She was running for her life, flying past locked class room doors and the multi-colored lockers of her middle school. Her breath was coming in ragged gulps and her legs felt as though they were going to burn away beneath her. Some part of her was beginning to wonder just how bad stopping would be. Maybe better to stop while she still had some energy to fight, but then, how did one fight that? Then she spotted the girls locker room and dove for the door.
Slam! The door had been locked. She folded to the floor with the breath knocked out of her.
“Ohhhhhh, why? Whyyyy?” she cried through clenched teeth.
“Little giirrrllll!” A malicious voice called from somewhere down the hall. She struggled, casting her eyes about for a way out of this nightmare but all she saw was a cat. A little grey cat, to be precise. It pranced over to her and began to lick the tears off of her face, purring kindly.
“Get out of here cat! There's a monster coming!”
“Oh I'm not worried about him.” said the cat. “Don't be frightened, I'm here now.” He pranced down the hallway leaving Melany in a daze.
“Just how hard did I hit that door?” She wondered.
The cat hadn't gone far when an Ominous brown figure turned the corner. It was tall, hunched at the shoulders with 4 shiny black eyes speckling it's long ugly face. It's shape was like that of a centaur if a centaur were a spider, with long greasy black dreads and a predators smile. It was moving slowly, having difficulty with the slippery tile floor. Then it spotted the cat and it's smile faded.
“Thelonious? What are you doing here!?” It asked. Anger punctuated his every word but it couldn't hide the fear in his voice.
“Quazi Fera, by the authority given to me I here by place you under arrest!”
“Arrest? Ha! Why didn't you know? I have a hunting license. I came here all nice and legal just for you.”
The cat smiled indulgently,“Yes, you did that much. I appreciate your good citizenship, but that doesn't cover up the whole list of minor warrants trailing behind you. The most prominent one being a recent jump into hyper space in a no hyper wave zone. That should fetch you a week or two at least. Not long, but it serves my purposes.”
Quazi's eyes darkened, he spat a stream of clear brown liquid that landed near Thelonious's feet and burned through the floor.
“Just try something and I'll melt you into cat soup.”
Thelonious wasn't impressed.
“I'm not afraid of you Quazi. Shame you can't say the same.”
Thelonious sprinted full speed toward the spider dodging the streams of acid that poured from its mouth. He was within leaping distance when the spider lost his nerve and turned to run. Like before he couldn't get a grip on the smooth floor, he slipped, caught himself and tried to climb up the wall. The drywall and panelings crumbled under his weight. He fell, spit again, but had little left to spit. Theolonious leaped onto Quazi's back and latched on with teeth and claws. The spider screamed a horrible ugly scream, stiffened, and then fell to the floor paralyzed.
The little grey cat climbed up and sat on the spider's head, licking his paws and looking very pleased with himself. He looked up and noticed Mellany who had picked herself up and was looking as though she didn't know if she could trust her eyes or not.
“Don't be afraid. I've fully sedated him. He won't be coming around for an hour now at least.”
“Wha-what?” she asked, wincing at how shaky her voice sounded. “I- is this some sort of trick?”
“Not at all, but I understand your confusion.”
The cat leaped off and trotted up to her.
“Allow me to introduce myself. I am Interstellar Ranger Thelonious Fur. You are living under my jurisdiction. It is my job to protect you and people like you from invading thugs like Mr. Quazi here. Recently laws have been passed by my own government that have made my job very difficult. I've been doing my best to oppose this but there is only so much that I can do without breaking the law myself. Thankfully, Quazi Fera here made it easy for me.”
She stared at him, feeling very lost for words. What exactly could one say in response to that.
The little cat waited patiently until she finally said," Are more going to come?"
"Most definitely, but most of them will be past offenders like mister Quazi here so you shouldn't be in too much danger."
He was trying to sound encouraging but there was a slight hesitance in his voice, like he was telling a half lie and hated it.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Heyo, there!
You often tell them wat the character is doing. Make them see it with the imagination.
Alright, your story is nice. I've never read one like it. Thanks for the experience.
1.) The start is very nice. I like the action - as the person below me stated. There are a few things I would change, though I'm just being a bit picky.
She was running faster than she had ever run before, flying past locked class room doors and the multi-colored lockers of her middle school. Her breath was coming in ragged gulps, she felt sick to her stomach and her legs felt as though they were going to burn away beneath her. Some part of her was beginning to wonder just how bad stopping would be. Maybe better to stop while she still had some energy to fight...but then, how did one fight that? Then she spotted the girls locker room and dove for the door.
a) Careful for run on sentences. Try saying the whole thing out loud, ONLY pausing for a breath at the periods. Run ons drive the reader away, they get easily overwhelmed.
b) Try not to tell the reader things, make them imagine it!
c) Try to be careful with '...' so many periods at once makes your story look a bit immature. Try using commas, and when nodded, then use periods.
2.) Try to not use slang or informal english.
a) “Whu...whaaa?”
I know many people who write like this, and for me - it drives me away. I know you want to make sure that people read the story like that, but use, "Wha- what?" I drawled out. Its just a suggestion, because Ive seen books who were published like this - its simply my preferences.
Alright! Thats all! Hope you keep writing, you have many unique ideas!
Thanks for the review! I tired to iron it out a bit.
I guess I never thought of an ellipses being a bad thing. I use them for pauses that are longer than a comma, but I'll try fixing that. I'm still learning. ^.^
AnarchyWolf here to review!
