The crunch of my heart was almost audible, like a kosher pickle under a heavey black work boot. I could clearly feel the indention his sole had left long after the sharp echo of his foot steps had faded down the empty corridoor. I couldn't believe it, in fact I almost didn't , that is till the shaking of my traitorous knees nearly brought me to the ground. I didn't mind, in fact sinking into the earth, laying there until I faded into it, sounded like a good idea. I was too tired to go on anyway. This week had been aweful and this, this was only the metaphoric sour cherry on the top of my three tier helping of sorrow cake, iced mockingly with false promise.
I gave in, I went so far as to allow myself to sink down on the floor, hot tear streaked cheeks pressed against the cold tile. It felt good at first, and as I allowed a few unstiffled sobs to escape I imagined that for a moment I had truly become one with the floor.
Funnily enough, 5 minutes later I was still there, a grown woman in buisness casual laying down on the ground like a tantrum throwing 6 year old. It wasn't fair, I felt so dead and invisible yet I was painfully much too alive.
The echo of high heels coming from somewhere around the corner brought me to my feet like a startled cat. Sheepishly I straightened out my clothes and snuffed away my tears on the sleve of my work suit. I tried to put on a convincing smile as a short, neatly dressed woman came face to face to me. I hoped that she couldn't tell I had been crying but something in her demeanor told me she already knew.
"I heared you broke up with Aleck. I'm soo sorry Mariline, we all thought you two were a perfect couple. I can't imagine what could be wrong with that man." This was a simple and honest enough sentitiment but there were two things off about this. One being that I didn't even know this women, the other being that she knew about my very recent and totally unforseen break up. I wanted to smack her, I wanted to leave a big ol' red whelp in the perfect shape of my hand on her powdered little cheek but I checked my self. For a straight second I studied this woman's face, purple lips shaped in a sympathetic pout, round doll like brown eyes, I couldn't do it. There was just nothing threatening enough about her.
I tried to respond in a casual way, something along the lines of, "Well you know, that's life I guess," but all that came out was a strangled, "uh-huh,". "Well, don't let it get you down, you aren't the first person that Aleck has dumped straight out of the blue. He's just a wierd type like that. I knew it was coming I just wish I had warned you when I saw him leading you back here. ...but I guess I thought, well you know... I know sometimes couples come back here to...well you know. I thought I'd be interfering more than helping." She tugged nervously at her suit sleeve, a light blush peaking from behind her make up. "I really ought to learn to mind my own buisness... "
For some reason her awkwardness and concern struck me as commical and wierdly enough I began to laugh. Not a healthy laugh either but the kind that you would imagine cackling from the throat of some mad villianess. It startled her and I tried to quiet down, reassuring her through held back tears that it was "quite alright. I appreciated her concern" before slinking down the hall way and up the stairs towards the roof. This sent her into a startled panick as she flew past me, tripping in her posh little purple pumps as she blocked my way from the roof enterance.
"UH-Uh, you aren't doing your self in on my watch. We are going to the counceler right now missy. " She slipped her short little arm in mine, holding my elbow in a vice grip as she marched me back into the more inhabitted side of the building. "Do my self in?" I thought to myself, now more than slightly humored by her concern,"The idea hadn't even crossed my mind. It was a good one though, I'm sure I would have eventually thought of it, standing up there hundreds of feet off the ground, the october wind in my hair and only a bleak grey future staring me in the face." Suddenly, I was no longer amused by the presence of this posh purple clad creature because to be honest...she may have just saved my life...
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Hi littleole! I’m so sorry it’s taken so long to catch up with this; uni’s been busy.
I’m not sure this is the best of openings. It took me quite a while to realise what you were talking about. At first I thought you were talking about a heartbeat, then about an actual injury—but it’s a metaphorical injury, correct? “Heartbroken”?
Also “heavey” should be “heavy”.
Should be “footsteps” and “corridor”.
Should be “awful”.
Spell-check tells me that this isn’t a word. In any case, it’s redundant because by saying that they were allowed to escape you’re saying that they were “unstiffled”.
Write out numbers—“five” and “six”. Also that should be “business”.
Should be “sleeve”.
Should be “heard”, “sentiment”, “unforeseen” and “myself”.
Should be “weird”.
Should be “make-up” and “business”.
Should be “comical”, “weirdly”, “villainess”, “panic” and “entrance”.
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Hi!
The main problem here is spelling. Run this through a spell-check and you’ll be able to fix them yourself. I’ve picked out most of them, but you should proof-read before submitting.
There’s not a huge lot to go on here, and I don’t get to know your character as well as I’d like in a first chapter. A first chapter should intrigue me to read on, but I don’t really get that here. Your protagonist seems to act in a very childish way—even if she has just been dumped, collapsing to the floor in a public place seems too OTT to be believable. I don’t even know her name, and there’s nothing really new or original in her grief to make her interesting. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but it’s really only meant to help!
Characters are tricky things sometimes; they’re like people, and no one likes to be with someone with whom they have nothing in common, or who they don’t feel some interest in. I don’t get a sense of your character’s misery because it’s all fairly generic. Her boyfriend’s broken up with her. And? Loads of people get dumped every day, so what is there about this dumpee that should make me care about her? I’d like some individuality, something new to hook me into the story. So far I’m more interested in the purple woman because she seems to have that spark of originality—her purple shoes and purple lips and doll-like eyes are what I remember because they’re something different.
PM or Wall me if you have any questions!
-twit
Hey Twit,
Thanks for reviewing my story. I'll try to liven up the main character a bit but I actually didn't plan on doing that till later on. Trust me, she has been through a lot worse than a break up, I tried to allude to that in the second paragraph somewhere but I think I failed there. o.o Anyway, I agree with you on liking the purple lady (her name is Lily). She just kinda came alive on her own LOL I actually don't know the main characters name either at this point soooo...yeah. Hehe. Anyway, I could give a million excuses on why the characters are so poorly developed at this point but I won't torchure you like that
Again, Thanks for the review. I'll try to involve the readers emotions a little more.
~ Justlittleoleme
Hello dear! Here to review! Sorry it took me so long... Life got in the way.
Wonderful imaginary!
I thought this was a wonderful little story. The only thing I have to complain about is all the misspellings. Next time, try running it through spell check before you submit.
Just wonderful!
xxSparkles
If you review this I will review yours! Promise!!! :3