I step out,
barefoot,
into the cold morning grass,
relieved to have made it through,
another night.
The pale air strikes my senses,
and I let it fill me,
like pure water pouring into,
an old cracked vase.
A sigh escapes, as thoughts jumble up,
of what I'm doing out here,
in the cold.
Frustrated, I brush them down,
stroking my disrupted conscience,
telling it,
I will be okay.
I just don't want to spend,
another night,
in that dusty old house,
so full of stagnant memories.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
This poem seems to be something of descriptive and a bit of narrative quality. I'm very fond of your writing technique as you describe the atmosphere and environment very well.
Content wise, there seems to be a strong deeper meaning in your work. The readers would have to read twice or even thrice to understand this deeper meaning. In this case it's good because you manage to engage your readers with your interesting writing. The story of a disturbed person, maybe even someone old because they would be thankful to be live another day. I make these assumptions according to your descriptions such as "old cracked vase" and "relieved to live another night".
Grammar and Spelling wise, you seem pretty safe as I find no spelling mistakes. Likewise grammar, I don't seem to identify any grammar errors. This is a good start.
Structure wise, I praise you for the way you've organized your poem. You have five stanzas, each with four lines. Except for the third stanza, with the three lines. Upon reading the poem, I realized the significance of that stanza having less lines. You've made that stanza significant, to indicate a turning point in your poem - the state of the character, as to being quite disturbed or unhappy.
Your poem is very coherent in expressing the content. It's in chronological order, which helps ensure that your content isn't all over the place.
You've used literary devices very well here. I am able to spot adjectives, personification, sibilance, similes, and metaphors. This has helped to enhance the power of your content even more.
My personal rating for your work is 4.6/5
Since your work has gotten over 80% from me, I shall add a "like" to your work.
Keep it up
Hey, Dogs here to review!
So let's get right into the review.
I'm going to start off by pointing out nitpicks and suggestions. *Please don't take these personally, I'm only trying to help. If I sound rude or harsh, I'm not trying to be, and I apologize in advance*
1) In the first stanza it reads.
This is a little choppy instead of making the word "barefoot" underneath "I step out" you should put it beside.
2)
Same thing here. It doesn't sound bad, or choppy, you should just make this all one line.
I really enjoyed this piece, but certain things you could've made just one line. I'm not sure if the first little errors were just me, because I haven't read the other reviews yet, but yeah!!!
I really enjoyed this poem, even though I had no personal connections to it!
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
Hello, Justlittleoleme2!
After I reviewed another poem, this poem caught my eye because of it's title, so here's a review to get it out of the Green Room.
I don't have any personal feelings toward the poem, so I'm just going to jump right into it.
The first stanza says:
I step out,
barefoot.
I think that it sounds somewhat choppy. I think it's mainly because the "barefoot" part doesn't seem so necessary as to which it deserves it's own line. You could possibly put that into one line, or maybe take the barefoot part out altogether.
"Relieved to have made it through,
another night."
This time, another night is a bit more necessary, but I think it'd still be better off as one line.
"An old cracked vase"
Eh, I keep reading this line wrong. I keep thinking it should say, "A cracked, old vase," but it could just be me. Really, the poem was fine, and most of my feedback for it was just little nitpicks. Most of the nitpicks I have don't bother anybody else beside me...
So yeah, there's my review. Nice job!
~Moonwatcher
Thank for taking the time to review. ^.^
I enjoyed reading this.
Something about the way you wrote this piece makes me wonder, a lot of questions are running through my mind and I am very intrigued about quite a number of things.
It's filled with mystery, for instance;
" I just don't want to spend,
another night,
in that dusty old house,
so full of stagnant memories."
There is a line that caught my attention. It's the fact that you said "Dusty old house", why was the house dusty? Is it old? Is it dusty because she's alone?
I enjoyed this piece, keep writing!
I'm just going to review the title because I don't have much time. My favorite part of this poem is the title. There's something disjointed about it (in a good way). The first part seems so hopeful and rejuvenating: a new morning connotes a fresh start, a chance to change. But then there's that preposition that has completely opposite connotations. After another night gives a sense of drudgery, like the narrator is stuck in a rut, and it's a complete 180 from the first line.
Very nice! It immediately makes my think of someone in a rural area maybe (prairie?) and they're trapped in a house, maybe physically or by fear of the dark outside. When the sun finally rises they run out hastily, leaving shoes and anything else behind. I liked it a lot. Sort of wish I had a reason they didn't want to stay in the house (I know memories are mentioned) but I feel like the mystery aspect was intended.