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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Hey Kaitlin. I told you I would get around to this someday
I rarely venture out of the poetry forums, so forgive me if this review isn't quite up to par.
Right now this piece seems to be much more potential than realization. You're one of the most original and intriguing writers I've encountered on YWS, but that potential can sometimes get buried under flaws in delivery.
Persy already hit on this, but there are points where details seem forced into the piece rather than integrated into the story. This happens quite a few times, so I'll just give a couple examples.
The amount of information you try to cram in these sentences gives them a very awkward feel. I like the ideas you're going for, but the wordy delivery dulls the brightness of those ideas. Don't be afraid to break things up so you can work them in more smoothly.
I suggest taking out the "Statistic number x" before each statistic. It's a small change, but I think it really helps integrate them into the piece.
I'm not a fan of the bit about Death taking the dress from the shop. The humanization of the Life and Death is great, as is the idea of them walking among us, but Death getting her clothes from human stores was too much for me. They can have human aspects, but they are still something very very different, so I'd like the piece better if the line between them and humans was a little thicker.
Looking this over, I think you should consider having it from a third-person viewpoint. Changing that would help it feel more like a story and less like outright statements.
The story would make more sense to me if Life and Death met much more frequently than once every ten years. No reason is given for the ten years between meetings, and I can't think of any reason they would do that. It seems as if they'd be meeting often, which makes sense with how well they know each other in the story.
I like Persy's ideas about using dates to make the 9/11 connection more clear.
Like Snoink, I wasn't sure how exactly Sophie and 9/11 related. Was it some form of the universe balancing things out for Death pushing her back to life? Was it a Butterfly Effect or something similar? Given the importance of that connection to the meaning of your story, making it clear should be a high priority.
Overall, I liked this quite a bit. Just work on integrating detail more smoothly and making the plot clearer and more continuous. Really nice work
Excellent! Okay, I'm going to give kind of a short review, as I don't have a ton of points to make.
First of all, I loved the story. Really original, well told, and it was emotional without being draining or anything; excellent piece. I do have couple of thoughts on how to improve it though:
1) Taking Out the Extras:
So, you have little pieces of description that always feel kind of awkward to me in short stories. You restate some things that have already been made obvious to us, such as in here:
Now, we've already go the personalities you describe, and the blondness doesn't really add a lot. The last bit about making her questioning also becomes apparent. You've taken several elements of the story that are slipped in nice and gradually, and stated them all in a paragraph. I would take this out.
2) The 9/11 thing:
I didn't realize this until I read your author's note thingymabob. I would definitely clarify on this. Maybe talk about a crash and broken twins or something, or if you don't feel like incorporating anything else, maybe put the dates in between the parts were the story separates a little bit. Make it over three days, and then instead of saying three days later, just have 9/11. Pretty simple idea, but it might help. Also, I think that you could really add to that scene by not making Death so impartial. Have her expose a little guilt, by sighing or something. Maybe a tear. I really felt like that scene, but feel like it could have been emotionally stronger.
3) This isn't really critique.
I know you said that you thought their dialog needs work, but I entirely disagree. The characters were excellent and you developed them wonderfully throughout their discussions. Excellent job.
Overall:
You are an incredible write. I'm jealous, and am just going to leave it at that. Wonderful piece.
-Coral-
YAY! This is original and new and innovative and I kind of adore it.
Just a couple of thoughts or first impressions...
1. I don't like the title. It's very blah and once you read the story, it kind of gives it away. So I would change it.
2. The relationship between Life and Death is a bit confused. I mean, the dialogue is also pretty confused, but the whole relationship and how they get along together and why they're together in the first place is confusing. I would probably straighten that out and then I am pretty sure the dialogue will fit together a lot easier.
3. Sometimes, the quotes break up the story a bit too much, especially if the quotes only break up a small section. It reads oddly.
4. The connection between Sophie and 9/11 was unclear. I'm not sure what you were trying to get at.
5. The details of 9/11 seemed a bit off from what was actually going on at the time (for one, the sky was a choked gray-orange) so you might want to deal with that. Also, if Life and Death only met every once in a while, why then?
So yeah! Biggest confusion is the relationship. Second biggest confusion is Sophie's role in 9/11. Still, a very lovely idea.