~ Of all the possible things that can happen during the development of a baby, all the mistakes that can happen, I get one of the stupidest. Ever since I was born I had white hair. Not platinum blond, I’m talking about the real thing. You know that crazy old cat lady from down the street with that mess of shocking white hair? Yah, it’s that color.
Now, you’re probably thinking ‘how harmless is that?’ or ‘I don’t see how that is bad.’ Well, that’s cause you don’t know how much it has made my life suck. Let’s start with the beginning. One day 18-year-old Abigail O’Brian made the mistake of sleeping with some nameless stranger she met at a bar at 2:35 am.
And I’ve been paying for that mistake my entire life.
After learning she was pregnant, my grandparents disowned my mother. After being born with white hair, my mother wanted to disown me. When I was five, she took me to a doctor to make sure I didn’t have some life threatening disease . . . that would cost her money to fix. He confirmed I was perfectly healthy and that the hair was probably due to genetics or a birth defect.
With the words ‘birth-defect’ my mother went from ‘I-don’t –care-about-you’ to ‘How-dare-you-exist’. It would act with her like a red flag to a bull. One moment she’d be staring at me, the next fists would be flying and all I could feel was pain. I guess it was anger at my father for giving her a freak child, but since he wasn’t around I was the closest thing.
Once school hit I was constantly picked on. When I came home with bruises or cuts from a fight my mother would yell at me for giving her problems by fighting with the other kids. Then she’d make sure I’ve learned my lesson by giving me more. Other kids just plain avoided me because of my hair and because I was a target of the bullies and because of my last name. Even though I’m in high school now, I still have to come to school in a sweatshirt with a hoodie and hope people don’t recognize me.
Oh, and the worst part of it all are the people who think they’re helping. Constantly people who know me (or think they did) will give me ‘advice’. ‘Ethan, why are you always alone? Why don’t you play with the other kids?’ or ‘Is something wrong at home? You can talk to me.’ or ‘Why don’t you dye your hair?’
That last one might have been a good idea, but I was seven when I was told that. When I tried my mother burst into the bathroom and accused me of wasting precious, precious money buying hair dye and made sure I learned my lesson from that too. Besides, I never really hated my hair; I just hated everything it brought me.
Al of that brings me to the now. Walking home through the forest to avoid the bullies that I know are waiting and the self-righteous do-gooders after that. Then after it all, I’d have to deal with my mother. Sometimes you just need a break from the normal routine. Little did I know that that one little choice would change my life. ~
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138,973 Literary Works • 672,387 Reviews
I have noticed that this is a great start to your book! I truly think you will go far with this type of subject, how you write is very far from how I write, but it is a good thing! The way you write is absolutely great, it really uses the main character as the narrator extremely well, the personality is just great, I hope you keep this kind of tempo of narration throughout the entire book!
Now, spelling and misspelling (not that it really matters at this point) is great! I only saw two errors. (one of which wasn't really even an error.) You added a space in I-Don't-care-about-you. Then the second is the first word of the last paragraph you said al instead of all. But that was all of the errors I could see that were not already corrected.
Great work! I am looking forward to more of your writing!
Thank you for reviewing! ^u^
I really like this; it shows how hard it can be to be albino. This subject is very close to my heart because the main character of one of my own stories is albino as well and is picked on because of it. My only minor problem with this is that it sounds like the mother has beat this boy ever since he was a baby, yet no social workers have saved him? Wouldn't his teachers have noticed that he came to school with bruises and such?
Ah, well that is my only small problem. Overall, it's a very good start and I can't wait to read the rest of it!
Thank you for reading my work ^u^
And to explain why no one did anything is cause it's kinda a small town that's off the map. They really don't do anything ^^'' You are either one of the people they talk to or one of the one's they don't ^^ if they don't talk too you, they aren't going to do a thing for you. Why go out of your way for one little kid? ^^'' That's their way of thinking ^^''
I like this! I can tell the character's pretty hard-shelled, perhaps bitter or even antisocial, and typically that turns me off - but I want to keep reading about him. Perhaps my only small problem with this is that it comes off a little too cliche; again though I feel like this is only an opinion, as aqua said you really just gave us a run-down of this guy's life story, which ends up becoming a little typical for what seems to be a very unique and atypical character.
I feel like this chapter is really just an intro with a momentary glimpse into the direction that this story is about to take, so I'm excited to keep reading. Feel free to message me when the second chapter is out!
That being said, it was still a good start, and we obviously learned a lot about your character. I'm a dork when it comes to genetic obscurities and whatnot, so I kind of inexplicably love the fact that he has white hair as well.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Grr, double-post! Sorry. :/
It's ok ^^ Thank you for reading! ^u^
I like this! I can tell the character's pretty hard-shelled, perhaps bitter or even antisocial, and typically that turns me off - but I want to keep reading about him. Perhaps my only small problem with this is that it comes off a little too cliche; again though I feel like this is only an opinion, as aqua said you really just gave us a run-down of this guy's life story, which ends up becoming a little typical for what seems to be a very unique and atypical character.
I feel like this chapter is really just an intro with a momentary glimpse into the direction that this story is about to take, so I'm excited to keep reading. Feel free to message me when the second chapter is out!
That being said, it was still a good start, and we obviously learned a lot about your character. I'm a dork when it comes to genetic obscurities and whatnot, so I kind of inexplicably love the fact that he has white hair as well.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Like I said, I really like this one and the plot and the character and the style of writing you wrote it in. A sort of grungy attitude. Awesome.
But I'd like to suggest some things.
I think you should change it to
Next,
In the middle of a flashback, I don't think you should keep 1st person thoughts.
The flashback, in your case, starts of in 3rd person perspective so, I suggest the rest should also be from 3rd person perspective.
I don't want to change or alter your work, so I'll just give out some advice. Like I said, I think it'll look better if you write,"After learning she was pregnant, her parents disowned her."
And continue like that.
There's nothing wrong with what you're doing now, but it just struck me a bit odd. Although that's just me.
I think the 3rd person would be enough you only keep them in:
The rest is fine as it is.
Awesome, really. He has so much attitude and I love the way you wrote out his thoughts and feelings about his situations in such a...sure way. No doubts or anything.
Also, this sentence doesn't make sense to me:
I mean, I understand it, but it's not quite structured properly.
I was thinking, maybe you could keep it like this?
That's basically it. But to finish, I really liked this, it kept me intrigued and interested and I appriciated how short but informative it was.
Well, duh, aqua. This was the MC telling us his life story. How much more informative can it be?
Okay, then!! Keep writing! I'm looking forward to reading what happens next!!!!
Thank you for the review ^u^