His hair was wild, just like when he first came to me. I knew he had gone threw a lot more than I could understand. And he was asking me to join him. To go back with him.
What could I say? No? But he said he needed me. I eyed his scar again. It ran from his right ear lobe to his chin. I might not have even noticed it, if I hadn't known it was there. If I hadn't been the one to heal it.
His black eyes bore into mine. He was so barbaric. I looked down to hide from those eyes. They were so real and honest. Nothing like the "civilized" people nowadays. They were the eyes I fell in love with.
"Please?" he whispered. "Please?"
I had to answer him. Even if I did this, time would still exist. Wouldn't it? I thought.
"I need to know one thing first," I reached to him, and put my hand on his cheek, he looked down.
"Yes?" I was going to ask him the one thing he had ordered me to never ask. That had been the agreement. I would heal him, and never tell. I would ask no questions. He was simply going to use me. But now, he asked for something more. So I did, as well.
"I need to know where and when you came from."
His dark eyes seemed to glaze over, and his jaw tightened. I pulled my hand away sharply. He looked like he was going to bit me. It felt like forever, wondering if he'd answer. Wondering if maybe he changed his mind, that I was actually just like all the others of this time: empty and cold. Maybe he decided I didn't matter to him anymore.
But then he sighed, and answered, "I'm from the 22nd Century. I was a scientist, and we had just created a machine that we thought might be able to bring us to the future," he swallowed. "There were people who didn't believe us; people who didn't want it to be true. Someone attacked our lab, and was just about to kill me, when I activated this," he held up a large handheld remote. It looked so pathetic and boxy. "And landed here. You saved me."
I nodded. I knew it was something along those lines. That made me have one more question, though. "Why do you need me to come with you? I don't see what I could do for your time."
He smiled roughly. His teeth weren't whitened or even straight. It took me a while to adjust my eyes to bring myself to look at them when he first found me, but now I don't know if I could live without them.
"It's not that my time needs you. It's that I need you. You see, I know you will come back with me. It's fate."
I smiled ruefully. Fate. What a silly thing. It's almost as if saying that the Boogeyman exists and lives under your bed. But of course he believes in that. They were so supersticious back then.
"What makes you think that's not true?" he asked with a frown.
"I just know it's not," I answered simply. Those were times when parents let their children believe in old men in big red suits who snuck into your house at night and beat you if you were bad. What kind of society would that be?
"No you don't. How is that any less real than love? You do love me. So what's the difference?" his voice began to rise with passion. I shrunk away. I don't think I'd ever seen someone get as frantic about a side of an argument as he did. "Fate exists just as much as I do!" He exclaimed, coming up to me and holding me by the arms. My eyes widened as I stared back up at him.
"I love you so much that I know for a fact you'll come back with me!" He shouted. I laughed and shushed him. He laughed too.
He grinned at me, and kissed me on the forehead harshly. I still had to get used to how rough he was, I guess. He let go of me, and paced the perimeter of the room, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
"I want you to come with me," he murmured. "But I don't know how to convince you."
He smiled, this time sweetly, understandingly. He approched me, tentatively. I looked up into his eyes, and he leaned down to kiss me.
"We fell in love. You know that for sure?" he asked me.
"Yes," I answered.
He laughed at me. "Well isn't that close enough to fate?" he grinned.
"If you want it to be," I whispered, then slipped my arms around his chest, clasping them behind his back. I looked down, trying to not show how frightened I was.
"You're shaking," he breathed in my hair.
"I'm scared." So much for hiding it, I thought.
"Don't worry. I'll be with you."
Suddenly, I felt like I was spinning in circles, dancing almost. I clung to him tighter. I didn't feel the ground under my feet anymore. I closed my eyes as tight as possible.
As long as I'm with him, I thought, Time will still exist. It has to. We're in love.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi, you asked for a review and here it is! (sorry if its harsh)
Threw is spelt like through. comma after understand. no capital for and. semicolon after him. no capital for to.
No comma after the first it. semicolon after there.
not sure, but i think you have a new line for thoughts.
is should be reached out to him, how you have it now is just weird.
the phrasing of this sounds a bit off, try to re-work it.
bit is spelt like Bite.
how about...
