasn't there.

General Cosmos (Airily waving tail): Save your apologies for a better time, right know it's time for courageous action
As he says that the general rises to his paws runs pauses
General Cosmos: Get the move on, or are you not fighting?
Koral races after his leader and the two dashes through the forest moonlight shines down and starts twinkle in a dreamy setting. Cosmo now a breeze gets up close to the two running cats to listen in.
General Cosmos: (Jumping over a vine like Log) So tell me when did the Antiforces attack?

There are quite a few missing commas here. Also, a bit of confusion clouds this section as well. Fighting what? A lot is still unclear, and it may be explained later, but a lot of information is brought upon us at once and it's a bit too much to take it at one time.

Commander Koral: We were getting ready for our Sun fall hunting when Trainee Nightfall came running saying that the AntiForces wanted to make a treaty. We didn't suspect anything was up so we followed him. At first it seemed as though they really did want to make peace. They said that they were tired of fighting us and would stop if we would do one thing-Give up the land and the Generals Life in one final battle. Suddenly Antifoce warriors pounced on us from out of no were at first we were stunned to fight back but soon we picked up the pace and beat them all to easily and then they raced in four different directions in our land and we are fighting them there right know.

A few technical errors here, but mostly just missing letters/punctuation/grammar. It did strike me a bit odd as to why the Antiforces wouldn't consult with the Commander first before even daring to near their (camp).

Callisto: What is going on here? I close my eye for one secant . . .

"Secant" should be corrected to "second."

General Cosmos stares into Moonstrikes eyes
General Cosmos: (With the authority of someone greater then this world) Do not doubt my decision warrior. I am not the fool you think I am.
General Cosmos narrows his eyes in a menacing searching way
General Cosmos: If I hear you doubt my judgment then just say so. But if this continues I may have to punish you.

It didn't seem like Moonstrike had done so terribly much to receive this "lecture". It may not have been necessary.

Overall, good plotline! I'd be interested to see where this went.

Thanks for sharing your work,

Arden




EverLight says...


Thanks for the feed back!




What praise is more valuable than the praise of an intelligent servant?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice