Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Chapter One: Kantea
The birds chirped, the wind blew, and the grass flowed against my skin as I napped, letting the sun tan my body, letting it darken each minute. I liked lying on the soft grass every day, enjoying the peace and silence. I didn’t trust other people around me. Never cared much for friends or even personal relationships. I didn’t even trust my own family.
I opened one of my eyes, staring up at the bright, clear sky. The sun hit my vision, causing me to flinch.
“…”
I sat up slowly, noticing couples walking their dogs, or children playing tag around the grassy area.
“Stupidity…” That’s what I thought about all humans.
They were always doing stupid things, always having stupid thoughts. Most importantly, stupid actions.
I stood up from the soft grass, thinking what it’s like to have someone by my side. At the same time, I don’t want that. Sometimes, I don’t even know what I want. Sometimes, I want to disappear, but at the same time, I want to just exist in this sorry world that I have to call ‘home’. I opened up my satchel that I carried with me to this… park as I pulled out my small, leathered journal that was locked by a buckle. I loosened the buckle, opening my journal to a fresh, new page. I quickly took out my magenta fountain pen. Ah, how I love this color. I pressed the tip of the pen gently on the paper, beginning to write my thoughts of the world, of the society. Of me.
'I began my explorations of the human nature again. Quite fascinating, yet, quite dull. I began to wonder of what was the purpose of having close relationships, but so far, no luck. My mind is becoming colder by each minute, each second. I don’t know what to do, or how to feel about this thought. All I know is that the human race is blasphemy. I can never trust these people, not with my life. Not after what had happened in my past. I can see it. The evils inside each human being. They want to hurt me, consume me, rid of me of this existence.
Oh my. I spoke out of turn once again. Oh, how I say such nasty things about this society. Yet, I don’t feel bad at all.
I don’t know what I must do. There are many things I want, at the same time, I don’t want them. Strange, isn’t it? The past has consumed my heart, letting me become a hermit of the world. I guess I shall continue writing my discoveries at home. Eh?'
I slowly closed my journal, putting the journal and the fountain pen back in my satchel. “…” I stood silent once again, glaring at the children that were still playing. Is that kind of childhood fun, I wonder? I started to walk home, the sky started to become dark. The wind became colder as the sun went down second by second. I didn’t realize how long I stayed outside. “Ah…” I realized that he is going to be furious with me. I didn’t want to go back home, but at the same time, I don’t want him to hunt me down, and be more furious with me.
As I made it to the front door of my small home, that was surrounded by other small homes, I put my left hand on the door knob, slowly turning it. I opened the door slowly, and I noticed something sitting on the floor, surrounded my empty beer bottles and cigarette buds. I knew what this was. It almost happens every night. Endless torture was about to begin. How much more suffering am I able to take?
What is my purpose in this world?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oh. New author I see. It's okay, I was new to writing once too, but I started off on fanfaction and that's where I mastered the skills. I'm going to be frank, your writing skills need work, but you're in the right place to get help. I'll try not to sound too mean.
1)"The sun hit my vision, causing me to flinch."
There's a lot wrong with this sentence, it's the same problem with many of your sentences. It's passive. You should never say "Something caused me to flinch." You should always say "I flinched away from the sunlight which burned my eyes(And now for a colorful analogy.) as painfully as lemon juice."
The character does something, the character is the actor. Also, the sun cannot hit your vision, the sunlight can however hit your eye. Your vision is not a physical thing, it cannot be touched.
2) "I sat up slowly, noticing couples walking their dogs, or children playing tag around the grassy area."
Which is it? Did she notice couples walking their dogs OR children playing tag around the grassy area?
Rewrite this sentence and others like it "I saw up and saw couples walking their dogs and children playing tag around the grassy areas of the...(State the location, define the setting).
“Stupidity…” That’s what I thought about all humans"
How about "Idiots" or "Such stupid creatures."
"I stood up from the soft grass, thinking what it’s like to have someone by my side. At the same time, I don’t want that."
Punctuation is a skill few master and which even I get wrong;<(Here) at the same time, these sentences are related and should be connected by a semi-colon, the mark I just used to separate these two sentence, or use a comma and the word 'But'.
"I stood up from the soft grass, thinking 'about' what it 'would be' like to have some'body' by my side, but at the same time I don’t want that."
"I opened up my satchel that I carried with me to this… park as I pulled out my small, leathered journal that was locked by a buckle. I loosened the buckle, opening my journal to a fresh, new page. I quickly took out my magenta fountain pen. Ah, how I love this color. I pressed the tip of the pen gently on the paper, beginning to write my thoughts of the world, of the society. Of me."
This should be it's own paragraph, the subject changed from the protagonists inner turmoil, to her physical actions. Try to organize paragraphs so that each one only talks about ONE subject, you can break this rule if two subjects are related, but a satchel has nothing to do with nihilistic(Google it) thoughts.
"I began my explorations of the human nature again."
I would be tempted to say remove the "The" before human nature, but this is a journal and when a character writes something spelling and grammar mistakes in thier writings can be quirky and fun, so leave it.
"I slowly closed my journal, putting the journal"
Repetition is a big problem for all authors. The english language is rife with words that mean the same thing as other words, you can find them in a thesaurus(Buy one). Instead of saying journal again why not say "Putting the leather bound pages/book" and so on?
"I started to walk home, the sky started to become dark."
Try rewriting this sentence with what I've taught you about passive language.
But aside from your as of yet undeveloped skills as a writer my biggest problem in this story is that you never tell us what the subject is. Where is this taking place, what's the name of the character? What's the characters gender? What does the character look like? WHat does the street and house look like? Why doesn't she want to go to the house? Is it dirty, or just plain and unexciting?
Your writing is entirely metaphysical, you only described what the character was feeling, and I gotta tell ya, feelings don't matter in and of themselves. Feelings always revolve around reality, and you never define the reality other than the fact that there was a street and a house and some grass and some kids playing tag. Define what the character is feeling by his or her actions and the actions of others.
Thanks.. I am not new here though. Just been a while since I wrote something. And all the questions you are asking will be explain later in the story. The whole chapter was only about Kantea's feelings. I meant it that way. Thank you though.
I have the same mind set as this character, society is overrated.
But onto your short work, it was good. I feel that there could be more done and there could be a lot of potential on this. I just happen to like this characters personality.
However, one thing I find troublesome is that I can't grasp what exactly this story is. Who is "he"? What was the thing on the floor surrounded by beer bottles and cigarette buds? And, now my mind runs rampant about the character narrating because we don't have a description of the character. Or for a fact what the character is.
Don't worry, still like it. Just, confusing a little. Although, you can work on it and improve and whatnot, it's what makes you an author. A good author.