The first day of high school was always portrayed as a huge moment to Kylie Adams, but to her, there was no emotion while walking though the crystal clear, newly-polished doorway. She was damaged; misunderstood. And here, she was hoping, was a chance to break free.
Her middle school years had been disastrous. She failed most of her classes, made friends with some real idiots, and gave herself away at a young age. She had tried almost every drug in the book. You name it, Kylie has tried it. When she felt as if the weight of the world was resting on her shoulders, there was one thing that kept her the least bit sane.. Singing.
Kylie was definitely not a triple platinum pop-star, but when she sang from her heart, it put herself and others at peace. Music calmed Kylie at her most anxious moments - when being pressured into trying drugs for the first time... When she was abused by her father... And when she just needed to be left alone. She had many boys "after her," but they all seemed to just be in it for the fun, not for a serious relationship.
Starting 9th grade at Rachael Mosley High School was a wake-up call for her. The teachers gave her worried looks due to her daily doodles of grotesque book characters, her peers liked her (for the most part), but never tried to get to know her, and her family was under going many changes in their lives.
Kylie's older sister, Margot, is expecting a baby boy with her newly-wed husband, Travis. Her mother and father are in the middle of a divorce, and they are also enrolling Kylie for therapy over the school year because of the school counselor's concern of her behavior.
Starting the school year was awkward, but soon enough she was invited to a beginning the year party hosted by her old 4th grade friend, Charlotte Biggs. Kylie was praying this could be a way to prove herself to her classmates. She heard from an annoying, loudmouthed sophomore in the hallway that there was going to be a karaoke contest.
At this, a wave of relief settled upon Kylie. She had been able to sing long before she could talk.
November 11, the night of the party... Walking into the 4 bedroom house, she could only guess how many pairs of eyes were on her. 15? 16? No, way more than that. With her hair straightened and her in a pearly blue dress that fit her curves perfectly, she felt for the first time in all her 15 years on Earth that she actually belonged.
As the party started to pick up the pace, many girls dressed in what seemed like nothing and began to dance. A group of boys attempted to approach them, but the girls merely laughed and kept on with their business. After a couple if hours, the hard-wood living room seemed almost vacant.
A girl Kylie had seem around in the hallways at school before popped in a disc into the CD player and changed the channel on the television. When she announced that it was karaoke time, the visitors piled into the room for one last time.
Without any shadow of a doubt, Kylie reached for the microphone rested on the table near the 48 inch plasma flat-screen. She felt confident with this in her palm. She felt as though she had complete control of herself, but also vulnerable to let herself go at any moment.
When standing in front of the fireplace, a rush of adrenaline hit Kylie like someone had sat down on her chest. She could hear every beat her heart was making. The thing was, she didn't hate it. Honestly, she loved it. The thrill of eyes double-thinking her over changed her outlook on the guests completely. When starting her school, she thought of them as if they were out to get her.. Just a group of stereotypes that judged her. Now, looking out into the crowd, she understood what they were about. They wanted to hear her sing. They wanted to change their outlook on her completely.
Being as safe as possible, she chose a song she knew she wouldn't mess up on; Independence Day by Miranda McBride. It was the perfect song to break herself from the shell she had be stuck in during the past 3 years.
When finishing the 3 minute, 30 second song, she raised her face to the standing teenagers. Their eyes showed understanding and relief. No longer did they see a lost soul trying to find herself, but a gifted girl, praying for a way to get out of a boundary keeping her from the rest of society.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi! Miss Summer Night at your service!
First of all I'd like to say that this was a very good read. I feel that if this was a novel it would get many reads, I know I would read it.
There is just one part a have a problem with.
~As the party started to pick up the pace, many girls dressed in what seemed like nothing and began to dance.~
Maybe you should re-word this line. Remove the 'and' and then insert a comma between 'nothing' and 'began' so it looks like this.
~As the party started to pick up the pace, many girls dressed in what seemed like nothing and began to dance.~
~As the party started to pick up the pace, many girls dressed in what seemed like nothing, began to dance.~
Well, that's all! Bye!! ^^
Hiya! Welcome, welcome!
Forgive me if this gets a little nutty. It's late and I'm really high on adrenaline right now
I like this opening line. It doesn't scream 'OMG EPIC LINE, I need to read on RIGHT NOW!' But it I like the way it's worded
I really hope this doesn't become cliche.
If she finds Mr. Hot Boy that 'fixes' her, I might cry.
I could see two things here.
1. '...least bit sane. And that thing was singing.'
2. '...least bit sane. Singing.'
I don't like the use of ellipses here. It's not really what there for, I don't think. Try just separating the different ideas with comas or semi-colons.
This is telling, not showing.
Instead of telling what is happening, explain what is going on as it is happening. Like, have Kylie have conversations with these people to figure this stuff out.
Again, this moves too fast, mostly because of the telling instead of showing.
More description, more thoughts, more, actions.
This kind of description annoys me. I don't know why, it just bothers me.
Characters:
I don't feel connected to the characters at all. I feel nothing for Kylie. I don't feel sad that she's had a a bad life, I don't feel happy with her when she has triumphs. I think an easy way to improve on this would just be to expand more. More description about her, her past, her feelings, her thoughts, her actions, everything. Really dig deep and get to know this character. This has the potential of being a really moving piece if we can feel for Kylie a lot more.
Overall:
Overall, it's a good concept. It's not super cliche, (from what I feel is cliche). The only big this is that you do a lot of telling and not a lot of showing. Again, just expand this. More description and more action I think will really help this along.
I hope you have a great time here at YWS!
If you need anything or have any questions feel free to PM me!
-Carly
I think this is my 100th review. I'm not sure. But, if it is, consider yourself special!
I'm a little confused with this sentence. At first, you said that it was portrayed as a huge moment to her, then you made it seem like she didn't care. Maybe I'm just being stupid, but it doesn't really make sense to me.
I think this would look better like this: Music calmed Kylie at her most anxious moments. When she was pressured into trying drugs for the first time, when she was abused by her father, and when she just needed to be left alone. I don't think the ellipses are really necessary.
You should spell out 9th. So it should be ninth.
I suggest re-wording this. It sounds a little awkward. and they were also enrolling Kylie in therapy over the school year, due to the school counselor's concern for her behavior. Just a suggestion, you don't have to use it.
You need to spell out the numbers.