~Snow~ Chapter 1

Heya, Kat-chan. ^u^

I'm pretty sure the person below me has already gone through anything there is to go through, so I'm just gonna make this a comment. Short and sweet.

Awesome and intriguing story. I like Ethan. He's different from what you'd call a normal person. And the circumstances surrounding him make him even more interesting.

Truth be told, though, when he saw the girl, I thought he was gonna close his eyes or something. Kinda disappointed that he didn't...^^"

And the fact that he'd let a girl who's only wearing a sweatshirt and nothing else to walk into town is also quite...weird. ^^" Well, he has his own problems, so I ...kinda understand.

Anyway, except for a few grammar/punctuation mistakes here and there, I'd say you're spot on with your writing. Keep up the good work!

~ I trudged through the undergrowth of the forest, no doubt getting scratches and stains all over my old pair on converse sneakers [I would remove "sneakers" from this part, just because about 99% of people are going to know what converse are and adding "sneakers" to it just makes it clunky]. I probably could get new ones . . . if I wanted to go without food for a week. I sighed, swatting a branch in my way. I just had to change it up today, just had to get tired of the everyday routine. At least the routine kept my sneakers clean.

Then again, Derek has been known to take kids['] sneakers if he liked them. But it was doubtful he’d take my hand-me-down sneakers that were probably last worn by Fred Flintstone. >Not much I can do about it right now though.< [The sentence in arrows is a little redundant of what's already been stated. Might as well abort it.]

Today was like any other day. Woke up to the sight of mother drunk on the couch again. Can’t wait to deal with that hangover. Had a marvelous breakfast consisting of a cup of water, a piece of bread and a few Skittles, for flavor.

Walked to school. Was picked on in school; in the hallway, the cafeteria, but not the locker room. Probably because ever since the sixth grade I’ve been changing for gym in the janitors room down the hall. [Better rephrasing of the sentence would be "Probably because I've been changing for gym in the janitors' room down the hall since sixth grade."] One gets tired of being teased about their hair and questioned about scars when one is naked.

Had a meeting with my guidance counselor ‘Josh’ for picking yet another fight with poor, poor Derek Newman. ‘What has he ever done to you?’ ‘Oh Ethan, don’t give me the ‘he threw the first punch’ routine again. Don’t you ever get tired of that?’ ‘We have witnesses that say you started it.’ It was pretty one-sided. [You have a lot of fragments and short, choppy sentences. It can work here and there but don't abuse it or it will ruin its intended impact and take away from your story.]

Then I made the change. It was supposed to go ‘I walked home to be stopped by Derek (Or Josh, or Alex, or whoever felt tough today) then trudge home and deal with mother.’ But not today. Today, I decided to avoid that. Just for a day. I know I’ll get it all back tomorrow, but I’ll have had a little break. That’s worth it right?

I have a choice now; I can go see if there’s another job open (because I’m seriously considering new sneakers) or I could go straight home. Can I really call it home? It’s more like, ‘place-where-I-live-and-where-my-mother-happens-to-live-too’ house. What makes a home anyway?

Then my face hit the ground.

What the heck? I got up to my knees, trying to spit up the mouth of grass I just got. How do animals eat this stuff? I looked behind me to see what I tripped over. It was a body. I just tripped over the naked body of a girl. [I would've liked a gradual realization of this, maybe...it felt too sudden, like "I tripped! Oh, I tripped over a dead girl! Even worse!" Instead maybe you could first describe her as a limp shape of pink skin, a mess of hair, a contorted figure - not that you have to be graphic, but it would be a good place to add a little embellishment and then finally state openly that you were staring at a dead human being.]
I jumped up, backing away a few feet staring at the girl. She looked around my age, laying on her back with very long light brown hair that miraculously covered up any and all inappropriate parts.

What the hell was a body doing in the middle of a forest? It didn’t look decayed, or bruised, or anything. It almost looked asleep. What do I do with a freaking newly dead body?! I looked around, but there was no one else there. I ran a hand through my hair, just staring at her, thinking about my next move.

Then she opened her eyes. They were vibrant green, like when you look up at a canopy of leaves from the trees with sunlight shining through. At first she just lay there then she sat up and yawned. She turned her head to my no doubt freaked out expression. Then she smiled and waved.

“Hi.”

Without meaning to I waved back.

“H-hi?”

Then she looked around and wrapped her arms around her legs, her expression content.

“Who are you?” I said once I recovered[.] “What are you doing here? And why the heck are you naked?”

She looked down while I looked away as her hair moved out of place.

“You know, I don’t really know.” She said, surprised. I could hear her starting to get up.

“Tch, here” I quickly pulled my sweat shirt over my head and handed it over to her. “Since I highly doubt you have any clothes on you.” [I get what you mean, but the way it sounds....I'd recommend changing it to "have any clothes lying around" or something. Very small suggestion but it just kind of reads funny.]

At first she just looked at it, and then she smiled as she took it. When she was done putting it on, I turned and got a better look at her. She was smaller than me and a lot skinnier. The sweatshirt, which was big on even me, went about halfway down her thighs and the sleeves were a little too long. But it covered everything important.

