Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Silenced Prologue
The snow fell upon the tips of my fingers, melting and become water while I stared up at the full moon. Alone.
The words that I have spoken in the castle could not compare to the actions that I have carried onto the person that I cared for most. I couldn’t help but feel anger in my heart; in my soul. The cold-heartedness that took place in my emotions burst onto the woman that I used to call friend. My ally. The only person I could count on.
She had to. She had to tell the Royals about my secret. She thought she was helping me, helping my problem, possibly helping herself.
The snow that fell upon me cleaned most of this red-like substance off my fingers, off my face. My breath got heavy, my body froze. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I then stared down at the white ground, seeing my friend, covered in blood, her blood slowly soaking in into the pure white substance.
“…” I tried to speak but my voice wouldn’t let out. Tears flowed down upon on my cheeks, my throat tightening as my body fell next to the corpse.
“…” I tried to speak once again, but no words. What was wrong with me? I didn’t know something like this would ever happen to me. To my life.
“Wen…” I finally spoke, but I could only say her name. The name of the victim that I tragically murdered. I thought I could control my urges, but I couldn’t. I knew that I was ill, but sometimes, I couldn’t control it, but I never allowed myself to resort to violence.
My friendship with her for almost five years has been broken. Betrayed. Stained in cold blood.
I couldn’t hold back my tears. I started to bawl, letting out all the sad and frightening emotions inside of me.
I wish I could change for what I’ve done. I wish I was the one who is dead, and not Wen. I deserve to worst punish there was by the Royals, for the head of the Royals, was the father of my beloved friend. I would hang my head for such a tragic event.
My illness. He would never believe my illness was the cause of this act. I kept it hidden from others for many years. Only Wen knew. Now, she took the secret to her grave. I wanted to be close to her. To be best friends with her for all eternity. Then I thought, she would betray me. Take advantage of me. That’s what I saw, when she talks to the Royals, but I was afraid. To lose her. To lose my trust to her.
When she told my secret to the Royals, I completely lost it.
Her last words kept ringing in my head. It wouldn’t go away. Her last words were going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
You were my one true friend I ever had… I am sorry… for trying to help you… Kantea…
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there!
I really enjoyed the prologue, and I will definitely be reading the rest of the story. I didn't notice many problems, but there was one part that bothered me a little.
"her blood slowly soaking in into the pure white substance."
I would take out the in, so that it would read, "her blood slowly soaking into the pure white substance." I think that this would flow better.
You really had me hooked with this prologue. I felt that it gave a good background of the characters, and it made me want to continue reading the rest of the story. I think that there will be a few twists in the future chapters that I won't be expecting, and I look forward to reading them. Overall, keep up the good work, and I'll definitely be reading your other works!
Hi Kanome. I'm going to review this and get it out of the Green Room.
I can't find any errors, so I'll just say what I thought.
I found this prologue very moving. The tragedy was well done; it didn't feel overdone or distasteful. I loved the last line because it seemed to sum up perfectly the tragic nature of Wen's death.
You combined that with a bit of mystery, like Kantea's secret (I'm presuming it's her illness) and the thought of what she's going to do now. It makes this intriguing, which means I'll be reading on to answer my questions.
Will she run away, or go back to the Royals and act innocent? She seems to show remorse, so the latter seems unlikely.
I don't know exactly what the situation is. Kantea might decide to get help in light of Wen's death, but I can't see her getting treated well whether they know of her guilt or not.
Okay, I'll move on to Chapter One now. You've set up the story nicely.
Sorry this has been kind of short.
Hello there!
I'm just here to give you a review, so I'm sorry if I'm too bitchy or something. Hope it helps, though
Okay, let's start!
"The snow fell upon the tips of my fingers, melting and become water while I stared up at the full moon."
The first thing here is that your chapter starts in the past, that's why you use the past tense "fell". Now, I belive it's incorrect to use the present tense "become" (I'd use becAme) since it's still the past. Also melting seems a bit wrong in its tense to me. Maybe you should do something like: "The snow fell upon the tips of my fingers, slowly melting and eventually becoming water while I stared up at the full moon." In this case, I believe you could say becoming.
"The words that I have spoken in the castle could not compare to the actions that I have carried onto the person that I cared for most."
I found this a very difficult sentence to read because of the many "that". You want to say so much in so little space and it just gets complicated. I'd keep it a bit simpler over here.
"The cold-heartedness that took place in my emotions burst onto the woman that I used to call friend."
I think this is just me being bitchy, but I think it would be better to say: "the woman I used to call a friend." But this is a detail, sorry about that... Also, the "that" in this sentence is again a repetition, that's why I previously suggested to change the other phrase.
"My breath got heavy, my body froze."
I think you should say "breathing" instead of breath. "My body froze" reminds me of someone actually freezing, as in "not being able to move anymore because of the cold". Maybe you coudl say somthing like: "...while my body was slowly freezing."
"soaking in into the pure white substance."
Correction, THIS is me being bitchy. And maybe I'm wrong about this, this is my own opinion, but snow reminds me of something light and delicate, white and frail. This may sound coocoo-crazy, but I think "substance" is a too heavy word for snow. I'd look for another synonym.
"Tears flowed down upon on my cheeks"
I think you could just say: "Tears flowed down my cheeks."
"The name of the victim that I tragically murdered. I thought I could control my urges, but I couldn’t. I knew that I was ill, but sometimes, I couldn’t control it, but I never allowed myself to resort to violence."
Since you're writing in the past, I believe you should say: "had tragically murdered." Buut now I'm not sure anymore you're writing in the past, because after this piece, some of your tenses flip into the present. And then back into the past again. Maybe check this?
"I deserve to worst punish there was by the Royals, for the head of the Royals, was the father of my beloved friend."
I think you meant "I deserve (d?) the worst punishment." I also believe that comma after "the Royals" isn't really necessary because the phrase just flows over it, if you get what I'm saying.
"Her last words kept ringing in my head. It wouldn’t go away."
And lastly, since your subject in the fist sentence is "words" and they still are the subject in the second, I think you should say: "They wouldn't go away." Or leave my head or something like that.
So, I'm so sorry if I was bitchy, but I'm just trying to help. Just keep writing, because I'm kind of intrigued about what will happen next. Good luck!
-JustMeValery