As the night lingers on,
These four walls get closer and closer..
Suffocating me.
You’re absence leaves me wounded and mortified.
Trying desperately to cling to any image of happiness or contentment, I play it cool.
I don’t call more than once, won’t complain when you ignore me.
"The moon is beautiful tonight and so are you.." remember that?
I guess it's true that some passions die just as quickly as they rise.
I knew it would be difficult, I knew you needed space,
but to be completley insignificant in your life, to be an afterthought, hurts.
There's a diffenece between being busy and being careless. You couldn't care less.
Yet I'm afraid to let you go.. I still need that buffer from the judging eyes of my peers.
I’ll keep you in theory and in theory alone; I’ve already lost you from my heart..
Lost you because you never had me in yours to begin with.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
hey everyone, thanks for the reviews! especially navita, i appreciate the honesty. and while i don't agree about it being melodramatic or pretentious, i do see where it does sound like an angry letter or sorts. i won't change it, god knows i never change anything, but you've definatley helped me see something i can watch out for later
While I didn't enjoy this, I can certainly say that there's something interesting you made me think of.
But first - a word on why not. At the beginning, the clipped sentences were great. They were a unique way to open the scene, to arrest us. It's something I rarely see in poetry - usually, we beat about the bush with long, rambling lines for 'effect.' You achieve it naturally. However, at the 'Your absence leaves me wounded and mortified,' I began to lose interest. Why? Because it seems melodramatic, hence pretentious. That's the point where I stop taking you seriously. The rest of the poems bloats out from there. It reads like a journal entry, a confession to a friend over the phone, a slam-in-the-face note I might have discovered in the narrator's drawer. Literal and lacking in depth. Certainly, it's got an interesting style by the way the sentences are structured, but no hint of imagination. What am I supposed to get from reading the poem? What image or feeling do you want to linger or resonate in the readers' mind long after they have finished reading it? I think you are more than capable of delivering impact; the first lines are a testament to that - you just need to find a focal point and centre the poem around it, instead of letting the lines run away like a succession of your thoughts.
Here's something constructive I thought of, though, upon reading the first few lines. It's called visual poetry - not exactly something I dance around emphasising to many people, but all of a sudden, I just remembered it. You might like to take a look and try it if you're good with using art design software (or just at art!) - I can imagine this poem in this format:
Two links, thanks to Lily...http://paperheartsyndrome.deviantart.co ... -156803525
(that first is my favourite) and http://patronus4000.deviantart.com/art/ ... -133305511.
Hope that helped you! PM me if you have any questions.
I liked this poem. It has some good points and descriptiveness in the beginning, but I felt like towards the end, it turned into a letter. Maybe if you added some more imagery or something at the last half of it to keep consistant with the first? Otherwise, I think it is a good piece of work. Im kind of tired of saying keep up the good work and its endless variations so I will leave it at that.
ashlyn
Hello there.
This is a great poem, I liked it a lot. It's very deep and you managed to get enough emotion in there as well.
This is true
Good job
Hey Katherine!
I like how, in your poem, you combined both your thoughts with physical actions... we know that it is embarrassing when he ignores you and we can feel the romance dying off a slow, painful death. It's really good! The next thing I think you can do is work on the conclusion. Right now, the conclusion is that the guy never had her in his heart. But... that doesn't seem very strong. I would like to see something stronger, if that makes sense. Instead of focusing at the guy in the end, I would rather focus on the girl. The guy gets too much attention anyway.
Just a thought! Nice poem.