“Thank you, stranger. As to answer question, my name is Kit.” she said, holding out her hand “What’s your name?”

I considered lying, but she didn’t look like she was from around here so she can’t know about my . . . family. In the end, I decided to just tell the truth. [I like that you're working to introduce some background, but I would advise making it just a little more subtle to begin, then gradually explain a bit in a paragraph perhaps? We've gained few character details, so it'd be nice to get a glimpse at who Ethan is, or at least who people expect him to be.]

“E-Ethan.” I said as I slowly took her hand. She shook it once then released [it]. [Small detail again, but I'd get rid of this second "it."]

“Well, E-Ethan, thank you,” she said, playfully mocking my reply[. or ,] “I’ll be sure to repay you when I’m able.”

I held my hands up in a ‘Whoa’ position.

“Wait a minute, wait a minute, back up. Where exactly do you come from? And how did you get here?” I crossed my arms “Let’s discuss this before we talk about repaying me.”

“I come from . . . you know, I can’t recall and-” She looked around, a look of confusion only just appearing on her face “I have no idea. Can you tell me where I am, exactly?” She finished, smiling at me.

I let out a short laugh[.] “Well, this is Ridgewater, and you’re probably the first visitor we’ve had in thirty years.” I looked at her questioningly[.] “You really don’t know how you got here or where you’re from?”

She shook her head, her brown hair swaying gently. She looked as innocent as they come.

I sighed[.] “What do you plan to do now? Unless you’re hiding it in your hair, I doubt you have any money.”

She laughed at my joke, which I didn’t expect. “Don’t worry. The Lord will provide for me.”

My eyebrows shot up. Well, you don’t hear that every day. “Seriously, you’re going to go into town with nothing but chance to survive?” [This seems a little dramatic to me. I would take off the 'chance to survive' part and swap it with something a little less dramatic, but that's just me.]

She laughed again, shaking her head[.] “No, I said the Lord will provide for me. He won’t abandon me.”

“Ri-ight. Well, you’ll need some money I guess” I took out my wallet, and stared at the pathetic amount of cash in it. I had twenty bucks. I shrugged and took out a ten. “Here, it’s not much but it’s better than nothing.”

She looked at the money[.] “Are you sure? You need it.”

Taking a moment to wonder how she knew that, I shook my head and held it out[.] “You need it more than me right now.”

The thing is, I felt kinda bad for her. Some people have it bad, but what can be worse than waking up in some strange place. And naked at that. I’m kinda glad I’m the one who found her. There are a lot of guys in this town who would do some things different if they saw a defenseless naked girl lying on the forest floor.

She smiled yet again as she took the cash and stuffed it in her pocket. “I’ll repay you when. . .”

“When you can.” I finished nodding “Nah, its ok. Forget about it. Just, try to find your way home, ok?”

She smiled even wider as bounced up to me and hugged me. What the. . ? I stayed stiff, unsure of the protocol of being hugged by a nearly naked girl. [Haha, this made me laugh. :3]

“Thank you!” she said as she released me[,] “and by the way, is that your natural hair color?”

My mood darkened a bit. The hair. They always ask about the hair. ‘Do you dye it?’ ‘Really, it’s natural?’ ‘It has to be a wig.’ It’s not my fault my hair is white. It’s just the way it was. It came with the whole ‘sucky-life’ deal. It was key.

“Yah,” I said, waiting for one of the usual replies.

“That’s amazing!” She said leaning closer for a better look “I love it! It reminds me of . . . falling snow.” she laughed “I hope you don’t mind me saying but, I’m almost jealous!”

I wasn’t expecting that either. I just stood there in shock. First a hug, then I’m complimented? This is getting weird.

She ran her hands through her own hair[.] “But I like mine the way it is. So what is the direction of this Ridgewater?”

I pointed in the right direction, which was behind her.

“Thank you!” she said happily[.] “Thank you for all your kindness and generosity.” She turned and started walking towards town.

I stood there, unsure of what to do. Should I follow her, or just go to the house? I think she’ll be fine, the closest part of town was a friendly part so chances were nothing bad would happen to her. There are lots of self-righteous people there so they’ll help her.

Besides, I looked at my watch, it’s getting kinda late. Mother will kill me if I’m not home soon. She’ll say she ‘was about to call the cops’ and then I’ll have to pay for causing her worry induced wrinkles. That is unless one of her boyfriends has already come for the night. In which case she’ll yell at me for barging in on their ‘private moment’.

I made a face of revulsion at nothing in particular as I turned to go home.

Or was it just ‘house’ ? ~ [I don't like these last two lines just because they're a bit cliche and typical. But anywayyyy, final review below]


This was a good start, but it definitely needs some cleaning up. There are grammatical errors and whatnot, but more importantly you need to add substance and detail. Your MC comes off as being pretty angsty and depressed, so I liked the contrast between him and your new bright and cheery female character. That being said, it would be nice to see another side of him - things that make him happy, things that interest him, things that make him anything but depressed. DON'T give your characters Bella Swan Syndrome!
But anyway, this really was a good start.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver