Heya Kanome,Pretzelsing here for a review,as was promised on your wall some time ago.Sorry that I haven't gotten to it before now.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we? I don't really read a lot of sci-fiction stories,so here you have a newbies perspective to this unfamiliar type of genre. Your prologue is something fresh and new to me.Well, I kind of skimmed through Chapter 1 and I am wondering, is this a true prologue? Because usually a prologue is written because it's either from another character's POV or that there is a big time gap between one chapter and the other. I am not that good at explaining this so if you want me to elaborate,just let me know.
I personally like that this is written in the first person POV because that makes your whole novel so much more personal and kind of like mine/yours if you see what I mean. And now, you can incorporate so much more emotion and feeling into this prologue.
Jerr's parents just died so he must be feeling something on the inside. Sadness, madness, sorrow, emptiness,etc. I don't know what he is feeling, so you as the Author should decide. There is so minimal emotion here, that I don't feel by any way connected to them. I'm honestly can't tolerate 0 emotion so I am unsympathetic for Jerr.
Not only did his parents die,but in the span of one day he has to leave his (childhood?) home forever, never come back and not live in safety.
Planet Earth, once rich in nature and its people, has become a post-war disaster.
I just wanted to point out that you whole first paragraph is telling. Even though this has been repeated hundreds of time by reviewers here on YWS, I can't stress this one point enough. It's show,not tell
I really can't imagine how the LUNs look like,even though you gave this sentence:
Its skin: pale, dry, with a tint of tan.
That is too vague and unspecific for me.You need to work on recreating the image of the LUNs, something apparently very important in this novel.
Now I want to see that in this first sentence. "Once it was rich in nature and it's people" doesn't give me any mental picture at all. I really see a blank screen while reading this whole first paragraph. Here is how I would write it(just as an example for you to use)
Pretzelsing wrote:Planet Earth, was once displayed roaring waterfalls that carved a granite rock's path on the way down, mountains taller than the clouds-as far as one's eye could reach in sight, rainforests that have lush-green leaf upon leaf in the top of the canopy,under the wide expanse of the shining sun. The people were all different colors and cultures, but molded in all together like one clay pot,shaped by the hands of the Holy Creator. They interacted using their international sign language; gestures of hands were visually more understandable than spoken words.
Now, when you read this and reread this, I think that you could get a much better mental picture of the surroundings here. Can't you almost hear the waterfalls, see the mountains, and fly over the canopy of the rainforests? That is exactly what you have to evoke in your readers.
Caught by the LUNs is a living nightmare.
This is very cliché, and I know that you can do better than this, because every writer can just write a cliché. Twist it up, or change the parallel overall, and make it more uniquely and creative your phrase in your book. I really have a strong dislike to clichés, and this is no exception.
“You go hide. Your big brother will check inside.”
This popped out to me in the text terribly, as so I had to point this out. Why is Jerr telling Melanie "your big brother" when he could have simply written "I will check . . ."
“But…”
I am frustrated at the number of writers who get ellipsis wrong. Here is how you are supposed to grammatically correct format them:
word space dot space dot space dot
"But . . ."
I didn’t understand why this was happening to us, to me, to my sister, to the world.I didn’t understand at all.
These two sentences are basically saying the same thing. I would eliminate the second one.
That was the day where I decided to become stronger.
You can't decide to become stronger. Strength bubbles from the inside, and you have to act like it,if you do ever decide that you want to be this. We shall see if Jerr is strong and stronger in the future chapters. Remember, if you wrote this sentence, this is what you are going to have to measure him by.
I didn't want to sugarcoat my critique of this prologue, and the things that I missed, I am pretty sure that JK covered. I hope that I didn't repeat anything that the previous reviewers wrote, I just don't really read them to confuse my mind.
Overall, this is a start that needs some polishing and work to make it look like a masterpiece(and it could be- after it's editing). I hope that this review helps you improve your writing.
Peace out
/pretzelsing/
Points: 37216
Reviews: 346
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