Arc

by KatGirl

Published November 15, 2014

12+

In CAMP ENEMY

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                                          A branch of the apple-tree from Emain
                                          I bring, like those one knows;
                                         Twigs of white silver are on it,
                                         Crystal brows with blossoms.

                                        There is a distant isle,
                                        Around which sea-horses glisten:
                                       A fair course against the white-swelling surge,--
                                       Four feet uphold it.

                    -The Voyage of Bran, Son of Febal,  Dr. Kuno

"Perhaps," she said dryly.

The chamber was dusky and  quiet that they could hear their own breath. She was apathetic, so bored that she wished she could get up and leave. 

"Would you not want to search for the Vix Torque?" Jay raised his eyebrows. She leaned in closer. Once he had said those words, she had already felt addicted. But how could they search for it? She was positive that it'd already been obtained by the museum of Bern. He saw the puzzlement conveyed on her face.

"The Vix Torque was stolen. Nobody knows who did it--it was there one day and gone the next,". She was staring off into the distance, preoccupied at the thought of the Celtic artifact. She imagined it in her head, made of luxurious gold, its curving ends molded into pegasi. Jay's lips were curved into an amusing smile.

"Aurora. Hello?" he snapped his fingers, making her jump in her seat. He held back the urge to laugh aloud.

"Wha-oh. Sorry," she murmured. Jay drew in a deep breath.

"The only problem is-" he paused, attempting to form his words. "it's in the Celtic Otherworld." He bit his lip, hoping she wouldn't think he was insane. She pursed her lips, bewildered at what he'd just said.

"What did you say?" she said, making sure she hadn't heard him wrong.

"The artifact is in the Celtic Otherworld." Jay repeated, reluctance in his voice. She frowned, trying to think of what an 'otherworld' was. Perhaps it was related to the Underworld? Jay sighed; he should've expected her not to know what it was, but he couldn't blame her, since she didn't study as much as he.

"The Otherworld--in the Celtic culture--was where spirits would go. It wasn't actually as horrible as you think it would be; in fact, it was quite the opposite of a place like the Underworld. They actually believed fairies lived there-"

She burst out laughing, her emerald eyes glinting with delight. "You've got to be kidding me. Fairies? I fear for your sanity!" she grinned. Jay gave into a small smile that tugged on his lips. She was so amiable; it was hard to resist.

 "Honestly, Jay. Do you really believe of such a thing?" she threw her hands up in the air in frustration, the amusement fading from her face. His smile died away as soon as her had; not expecting her sudden outburst.

 "I-" Jay's voice ceased in defeat. Maybe, he thought, I'd become halfwitted consumed by the thought of such a... riveting place. Aurora sat there silently, staring at her hands crossed over her lap in a modest gesture. He leaned against the chair, tilting his head back. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..

A sour, almost 'old-people' smell wafted in the chamber. Jay sat upright, his face twisted in a grimace. He glanced at Aurora, making sure she wasn't watching. He then bended down close to the chair, sniffing it. Oh, crap.. old person smell, he thought. Jay probably shouldn't have bought the chair from that store with the 1980's furniture.

"Jay, what the heck are you doing, sniffing that chair?" It was Aurora. He looked up, heat rushing to his cheeks. "It smelled like old people." he flushed darkly. I've made a mess of myself. Jay buried his face in his hands. Aurora was snickering, her emerald eyes radiant with hilarity. At least he'd made her laugh--yet he felt like a child admitting to wrongdoing. Sometimes, it seemed as though she was more mature than he a hundredfold.

"There isn't really much more to say, is there," he stated. She was still laughing.

"Of what?" she asked between giggles.

"Of the Vix Torque, now that I've clearly been stupid enough to say such a thing." She stopped laughing and looked at him, though oddly she looked as though she was restraining her laughter.

"Well you aren't stupid--never mind. I guess you are." she joked. Jay didn't answer; his head was bowed, his eyed closed. Jay the Meditator, she thought teasingly. She moved to get off of the couch, her hands folding over the golden pendant she'd found between the pillows of the couch. Not like that he'd ever notice in his 'old person house' as Jay would call it. 

"Goodbye." she whispered, turning the knob of the door, slamming it shut behind her.

                                                                       *

The pavement was covered with dew, people hustling around in heavy coats and jackets. A thin sheet of snow covered the rooftops of Dunedin's busy street. She smiled, remembering Jay's 'old person' scene. He'd often done things like that that'd often seemed childish, even though he looked quite the opposite. Most people mistook them as cousins; they both had the same emerald eyes flecked with gold, olive skin, and brown hair.

