Thank you for using that thread of mine, by the way. Helps me keep track of review requests, and I appreciate that. xD
Well my first thought was MAGIC. And a lot of it. Kinda like Harry Potter magic, right? I'd assume it was that way, since you're talking about the cats, and wizards and so forth. xD Correct me if I'm wrong, but this cat is special or something? 
I'm actually super curious about this cat, as it just seems super cool. For starters, you've started this story off with some suspense. She's committing crime, her friend has been following her for five months, and then this cat sent her somewhere else, I believe. It's really quite interesting how much suspense you've woven in. The subtle details, the layered plot. Which, by the way, you did an amazing job at keeping the first chapter as something that drags in the reader but doesn't tell them anything that is too mildly important.
Not here. The cat's voice spoke in my mind, it was a strange sensation. I wasn't ''back'' yet. The cat's emerald luminous eyes flashed in my mind; and vanished.
I wasn't back in the depressing, dark city. I was at the place the cat had shown me in the ''vision''.
Apologies for cutting so much out here. Here is something that is throughout the entire piece. Your spacing between paragraphs is too much. One space is enough. So it should be like this.
Not here. The cat's voice spoke in my mind, it was a strange sensation. I wasn't ''back'' yet. The cat's emerald luminous eyes flashed in my mind; and vanished.
I wasn't back in the depressing, dark city. I was at the place the cat had shown me in the ''vision''.
See the difference? It's like this all throughout, but a quick edit will fix it.
The clock tower striked midnight-- a perfect time for crime.
Well for one, striked should be strikes. Secondly, I think you're trying to do the m-dash here, right? Well, I used to have this problem too, but a certain reviewer showed me how to really do it, so I'll do the same for you. xD
This m-dash isn't done correctly. It's like you put two n-dashes right next to each other to suffice. How you do it, is do the two n-dashes like you have it right here, and then the word after it, you place your cursor directly after it and do a space. That will typically make it a m-dash. If you still have problems then find somebody you know in real life to help you get it right, as this isn't correct.
There was pratically thugs and bandits everywhere to be seen.
That last bit of text was a little unnecessary. We already know that she could see them, as she was just telling us that they were everywhere.
t sounded like this person was coming closer and closer-- like somebody was approaching me. What did this person want? Did they work for the Council of Light? My mind raced with ideas, and than-- as quick as a flash somebody was a foot away from me, staring right at me.
When working this part out in the final draft for this, I think this should be a little more drawn out. I got basically no feeling of urgency from this. One paragraph, and boom! she's scared, wants to know who this person is working for, ect... and then next thing you know... in the same exact paragraph, she see's the person. Seems rather rushed. Make sure you draw it out some more later on.
''I know your there.
Here, you're messed up a little on your contraction. Your should be you're.
'I've been tracking you.'' she said hastily.
OK, for starters I'm not entirely sure what you mean by the double apostrophes. It's not exactly proper English. I'd just use the good old quotation marks, if I were you. Also, I've been noticing throughout that you're doing your dialogue punctuation wrong. When going into a dialogue tag, do a comma instead of a period. Always. It's a rule, that you can't break. xD
''So you're just not going to give me any straight answers; are you?
Alright, here's another thing. You use the semi-colon way too often, and it's not always grammatically correct. Semi-colon's are used to connect the sentence, if different elements don't relate enough to each other. They connect those elements up. This on the other hand, just needs to have a comma instead, so that it will just slide into the next element without a problem.
and that girl-- she was.. eerie.
OK, this is something that I find that a lot of people do, without realizing what they mean. It seems right here, that you're trying to do an emphasis on the word eerie. But you're using the ellipsis, and I just can't help but notice that you do that quite a bit throughout this piece. Try and get rid of half of the ellipsis, and try and emphasize the words, by well, the words themselves, and you can also use italics to draw out the emphasis.
OK, and I think I'm done for now! Keep up the great work, and make sure you tell me if you need another review!
Keep writing!
Points: 344
Reviews: 126
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