It felt like forever as i wondered if he'd answer me.
you don't need to put wondering here. you already have it in the previous sentence and it's not a very poetic-device if you only repeat it 2 times.
tell us more about this time... we know nothing yet!
smack in the face there, might want to be a bit more subtle about that.
again, this sound a little odd to me. maybe you could instead phrase it like...
''It was inevitable that someone would attack the lab. I was the only one there at the time and "his voice aracked a little "well, I'd be dead if the machine was slower to start, or it i hadn't found you."
Oh, and sorry about the time comment earlier, I was reviewing while reading.
whyu is it boxy? isn't he supposed to be from the future? work in how she felt by seeing this... puzzled, confused?
how about... I had alrealy been through that fantasy, and it seemed the most likely. all of these answers were seed to one more question.
What you have put sound, again, odd. just take a couple of minutes to read over your work sentence by sentence, It really helps me.
try abbreviations, they're what you have used in the reat of the story.
Wait... I don't get it! what year is she from? if he's from the 22nd centure, a hundred years form now, then why arent there and tales about this! how is a man disappearing from the past 9to go into the future no less) and returning with someone who seems out of this time not going to be front page news. wont there be heaps of folklore about the "chosen one" we need more information. I think that you should expand on this some more. It would make an excelent story if you just clarified it up a bit! Good luck.
Well, for starters, I think this is an amazing short story. To pack so much detail into one very short composition takes talent. So, good job there!
I'm going to nitpick a little bit now. ^^
I think this punctuation is used incorrectly. Maybe rewrite it like: "'I need to know one thing first.' I reached to him, and put my hand on his cheek; he looked down." Or maybe leave out the comma between "him" and "and." I don't know.
That should be superstitious.
That should be approached.
And how does that make her feel? I'm agreeing with the last review (from Nutty) here - she doesn't seem to have emotions at some parts. Maybe you could fill in the blanks and tell us how she reacts to this assumption.
Other than those, I think you've got a wonderful piece here! I really liked reading it; the first line just hooked me right in. Good job!
Through.
And how did his stare make her feel? Exposed? Happy? Frightened? Intimidated? Work some emotion in here.
'I thought' is redundant, it's obvious it's a thought due to the italics.
bite
Was she intimidated here? Frightened? Shocked? At the moment she seems to have no real emotional reactions.
What was so funny? Explain.
What has love and time travel got to do with time existing? Love cannot stop time, as much as many people would want it to, to go back to a lost lover. So your reasoning here is rather flawed. Explain.
Overall, you have an alright piece here. The concept is rather good, but as of yet, your characters aren't very deep. What are her motives? Let us see who she is. Add some emotion to her character, she seems rather stiff and unfeeling at the moment. Rather telling us of their love, show us. How does it feel to be in his arms? How does his gaze effect her?
She goes from unreceptive to willing. Deepen that change, explain her reasons further. Once your characters have more depth, I believe this story could really go places. There isn't enough for me to really understand the plot, but it has a lot of potential.
Have you considered the consequences on her time if she goes make? The whole 'step on an ant and change history' kind of thing.
Anyway, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me. I'll be glad to help.
I so did an indept review on the story, the computer ran too low on the battery and shut off. *screams* The bad thing is that this happens often.
So I'll do another one, it will be more general though.
Okay, to start off, the story line is good. Time travel storied isn't something I see much around here. I saw that you had a few spelling mistakes. Such as its through not threw. And it is bite not bit. You punctuation was rather good. I didn't see any major mistakes there. Its an interesting way to start a story...or to end one.
I find that there was a few lines in the story that were confusing to me.
Were, *sees that you have edited it) You fixed it, it looks great. Thats cleared up for me know.
I think that you could extend this story. Tell the history of the couple if you choosed. However, it looks fine standing alone like this. I think that you still need to add some more, well, character to your charcters. Humanize them.
Other than this, it has potential. After it gets good and cleaned up that is. Good job, keep writing.
I so did an indept review on the story, the computer ran too low on the battery and shut off. *screams* The bad thing is that this happens often.
So I'll do another one, it will be more general though.
