Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.
The sound of gunshots was heard in a dark alley of Sacramento, California. Police surrounded a lifeless body a few minutes later after the shots were fired. There, lied a man on his back in a puddle of blood. People of the public and the people of the press surrounded the body, gasping and murmuring to each other. A woman came out from the crowd, sobbing against the hard concrete, having the upper half of her body on top of the deceased.
Alexandria was standing next to the local bar, Laredo's Bar Joint, smoking a cigarette in one hand while waving at passing cars with the other. She was wearing a tube top that was only covering half of her breasts and a pair of ripped-up shorts, walking in high heels. A black Cadillac pulled up to the curb where Alexandria was, rolling down the window on the passenger seat side of the vehicle. Alexandria walked up to the window of the car, smirking seductively at the handsome driver. "Hey there, handsome.. Need some company?"
The man smirked as he stared at Alexandria's flawless body. "Mmmm yes, my dear. Please, join me. We will go somewhere and… talk." Alexandria smiled more at the man, staring into his dark blue eyes and his luscious brown hair. His body seemed oh so perfect to her; It was more masculine than any of her other clients. The man also was in formal attire, a black suit as of matter of fact.
Alexandria opened the car door, sitting on the passenger seat as she smiled at the man. As soon as Alexandria closed the passenger door, the man started to drive up the street. "So how long have you been doing services like this?" The man kept driving down the road as he spoke softly to Alexandria, smiling to himself.
"I've been doing this for a year now. For… personal reasons." Alexandria looked down, feeling depressed and lonesome. The man took her hand gently and smirked at her lovingly. "Don’t worry, dear. I'll take really good care of you."
End of chapter
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137,620 Literary Works • 672,052 Reviews
Hi darling hi
Let's begin with the beginning, shall we? I feel like you went through it really fast. The murder scene, the death, the woman crying. It went by so fast; I feel like you rushed through it. Slowl down! Don't be afraid of a lengthy chapter; that's good. Your chapter was way too short.
I felt detached from the first scene. This murder, it's obviously a crucial part of Alexandria's past, right? Otherwise, why would you introduce it to us? I couldn't even tell it was from her point of view until you introduced Alexandria. I suggest you expand the beginning, give it some more emotion and context. Describe the scene more; give us more to read and to envision.
Actually, you should use more description everywhere. You're good with describing her appearance and her customer's appearance, but what about the scene? It is cold, hot, chilly, windy? Do goosebumps appear on her skin? What about how she feels? Is she upset that she has to do this, or is she okay with selling her body? Or is she even selling her body? Is she just having sex for fun?
But despite that, I like what you're doing here. I encourage you not to shy away from the details; if you're gonna write about sex, write it. Don't summarize it. Flesh the deatils out and bring the scene to life! Just rate it appropriately so the reader knows what they're getting into.
I'll review chapter two in a bit, after class. Cheers!
Welcome to YWS! Lucrezia here to review.
This is really, really good. The mysteriousness you left hanging, the descriptions, were all spot-on, and also I spotted few flaws. But I'll point out the ones I did notice:
I would leave out the first handsome since it sounds a bit repetitive, and there should be either a period after "hey there, handsome," or three dots instead of two.
Wow! That's a lot of Alexandrias!
There should be a paragraph break after Alexandria's dialogue and before the driver's.
Anyway, besides for those, this was a great piece. Nice work!
Hey! Welcome to YWS. I'm here to review you today. First I'd like to say, I love the opening scene. It really opens up the story nicely. My other comment would be, I did not expect prostitution. I figured the main character would start in the mob, guess I was wrong. You used perfect detail in describing Alexandria. That is exactly what I would expect to see a person like that wearing. Alright now it's time I jump into the nitpicks I have.
"Police surrounded a lifeless body a few minutes later after the shots were fired." Alright, by putting "after the shots were fired" at the end of this sentence it doesn't sound right. It sounds incomplete. You could change this in a handful of ways.
"A few minutes later the Police had arrived and were surrounding a lifeless body."
or
"After the shots were fired, Police could be seen surrounding a lifeless body."
I personally like the first one. It flows nicely.
"There, lied a man on his" Wrong lied. Unless if she was telling the body something that wasn't the truth. I think you were trying to go for the word laid. This is a common mistake, and I find people doing it all the time.
"She was wearing a tube top that was only covering half of her breasts and a pair of ripped-up shorts, walking in high heels." Great sentence! However the last part about high heels seems like it was just thrown in there. I would have done it like this, "Walking in high heels, she was wearing a tube top that was only covering half of her breast and a pair of ripped-up shorts."
This are all little nitpicks, other than those you did a really good job. It was a rather short chapter, more of a prologue really, but I can't wait to see more. When you post again send me PM and I'll drop everything to come and review it. If you have any questions feel free to PM. Until next time happy writing.
Cheers,
Deadman XD