But that's what made Jay himself, so Aurora was fine with that. He'd often believed in childish daydreams too, and to be honest with herself, when he embarrassed himself it was quite funny.

She took the gold pendant from her coat pocket, examining it. Dark and light swirls of color spiraled in it; colors unique, ones of gold and luxurious black and white. How could such a alluring thing be in his couch pillows? Well, he was absentminded enough to leave it in there..

A iron grip held her arm. She paused, scowling. A girl with azure eyes outlined with gold  and light blonde hair looked down at her, probably only two more inches higher than Aurora. "May I see the pendant?" she asked politely. Aurora leered at her, yet she was confused probably more than she'd ever been.

"I'd rather not give things away to strangers." her voice had a tint of amusement in it. The girl smiled, only a hint of one. It's so easy to make people smile! Aurora thought.

"Trust me on this one, fellow stranger. How about we go to that café over there?" she pointed at a fancy tan building held up by two columns. Aurora stood there for a moment, considering. Would it really be safe to talk to a stranger? At least it was public.

"Fine." she said, giving in. The girl nodded, leading her to the café that looked almost like Starbucks. As they went in, the ring of a bell sounded behind them. The luxurious smell of coffee drifted throughout the café. Aurora took in a deep breath, closing her eyes. A voice interrupted her.

"Are you in coffee heaven, fellow stranger?" inquired the stranger. Aurora looked up at her.

"I suppose I am," she went up to the cashier (or whoever he was) and asked for a mocha. He whipped around, pouring in the milk and some brown liquid.

"That'll be three dollars and eight cents," he said warily. Aurora dug in her pocket and pulled out three dollars and eight pennies, to be exact. The stranger didn't order anything for herself. They settled down at a table near the back of the café. Aurora leaned back against the wooden chair. The weather was perfect to be in a café, drinking coffee.

"Anyway. About that pendant." the girl hesitated, leaning slightly closer to her. Aurora had it laying in her hand as the girl watched in fascination as the colors blended. She carefully plucked it out of her hand, scrutinizing it and turning it over in her palms. She gasped suddenly.

"What?" Aurora asked out of curiosity. The stranger looked up with shining eyes, her eyebrows arched in surprise and her lips curved into a satisfied smile.

"Where did you find this?" the girl asked in wonder. The girl clasped it in her hands as the warmth flooded through her.

"My friend's couch, quite valuable it is," Aurora replied with amusement in her voice. The stranger's eyes widened with surprise. Usually you wouldn't find a beautiful pendant in your friend's couch.

"This-" she paused, "isn't.. from here," she said reluctantly, reminding her of Jay. Aurora's mocha tipped over and spilled on her coat. It's warmth was scorching.

"Crap," she muttered, wiping it off with napkins. Aurora paused, dumbfounded for a moment, taking in the stranger's words. She stared out the window, at the people rushing around with their normal lives that Aurora envied.

"Isn't.. from here?" The stranger nodded her head in agreement. How could it not be from here? Was this girl possibly insane? She looked up at Aurora, her eyes painted like an Egyptian, the mark of Horus painted on her face. Aurora began to ask why she'd painted her eyes that way, but remembered the seriousness of the conversation. She snapped back to reality.

"But-how can't it.." her voice trailed off. The stranger sighed, clasping the amulet tighter than she had done before. She gave a look at Aurora of genuine pity.

"I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm going to have to take this." The rest of it was a blur. The stranger had jumped up from the chair, sprinting out of the café. Aurora was hot in pursuit of her, mind you she was screaming like a lunatic as she ran off after the stranger. Unfortunately, she hadn't been able to catch up to her.

And of course, now she would have to tell Jay--who would probably scold her, just like she'd scolded him today.

Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review Review · Nov 15, 2014

Hi there!

The chamber was dusky; and so quiet that they could hear their own breath.

I'm not usually one to point out grammar things (mainly because I'm not all that great at grammar myself xD), but I know about semi-colons. I'm a big fan of them myself; they can make one sentence out of two that would otherwise not be connected. (see what I did there?? ^_^) However, the way you used the semi-colon here, it doesn't work. The way you can check yourself is take the two parts and make two separate sentences. If you do that with this sentence: "The chamber was dusky." That's a fine sentence. It describes what the chamber looks/feels like. "And so quiet that they could hear their own breath." Okay, this could possibly stand alone as it's own sentence, but it just fits in with the first sentence much better without that little break between. "The chamber was dusky and so quiet that they could hear their own breath." Doesn't that sound and flow better? (I'd give you technicality rules if I knew what they were xD)

He saw the puzzlement conveyed on her face.

