Omg yassssss
When I woke up I was in a dark room. My clothes had been changed. It was so cold. Then the door started shacking.
"HELP!!! HELP!!!" The door swung open and a man took me by the under arm and dragged me to a room and threw me on the ground.
"HELLPPP!!! HHHEELP!!! MMMOOM...MMMOOM."
"Jade? Jade? Wake up. I'm Kellcy and I will be asking you some questions for today. First off what are you afraid of?" I had no good reason to stay silent.
"Ummm...when I was little my father, a retired fire fighter, was out late when he was hanging out with his friends. Some of his friends got drunk and he offered to take them home even though he did not have a car. So he called up my mom and we went to go get them. When we arrived the apartment complex was on fire. My mom stopped the car and ran out living me alone. The was people wow were covered in smoke being hauled out of the building.
"HARRIS!!! HARRIS!!" My mother was yelling as she pushed through the people to the entrance.
"HARRIS!!! Ron." that was one of the people who was with my father. He was my father's best friend.
"Where is Harris?"
"He ran inside a few minutes ago. But he hasn't come out yet." My mother shoved him aside and ran towards the entrance. Ron ran after her and grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back.
"You know it's no use going in there!" My mother fell into Ron's arms and started crying.
"So are you afraid of fire?" The lady asked me.
"Yes."
"Okay that's all I need to know."
When I woke up I was in a dark room. My clothes had been changed. It was so cold. Then the door started shacking.
"HELLPPP!!! HHHEELP!!! MMMOOM...MMMOOM."
I had no good reason to stay silent.
There was peoplewowwere covered in smoke being hauled out of the building.
Hey, there. This definitely took an unexpected twist. Not bad. You definitely make the reader curious and arouse an interest in what in the world is going on.
I noticed some errors that I will mention. First of all, as has already been mentioned, the misspelling of the word "shaking" in the beginning. I also noticed a sentence that didn't quite make sense. It is this one:
"The was people wow were covered in smoke being hauled out of the building."
Maybe it was just autocorrect or something, but the wording is confusing to me.
The next thing I noticed was this part:
""HARRIS!!! Ron." that was one of the people who was with my father. He was my father's best friend."
I'm not sure what's going on here, as the punctuation leaves me a little bewildered. Is his mom addressing the guy called Ron here? Maybe try to change up the punctuation so it would look a little more like this:
"HARRIS! Ron," - that was one of the people who was with my father, and my father's best friend - "Where is Harris?"
I hope that makes sense. Other than that, you've done well. Keep up the good work!
Kathryn, this chapter was really good, especially because you wrote it all in math class with out being caught 😉. The theme is very good and the lot is even better, I can tell you put a Lot of work into this. One thing that bugged me was you spelt shaking wrong in the first paragraph. You put shacking. Other than that, everything was good. Keep on writing (I can't wait until the next installment!) and Merry (early) Christmas!
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