A/N: The alien language I used in the chapter is just words I found on the internet. So honestly, I do not know what it means. I hope that it's okay for you readers c: Good day.
Chapter One: Cracked Chests
I was sitting against the decomposed walls of the grocery store where others, including myself, took shelter for a few days. I kept reading the book in my hands, studying the alien language. I was never interested in this kind of thing in the past, but after my parents were murdered, I had to find a way to fight back.
“Still reading that book, Jerr?” My sister stood in front of me, looking down at the book.
“Yeah.”
My sister, Melanie, was never interested in the alien language like I was, but she wanted to help me out somehow.
Melanie took out her crossbow, pulling back the arrow she equipped on it. “I’ll be outside.”
“It’s too dangerous.”
“Ha! I am a 20 year old woman. I’m not a little girl anymore, Jerr.” Melanie headed outside, not heeding my words. I sighed softly, continuing to read my book.
Many minutes has passed, and Melanie has not come back.
“Son of a…”
I stood up, placing mybook in my bag as I ran outside.
I noticed one of the LUNs walking around the area. “Shit…” I hid behind a rusty truck, peeking my head out to search for my sister. All I could see what was rusty, old cars and dead grass. No sign of her.
“Where did she run off to…?”
I noticed the LUN turn as I quickly slip back behind the truck. My breathing became heavy. I took hold of my pistol, placing my finger on the trigger. I poked my head out once again, seeing if the LUN was still there. “It’s gone…” Then, I heard footsteps. I took out the pistol out, holding onto the trigger. The footsteps drew closer. I swallowed as I step out of my hiding spot, pointing my pistol at the target.
“Woah!”
It was Melanie. “There you are. Damn, where did you run off to?”
“I was exploring. Geez.”
I sighed in relief. “I thought you got captured.”
Melanie smirked at meas she patted my back. “Awh, you know I am better skilled than that. Anyways, I found something interesting.”
“Define interesting.”
“I mean, something you might be interested in. Look.” Melanie took off her backpack and placed it on the ground, opening it. She took out a small box in a shape of a chest. It had inscriptions at the front of the chest. Seemed like… alien language.
“Give me that.” Melanie slowly gave me the small chest.
“What do you think is inside?”
“Don’t know.” I read the inscription closely, recognizing the symbols. “This is Ithklur.”
“Ithklur?”
“One of the alien languages. Maybe the LUNs’ native language. Let’s see…”
I took out my book, trying to decipher the symbols. “'ulakaa xatra…”
“What the heck does that mean?”
“Let’s see…” I kept deciphering the text. “Crystal Key.”
“Crystal Key?”
“Yeah… for what though?” I thought hard of what it could mean. Crystal Key.
I placed the chest back inside Melanie’s back as we headed back inside the building slowly. I kept thinking about the inscription, and what was inside the chest. Melanie took out a small bag of potato chips, gnawing at them slowly. “Delicious.”
I looked at her, chuckling softly.
“Want some, Jerr?”
“Nah.”
“Still thinking about that chest?”
“Yeah… I wonder what it could mean.”
“Maybe there is a scientist around somewhere.”
I glared at her. “And where did you get that idea?”
Melanie smirked once again. “There always one in apocalypse movies. SO there should be one in real life, right?”
I never understood why she used to watch those as a kid, but it was the only lead we got.
“We head out tomorrow morning then.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Heya Kanome, I know that I am kind of late in reviewing this, but I did review your prologue some time ago and I felt kind of obliged to review this. Since it's review day, and I have time, I thought "Why not!". I see that you have posted this a pretty long time ago, are you still continuing in writing this? I hope so , because it is always a bad idea to give up on a novel.
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?
There wasn't really any nitpicks, so I won't try to talk about that.
So, this is set so much into the future since the prologue, which is to be expected even. I think then this prologue is valid and you did a good job of introducing the whole story and plotline. Melanie is 20? I think that she was a little girl in the last chapter, so there is a big time difference *rambles off*
Anyways, about the alien language in your A/N, it kind of does bother me that you don't know the meaning of the words that you are writing. Because right now, it just looks like random letters with spaces are in your writing, and that proves something not all so good about your research here. If you know what this means, you are informed and can inform others. It's as simple as that.