Was it really puzzlement on her face? It says that she felt the addiction the second he asked her so I imagined her trying to hold in her excitement. Then in her dialogue after this sentence she talks about how it was stolen. I just don't get any clues that she's puzzled about something.

She was staring off into the distance, preoccupied at the thought of the Celtic artifact.

In just the last paragraph she leaned in closer to the boy (man?). Now she's staring off into the distance. It just doesn't seem to match up.

Wow... I'm feeling really nitpicky today. sorry

it's curving ends molded into pegasi.

That's the wrong form you used there. Just remember:
it's = it is
its = possessive
To be honest, I still get mixed up with it's and its. The way I remember is always check to see if it would be 'it is' or not. For example, in this sentence I would read back: "It is curving ends molded into pegasi". That doesn't sound right, so it would be 'its' instead.

Jay's lips were curved into an amusing smile.

"Aurora. Hello?" he snapped his fingers, making her jump in her seat.

Okay, this is like, super duper nitpicky. You mention that the boy's name is Jay, but it's mentioned in a... strange place? I don't know how to describe it. Sorry. But I think it would've worked better if you mentioned his name either in the beginning of the chapter or in the dialogue tag after the dialogue in this quote. I just think it'll be easier that way for the reader to connect that the 'he' that was mentioned earlier is indeed Jay.

She was so amiable it was hard to resist.

This is a place where you could use a semi-colon. The first part, "She was so amiable" could be a full sentence. Then the second part, "it was hard to resist" isn't exactly a full sentence and it really does belong linked to the first part. So a semi-colon would connect them well.

"Jay, what the heck are you doing, sniffing that chair?" It was Aurora. He looked up, heat rushing to his cheeks. "It smelled like old people." he flushed darkly.

Here you have two different character's dialogues in one paragraph. Instead of that, you should start a new paragraph at Jay's dialogue. That way it'll be easy for the reader to recognize that it is someone different speaking.

I really like the descriptions you use after the break in the chapter. I really got a good picture in my mind while I was reading and it just read very nicely. Where was that kind of awesome description in the first part? ;) A description I think is missing is a good one of Aurora and Jay. I found myself searching for that description, looking for something that I could associate with each of the characters. Even just a small thing like eye or hair color would be nice.

"I'd rather not give things away to strangers. Especially something that I've found in my friend's couch."

I don't understand why it's important for Aurora to tell this stranger that she found it in Jay's couch. It just seems out of character because she wasn't about to share it anyway. So why would she bother telling the stranger that she found it in the couch. And then later on here:
"Are you sure you found this in your friend's couch?" the girl asked in wonder.

you could have the girl ask where Aurora found it and then she can tell about it being in the couch. That's just my suggestion so feel free to ignore it. But I just think it'll work better that way because there really isn't any reason for Aurora to bring up the couch.

And of course, now she would have to tell Jay and he which would probably scold her, just like she'd done scolded him today.

I think you might've typed this out a bit too fast ;) I do it all the time.

Overall I think this is a good beginning. You've given us the main characters, Aurora and Jay, and a problem, this Vix Torque and the pendant. And of course we also have the stranger which will no doubt play a big role in the story as we move forward. You've definitely done a great job making this story come to life so far. Now I'm looking forward to learning more about this Vix Torque and the pendant that Aurora found.

Your dialogue is very realistic. I can definitely see people talking like this in real life. Over the years, I've come to appreciate and study dialogue more. In order for the story to really work, you have to make it believable. One way to do that is to write realistic dialogue. With that kind of dialogue, it reads very easily and it really brings the characters to life. If the reader can imagine these conversations really going on, chances are they'll believe that the characters really do exist. (which you and I both know is totally true because characters are real ^_^)

If there's any advice I'd give you as you move forward, it's just to add a bit more description. Description can be hard to write at times, since it's "boring" compared to the action, but if you force yourself to write it, it'll soon become second nature; it'll get easier.

Let me know when the next chapter is out!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Thank you! These nitpicks helped me a lot.

Random avatar
JumpyDot
Review
JumpyDot wrote a review Review · Nov 15, 2014



I was promis'd on a time, To have a reason for my rhyme: From that time unto this season, I receiv'd nor rhyme nor reason.
— Edmund Spenser