It was a calm balmy evening. The sun was setting behind the old mossy trees making everything bright gold and red behind their black silhouettes. Sarah and Jacob were just fishing, lounging on the bank watching their bobbers slowly become harder and harder to see in the dim light as they sipped on warm soda. Jacob's stomach was growling, it was getting dark, mosquitos were biting and neither he or his sister had caught anything that day. "Do you think it is about time to head home?" He asked hopefully, standing up and stretching his arms and legs. Sarah was staring out into the the sunset, blissfully unaware that her younger brother had spoken, moved, or even existed.
"Sarah???" "huh?...Oh, I guess...I was thinking maybe we could light a fire or something, try some night fishing since it will be a full moon. I bought some glow in the dark lures just in case." She dug into their cluttered old tackled box and held up a green fluorescent lure. "I also bought some hot dogs or marsh mellows we could roast, we could even cut up the hot dogs to use as cat fish bait. You never know, there might be a big one out here."
"Sarah, it's late, I'm tired and we haven't caught anything all day, I just want to go home okay? Maybe some other night." It was too dark to see each others expressions by this point but Sarah's disappointment could be sensed well enough. "...well...alright." She stood up with a sigh and began reeling in her line. Her bobber had just reached the bank when it suddenly popped beneath the water and the drag on her reel began to squeal.
"OH! Hey!" Excitedly she began reeling in, "JAcob! Look!" They both stared at the black water. Fight as she might more and more of her line was disappearing into the lake at a rate that sent chills of excitement up her spine. "Oh my Gosh! This is going to be a giant!" "SArah set the drag a little tighter or he is going to take out all the line," "I know I know, I just don't want him to break it!" "Your going to loose him!" Desperate she began tightening the drag while running along the bank, but the fish wasn't swimming along the bank, it was swimming toward the center of the lake, so Sarah did the next most sensible thing she could think, she ran into the lake.
"What are you doing!" "I'm going to loose him!! Go get the boat!" "But its all the way at the dock!" "Just GO GET IT!" "FINE!" Jacob ran off towards the dock, praying that his crazy sister didn't get herself killed.
He reached the dock and jumped in the small leaky fishing boat, thankfully the batteries for the motor were charged and he was able to get it running. His heart began to race when he reached the place his sister should have been and saw nothing but open water. He switched off the motor, and called out, "Sarah!!!" Nothing. " SARAHHHH!!!" "I'm over here!" He heard her shout from the opposite bank followed by a fit of coughing. He found her over there, soaking wet and empty handed. "What happened to the rod?" He asked, very relieved and surprised by the anger that he was starting to feel.
"The stupid fish (cough cough) ripped it (cough) out of my hands! Ugh, I'm all soaking wet for nothing!" "You know, it was probably an Alligator, you might be lucky that thing got away." "Nah, it didn't fight,(cough cough), like an alligator, besides, an alligator would have broken my line(cough). That was a fish no doubt, and a big one." "You don't even know what an alligator fights like, how do you know for sure that it wasn't?" "What alligator bites a worm on a hook, Jacob? It was a fish, I'm telling you!"
TOO BE CONTINUED!!!
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
I liked this a lot. It was short but sweet, and I want to see how it gets resolved! A nice title too. The character relationships seemed really natural - the bickering between them is uncanny.
A rule with writing that really must be followed is this: new person = new line. You've broken that a lot here, so please keep that in mind. The actual dialogue itself was great, just make sure that whenever the characters take turn speaking, they get a new line, otherwise it can be confusing to the reader about who's speaking.
Just be careful, you've held the shift key down too long and ended up with two capital letters at the start of 'Jacob' and 'Sarah' - awesome name, by the way
Only other thing I have to say is that the 'cough' in parentheses doesn't quite work. Maybe you could have Sarah's dialogue, then 'she said, coughing' or something like that.
It was an enjoyable story to read, so keep writing!
This is a very interesting story, I love the brother and sister relationship. Thank you for not making this romantic. It reminded me of what would happen if me and my brother ever went out fishing together., He would probably try to jump in and catch the fish with his bare hands, but ya know, what are brother's for?
This story was only broken up only by my capacity to catch sentence structure like a hawk. Flow is something I think makes or breaks a story. It isn't all about what you write, though quality is an admirable trait, but HOW you write it added. I love how well you adapt with prose, but some of the informal language set the tone at one thing, only to be changed a minute later. Not that its a particularly bad thing, just beware that such an action doesn't become habit, I tell you, those tones will get you!
Then the dialogue. I saw what you were trying to do there. I agree that at times there needs to be more talking than action, especially at scenes like this when giant fishy's are trying to eat sisters. That's a great moment to keep up waiting to see what happens. I know I was half waiting for her to fall in and find a shark, but that's besides the point. The dialogue should be separated. perhaps each one make its own little paragraph? I have found that doing it in such a way looks neater.
Other than that, well done!
I like your style of writing....
very good story, too. I'm pretty sure the person above (or below , I haven't gotten a feel for the comments yet) covered all the grammatical errors. Good Job!
Cool story, I want to know what will happen!
Just a few nitpicks I found:
Whenever there are two adjectives, put in a comma to divide them. So it would be: "It was a calm, balmy evening. The sun was setting behind th old, mossy trees (...)"
You need to always put in paragraph breaks in between dialogue!
Also, whenever you open quotation marks you need to have capital letters.
*You're and *lose
The rest I think you were great with details and I enjoyed reading it