Ohh, Crystal Key? Sounds interesting to me, and I think that this a clue to uncovering their puzzle. Now when I noticed their dialogue, to me it seemed like dead dialogue that felt flat and had no emotion of action at all. I want more of that, more things happening between the lines. Here is just to provide you with an example of what I mean:
Here is what I would do:
I'm not saying that the above is good, or even the best, just that has more actions and emotion breathed into the scenes.
Jerr is really ready with his pistol, but after what he saw, do you really think that he could defeat the aliens with a gun? That idea kind of seems absurd, but then again, maybe he wasn't meaning to do that, but just try to find Mel and get them back to the grocery store safely.
Last thing that I wanted to mention, is even though you have a prologue, remember that this is the first chapter. You need to hook the readers in(because not all people read prologues-they sometimes skip over them) and so if you don't have anything to draw the readers in, then they might not to read at all. So please be mindful that you need a good hook at the beginning of the prologue and the first chapter.
That's all I have for you today, and I'm sorry if this review is short, but you chapter is pretty short(on that note-I would maybe make it a bit longer? I know that you can churn out some more words-because again, the first chapter is the start of this whole novel and you want a substantial length.
I hope that this review helps you improve your writing. If you have any questions/comments then please let me know by replying below.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzelsing[color]/
I loved the story, I'm looking forward to a chapter two. You have a good thing going here, I look forward to where you take it. Sci-fi is my favorite genre in basically everything. I really hope you stay because you're a great writer, I loved every story of yourself I have read, and believe me I have read them all. This one and your apocalyptic one are my favorites because I love sci-fi. Anyway loved this story and looking forward to your next chapters.
This is my first sci-fi novel c: So I am glad I am getting positive feedback.
That's because you're such a amazing writer. You always have just the right amount of details dialogue and emotional reaction, a balance most don't have. I am a very picky reader, but I haven't seen anything of your published works and I have read them all. Some I read a couple times, you're definitely one of the most talented writers I have seen on YWS.
That's because you're such a amazing writer. You always have just the right amount of details dialogue and emotional reaction, a balance most don't have. I am a very picky reader, but I haven't seen anything of your published works and I have read them all. Some I read a couple times, you're definitely one of the most talented writers I have seen on YWS.
That's because you're such a amazing writer. You always have just the right amount of details dialogue and emotional reaction, a balance most don't have. I am a very picky reader, but I haven't seen anything of your published works and I have read them all. Some I read a couple times, you're definitely one of the most talented writers I have seen on YWS.
Awh, thank you c:
Your welcome, I have read literally all the stuff you published. Some like this a couple times. You are probably one of the best writers on the site, if not the best.
Not sure how my comment posted three times though, but the site is buggy so I assume that's how.
Hello! Ash Here for a Review!
Yes! First chapter! Awesome work on it, drew me in from the first paragraph (As did the prologue)!
Found no grammar, spelling, and other mistakes. Just wish there was more to read (Hehe)!
Perhaps you could give a bit more description about there surroundings, the chest, etc. ?
I know good details draw in some people, not always the case with me, but I know some that do get drawn in by good settings. Anyways, can't wait to read more!
*Stalks and waits for next chapter* (cx)
Hey!
Just wanted to say good job... I know how hard it is to write a first chapter and you did a good job of it!
While I was reading through, I noticed a couple little grammar mistakes you might want to check up on... but enough with the boring stuff
What I really wanted to mention was how you kick this story off. You start with your main character (a guy, I'm assuming) reading a book in an old grocery store. There's absolutely nothing wrong with this paragraph. It's the fact that it's the first paragraph in the story, and nothing in it really grabbed my attention and "hooked" me. What I'm trying to get at (and probably failing) is that I think maybe you should add a previous paragraph or a prologue to your story to make it more engaging. Something to capture your readers attention and say "hey, I'm different! Read me!"
You drop a hint about a parents murder - use that, and turn it into a riveting flashback. Or throw in a quick scene of how aliens came to be. There's a lot you can do with this, and that's why I think it's such a promising story!
Hope this helped you! And again, you did a great job on this! I like where it's going and I hope to see more!
There is a prologue added to this story and it explains some of the stuff in this chapter.