How to Study For Finals

1. Don�t.
2. Just kidding, you have to, so take all the time you need to accept that. Mediate on it. Something like this takes serious contemplation for comprehension.
3. Reflect on how amazing the words �contemplation� and �comprehension� are when used in succession.
4. Gather all materials you�ll need to study. This includes but is not limited to: textbooks, workbooks, novels, dictionaries, perhaps a Bible, all past notes, quizzes, tests, projects, essays, reports, handouts, reading guides, cross references� so basically everything in your locker, everything in your backpack, and everything except for that one piece of paper with the single piece of information that will inevitably compose 75% of your exam but you just don�t know it yet.
5. Situate yourself in a quiet place that�s free of distractions.
6. Open your textbook.
7. Turn off the TV and all the distractions that inexplicably appeared in the room you�ve chosen.
8. Flip to the first chapter you covered in the semester.
9. Turn the TV back on; it�s Dancing with the Stars night and you never miss this.
10. Read the first page of indicated chapter.
11. Reread that page because let�s face it. You weren�t paying attention to a single word.
12. Busy yourself by highlighting the entire page. This is definitely the important part.
13. Take a well-deserved break and raid your pantry, cupboard, and refrigerator.
14. Find nothing to your liking.
15. Lower expectations and repeat.
16. Reluctantly abandon the food you weren�t really interested in eating anyway and return to your quiet, distraction-free space.
17. Tell yourself that you really have to study now.
18. Turn off the TV once a commercial comes on so you aren�t tempted.
19. Read over your first page of notes.
20. Underline the words that look important.
21. Open your textbook again.
22. Stare at the page for a little bit. This will transfer the information waves from the surface of the book directly to your brain, obviously.
23. Realize you invented that notion to reconcile with your lack of will to go on.
24. Experiment with various positions on the couch.
25. Decide on the one that is definitely the least comfortable.
26. Wiggle around in that position until you�ve been studying for thirty minutes and learned absolutely nothing.
27. Open your notebook again.
28. Discover what an incredible talent you suddenly have for art, and express your creativity all over that page.
29. Erase, erase, erase before someone glances at your notes and realizes you�ve been screwing around.
30. Read the second chapter in your textbook.
31. Actually read the second chapter in your textbook.
32. Highlight the important parts.
33. Actually highlight the important parts.
34. Get it together and really hit the books this time.
35. Use a pen, a ruler, perhaps a chair- whatever you need, just really beat the snot out of those books with your pent-up frustration. It�s not good to bottle up your emotions like that.
36. Consider a physiatrist.
37. Face the fact that while you were busy not studying, the test has come upon you�re a lot faster than you realized. In fact, it�s tomorrow.
38. Forget your most important study material at the bottom of your locker when you need it the most.
39. Reread the first chapter for the four hundredth time, because that�s as far as you get every night and some things just don�t change.
40. Still don�t retain any of it.
41. Scribble notes in the margins that say exactly what the text says but in smaller words.
42. Scan your notes for anything that looks easy to remember.
43. Strike out and head back to the textbook, where at least there are nice pictures.
44. Text six people and post three Facebook statuses about how much studying stresses you out.
45. Read the next chapter all while thinking, How much of this could he possibly put on the test?
46. Absorb the font, degree of boldness and Italicism, and quality of photographs.
47. Highlight the words with the most letters.
48. Eat dinner. Eat dessert. Shower. Wash your hair. Rinse and repeat and repeat and repeat. Brush your teeth really well. Make your bed and unmake it. Clean your room for the first time in six months. Discover new items and tinker with them.
49. Acknowledge that this new flashlight pen is pretty cool. You�d better test it out by studying in the dark.
50. Take a twenty minute power nap until your mom enters your pitch black room and suspects the worst.
51. Become defensive when a parent asks why you�re not studying. Remind them that you�ve been going at this for four hours. Assure them that yes, you really have been learning and you�ve gotten everything under control.
52. Close the door behind said parent as he/she leaves.
53. Proceed to panic.
54. Stare the living mess out of that second chapter.
55. Relieve your headache by turning on the TV and breaking open a bag of chips. Your textbook is still open, so it�s okay.
56. Place a folder on your lap underneath the bag of chips. Now you�re really working.
57. Become fed up with the system, everything on TV and everything you�re supposed to be studying.
58. Decide that you need a change of scenery.
59. Surround yourself with books on your bedroom floor.
60. Snatch up your cat/dog/bunny/fish and develop a newfound fascination with your pet. Establish a relationship. Come up with new nicknames. Search for fleas.
61. Abandon said pet once it�s three AM and all hope is officially lost.
62. Take a step back.
63. Admit defeat.
64. Accept that your fate is failure.
65. Cry yourself to sleep.