Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
Alexandria and the man stepped inside a hotel room, locking the door and dimming the lights down low. The man pressed his lips against Alexandria's hard and deep. The kiss became passionate, intensifying. His tongue explored her mouth violently as he gripped Alexandria's tiny waist. Alexandria felt a warm sensation against her arse as the man began to grope her breasts gently. A soft moan came out of her lips, feeling aroused all over her body.
Alexandria pinned him down on the bed, noticing the bulge in between his legs becoming more and more erect. She unbuttons his pants slowly as she caressed his thighs slowly, making the man even more erect. His growth stood tall after she removed his pants and boxer. She pressed her hot, wet tongue against his growth, making the man moan softly in pleasure. The feeling excited the man more and more from Alexandria's touch. He placed his hand on the back of her head gently, thrusting himself inside of her lips hard.
She began to moan from the feeling in her mouth. The man pulled his growth out slowly as he laid her down on the bed gently, sliding off her shorts and panties, revealing the wetness in between her legs.He began to rub the wetness slowly, making Alexandria moan out softly in pleasure. He pressed his middle finger inside of her, feeling the warmth of her insides. She kept moaning out softly as he kept feeling her warmth.
Now came the moment of ultimate pleasure. The man unbuttoned his shirt, revealing his masculine chest as he lifted up Alexandria's shirt, revealing her breasts. He went in between her legs, having his growth pressed against her gently. "You ready, baby?" The man smirked at her lovingly. Alexandria nodded and smirked seductively at him. "Oh, I am so ready."
He began to slide his whole length inside of her deep, but gently. Alexandria moaned out softly in pleasure, feeling his length thrust in and out, increasing his speed little by little.
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137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hi! I'm here, as promised, albeit late. x)
Just make sure you rate it properly so the reader knows what they're getting in to!
Let me know when you write the next chapter!
Okay, so I agree with Aria. This definitely doesn't feel like a chapter. It feels like a smut scene that should've been combined with the first one. Either that or continued more.
Okay, so: are you somewhat experienced with writing smut? You don't shy away from details but you don't seem very confident with your writing. Don't be afraid to let it out; if you're gonna write smut, write it! Explicit is essential when writing smut.
Other than that, I think you have a good start going. You still haven't really explained the reasons behind Alexandria's actions, but I assume you'll get to that after they have sex? Maybe she'll demand payment? Maybe she's just someone who does it for fun and leaves without payment? Whatever the reason is, I look forward to finding out what it is.
-Igs
Hey there, Kanome~
First off, let me tell you that I've read your first chapter as well, even though I haven't reviewed it. I like the title you came up with, that's what drew me in - especially since there are many ways of understanding both terms, and I was curious which way you'd choose
Now, I must say I would hardly call this a chapter. It would work more than well as a scene in the previous chapter or the next one; in fact, it would work better that way, in my opinion, because a sex scene taking up entire one chapter simply stops being as effective as the same scene being, well, a scene in a series of events covered by one chapter. While on that, though, I would suggest not adding it to the first chapter, but rather the second, otherwise it would most likely seem rushed to the reader and as if you were just trying to put a random short intro before so you could jump at what you wanted to write.
Let's move on.
You use her name a lot in this paragraph. Seeing as there's only two people, and their genders are different, you can use "she" more often. Especially since her name is so long, this repetition of it makes it really break as much flow as there is in this paragraph.
Furthermore,
Seeing as those are two parts of the body quite distanced from each other, this doesn't make all that much sense. Unless if the "warm sensation" was the bed behind her, to which they obviously got somehow since she pinned him down on it a moment later, that is.
While on that..
There are ways to say this in other ways as well, if you feel the need to mention it twice in those two lines
Oh, a nitpick by the way, "unbuttons" should be "unbuttoned", seeing as everything else is in past tense.
I somehow doubt any reader expected them to be anything but masculine. If he had feminine chest, or something about his chest was really interesting or unlike other men' chests are, that would be worth mentioning. Saying a man has masculine chest, however, is kind of not exactly necessary xP
I'm not going to quote anymore, but here's a bit of statistic instead.. you have seven or eight only slightly different variations of "moaned softly in pleasure". That's a huge number of repetitive phrase for a chapter (or rather, scene) of this length.
Now, before I finish up with this review, a few more pretty important things.
I'm not sure who your targeted audience here is, but if it's anyone who wants more out of a novel than smut, I think you should give a lot more thoughts to this chapter. You might wish to be daring, or show things as they are, or add some spice to show that Alexandria's side... or something alike. Whichever reason you had, a sex scene can be shown in many different ways, and this usually isn't the best way to do it.
Generally, people who like these kinds of literature tend to also like to imagine some things on their own. In this case, the good old "less is more" can really apply; there is a line between an erotic scene and pornography, and while the former can we written in various degrees of tastefulness, the latter is what can more often than not be found in those cheap so-called love novels one can buy with equally cheap newspaper, and it looks quite amateur and makes the reader smirk and go through it just to make sure there isn't an important detail which they shouldn't miss accidentally dropped somewhere in there.
Let some things fade to black or be told in a metaphor or some sort. Let the characters' thoughts mix with the action, let the readers' imagination fill out some blanks. We all know what's happening in this scene, it's clear from the very beginning, and describing every step just makes it seem more and more like you're just trying to prove that you're able to write through a scene of two people having sex.
I believe I'm done now. I do hope I helped a bit, and I assure you my intention was to advise, not insult or anything alike. From what I saw in the first chapter, this novel of yours does have potential for being interesting and holding the reader hooked, so don't spoil that by putting more emphasis on roughly described sex scenes than the whole atmosphere of mystery and suspense you started building in your Chapter One.
Do let me know if you have any questions or comments
See you around,
Aria~