She was running faster than she had ever run before, flying past locked class room doors and the multi-colored lockers of her middle school. For now she was well ahead of her pursuer but it wouldn't be that way for long. Her breath was coming in ragged gulps, she felt sick to her stomach and her legs felt as though they were going to either burn away or liquify beneath her. Some part of her was beginning to wonder just how bad stopping would be. Maybe better to stop while she still had some energy to fight...but then, how did one fight that? Then she spotted the girls locker room and dove for the door.
Good action beginning! It draws the reader in. The description is good, while keeping the pace quick. On thing - liquefy, not liquify.
Slam! The door had been locked and she had hit it full speed. She folded to the floor with the breath knocked out of her. “Ohhhhhh, why? Why?” she cried through clenched teeth. “Little giirrrllll!” A malicious voice called from somewhere down the hall. She winced, casting her eyes about desperately a way out of this nightmare but all she saw was a cat. A little grey cat, to be precise. It pranced over to her and began to lick the tears off of her face, purring kindly. “Get out of here cat! There's a monster coming!” “Oh I'm not worried about him,” spoke the cat in a sophisticated voice. “Don't be frightened, I'm here now.” The cat pranced down the hallway leaving Melany in a daze, “Just how hard did I hit that door?” She wondered.
If I was being real fussy then Slam! should be in italics. Dialogue should start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks, so your paragraph will look like:
Slam! The door had been locked and she had hit it full speed. She folded to the floor with the breath knocked out of her.
“Ohhhhhh, why? Why?” she cried through clenched teeth.
“Little giirrrllll!” A malicious voice called from somewhere down the hall.
She winced, casting her eyes about desperately a way out of this nightmare but all she saw was a cat. A little grey cat, to be precise. It pranced over to her and began to lick the tears off of her face, purring kindly.
“Get out of here cat! There's a monster coming!”
“Oh I'm not worried about him,” spoke the cat in a sophisticated voice. “Don't be frightened, I'm here now.” The cat pranced down the hallway leaving Melany in a daze,
“Just how hard did I hit that door?” She wondered.
Also, her thought should be in italics too to make it stand out from the dialogue.
An Ominous brown figure turned the corner. It was tall, hunched at the shoulders with 4 shiny black eyes speckling it's long ugly face. It's shape was like that of a centaur if a centaur were a spider with long greasy black dreds and smile that could kill. It was moving slowly, having difficulty with the slippery tile floor. Then it spotted the cat and it's smile faded. “Thelonious...what are you doing here?” It asked. There was fear in it's voice. “Quazi Fera, I'm here to take you in!” “Take me in? You? Ha!” The creature was trying to sound confident but the quiver in his voice betrayed him. “You don't have the right. I have a hunting license, I came here all nice and legal just in case you decided to show up.” The cat smiled indulgently,“Yes, you did that much. I appreciate your good citizenship.” Then he got serious, “but that doesn't cover up the whole list of minor warrants trailing behind you. The most prominent one being a recent jump into hyper space in a no hyper wave zone. That should fetch you a week or two in prison at least. Not long, but it serves my purposes.”
Nice description. Again, dialogue-presentation, but apart from that it's good. You can get a feel for the characters in this paragraph, as well as pick up on a hinted history between the cat and the monster.
Quazi's eyes darkened, he spat a stream of clear brown liquid that landed near the cats feet and burned through the floor. “Just try something and I'll melt you into cat soup.” Thelonious wasn't impressed, “I'm not afraid of you Quazi. Shame you can't say the same.” Thelonious sprinted full speed toward the spider dodging the streams of acid that poured from Quazi's mouth. He was in leaping distance when the panicked spider lost his nerve turned to run. Like before he couldn't get a grip on the smooth floor, he slipped, caught himself and tried to climb up the wall. The drywall and panelings crumbled under his weight. He fell, spit again, but had little left to spit. Theolonious leapt onto Quazi's back latched on with teeth and claws. Quazi screamed then stiffened and fell to the floor paralyzed.
You're good at writing action scenes. One thing - 'he was in leaping distance' should be 'he was within leaping distance'. The dialogue thing (again). 'Quazi screamed then stiffened and fell' should be either 'Quazi screamed and then stiffened', 'Quazi screamed, stiffened, and' or 'Quazi screamed, then stiffened', not just the bare 'then'.
Thelonious climbed up and sat on Quazi's head, licking his paws and looking very pleased with himself. He looked up and noticed Mellany who had picked herself up and was looking as though she didn't know weather she could trust her eyes or not. “Don't be afraid. I've fully sedated him. He won't be coming around for an hour now at least.” “Whu...whaaa?” she asked, wincing at how shaky her voice sounded. “I...is this some sort of trick?” “Not at all, but I understand your confusion.” The cat lept off and trotted up to her. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am Interstellar Ranger Thelonious Fur. You are living under my jurisdiction. It is my job to protect you and people like you from invading thugs like Mr. Quazi here. Recently laws have been passed by my own government that have made my job very difficult. I've been doing my best to oppose this but there is only so much that I can do without breaking the law myself. Thankfully, Quazi Fera here made it easy for me.”
I love Thelonious' history and job. It's creative, and he's kind of badass. Mellany's written well, too, but be careful not to make her into a cliche tagalong
She stared at him and felt a little uneasy, what could one say in response to that. "...Well...Thank you... but what happens now? Are more going to come?" "Most definitely, but most of them will be past offenders like mister Quazi here so you shouldn't be in too much danger." He was trying to sound encouraging but there was a slight hesitance in his voice, like he was telling a half lie and hated it.
I love the 'half a lie and hated it' bit. I can't wait to read more!
-AnarchyWolf
Thank you so much! I think I fixed all errors you pointed out. ^.^ I even fixed some other stuff too.