Okay, to start off, the story line is good. Time travel storied isn't something I see much around here. I saw that you had a few spelling mistakes. Such as its through not threw. And it is bite not bit. You punctuation was rather good. I didn't see any major mistakes there. Its an interesting way to start a story...or to end one.
I find that there was a few lines in the story that were confusing to me.
Were, *sees that you have edited it) You fixed it, it looks great. Thats cleared up for me know.
I think that you could extend this story. Tell the history of the couple if you choosed. However, it looks fine standing alone like this. I think that you still need to add some more, well, character to your charcters. Humanize them.
Other than this, it has potential. After it gets good and cleaned up that is. Good job, keep writing.
how do you do that?
i know im supposed to edit your stuff kaila... but its really hard.
how to you come up with this?
what goes on inyour mind that you can come up with something so brilliant in such a short lil time?
amazing.
sorry im not more help.
the way you write affects me. you write exactly what i like to read. whether you grammar is write, or you puncuation is.
i dont notice. something about it... i can feel it. in me. it stirs emotion in me that most books cant do.
and this story is barely a page long. and you still did that.
brilliant.
seriously.
im rly sry im no help.
Hmm. I don't really have anything to edit content wise. It's obviously just a little snap shot. I don't wanna spoil it and cover it with red ink, do i? Well, I liked it. If you wanna leave it as a super-short short story, you can. The conflict is resolved, there's a climax......you've basically got all the characteristics of a story if you wanna leave it at that. I actually fancy super short stories. It's easy to accidentally write them, not easy to purposefully though. Good job, really. It looks like a promising start, and if it isn't, it really is a solid work of literature. You utilized different literary techniques with the italicized wording of thoughts and the way each word spoken actually had a reason for being spoken. I really liked it. Its a lot more development than I have seen since I joined....(only a couple of days ago, but I've been editing like mad!). Uh, yeah. Good good.
Oh, but one critique, the guy's character is great, but I think he relinquishes the information she wanted too easily. That's not believable at all. He had guarded before, right? Even if he could, it would still be hard for him to let it go..I mean...put more internal struggle before he actually says it. Let him pace, squeeze her harder, let her see his body shifting to brace impact. Not just a sigh. Really, don't forget to humanize your characters. At that instance it was like he was a marionette doll just doing what you said instead of a person.
Also at "Well fell in love. Did you know that?" Yeah, that shouldn't be as confident as it sounds. Make him wary of the answer, if he's still so confident he either looks like a total prick, or some debonair guy, which he's not, he's barbaric. and if he was sure, why'd he ask? I'd rather I saw some internal conflict in him here like, make him be scared of her answer. What if she was like "No. Peace out, ho. Back to your time fool!" wtf would he do then?
The last "I'm in love" isn't needed. It seems like she's trying to convince herself that she's in love rather than she is actually in love. I mean, remember that although she is narrating we are not there at that time. Also, ending a note on "I'm in love" is just a tad cheezy. We get she's in love, you don't have to restate it a lot. In fact, you don't even have to state it. Love is such a common concept in novels that the reader can pick it up simply by the type of adjectives used to describe the character. A good sign is anything that has to do with a heart racing when someone is around.
Also at not knowing how she felt and all that jazz, the "I loved him" isn't needed there.
I think it's the second "I loved him" from the bottom one.
You make us seem like we are slow when you state it like that, and it really does cheapen the emotion. It makes it very superficial. "Love" can not be the basis of her entire being. It's her character and how she expresses that "love" so saying "I love him" isn't the important part, it's what the character is doing to show that love. That's like me saying "I love you" and then punching you in the face or me saying I love you and snogging you all over the place. Either way, it doesn't excuse my action. even if it's "love" it doesn't necessarily mean I'm honest, or that I'm not at fault here.
You get me? I like to work with analogies a lot, and I hope you understand them.
Good story though. It receives my official stamp of approval.
YATTA!
Hiii! Alright, well, good story! I just have a couple corrections. Oh, by the way, I joined yesterday, and I have no idea how to make things not bold, so it kind of made random things bold. I'm sorry! And it's not making my comments a different color... wow. Um, good luck trying to figure out where I wrote things. :