Chapter 1:
When I was little my favorite show was Sister Smiley. The show was about a robot girl who just wanted to be a normal girl. So she rids her city of any bad guys like a super hero. The show was on every night a 6:30 p.m. and I watched it every time. One day my mother came home with the best news, We were going to meet Sister Smiley in person. I was so excited that I barely slept that night.
The day had finally arrived. I was going to a meet up with Sister Smiley!!! There were kids or all ages there. They lined up to see her. Then the doors swung open and the wave of children flowed into the room.
"Sit down everyone." A voice called from the front of the room.
"Hey a kids!" Shouted Sister Smiley.
"It's her!" I yelled.
"I'm gonna sing a song for you." All of the parents started exiting the room, but I was to interested in Sister Smiley.
"High-low hit your face I'll put you in your place. High-low hit your face you look like a disgrace. High-low hit your face the treatment's nOT a RaCE." Sister Smiley started glitching and then the lights went out. Everyone started screaming and yelling for their parents. Suddenly puffs of some sort of gas started coming out of the walls. The next thing I knew kids started toppling onto the floor.
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140,698 Literary Works • 673,654 Reviews
Okay, what the heck did I read?
Sorry, um, hello KaPo21, I'm here to review your story! First off I'd like to acknowledge that this is dark. That's cool. I like dark. Second, there were some grammar mistakes, but nothing too bad.
At first, i thought she rid her city of super heroes, but then I read it again and then it made sense. She rid her city of bad guys exactly like a super hero would. Except, that isn't normal. It says she wants to be normal, but fighting bad guys isn't. Okay, I'll continue.
Overall, this story was dark as ever, but enjoyable. Hopefully you can finish this book.
With caution,
WaterSpout
Hey Kathryn! I loved this chapter. The first chapter is always the hardest, introducing the characters and such, but you did really well! Your grammar, punctuation, and spelling was OK. Spelling was a bit off. A few mistakes such as, you put hey a kids, when you meant heya kids. Otherwise, all good. Keep in writing and Merry (early) Christmas!
This is one of the darkest stories I've ever read in my life... Which is amazing!! I love dark stories. I always have, but their are some things that may need to be fixed.
There are a few spelling errors in your writing, which I guess isn't rare. Sometimes, autocorrect does that, other times, it's the excitement that messes that up. Like in the line "'Hey a kids!'" I believe you meant "Heya kids!" Which is the proper slang for this situation. Same with the first paragraph, in the sentence "One day my mother came home with the best news, We were going to meet Sister Smiley in person." If I had the chance to correct this, there would be two ways to do this; "One day my mother came home with the best news; We were going to meet Sister Smiley in person!" or "One day my mother came home with the best news, we were going to see Sister Smiley in person!" You'll want to show your excitement toward meeting "Sister Smiley" like you actually do.
I hope none of these offended you in any way, shape, or form, and if it did, I apologize in advance.
Other than that, the story was incredible and spooky in every way!
Keep shining! <3
-Aeris
Thanks!
This was the darkest short story I have ever read. Am I weird for liking it?
No, not at all