My name is Justin. I am a normal kid that goes to school just like everyone else who is my age. Today is February 5, 2016. My friends and I are going to camp out in the jungle near our houses tonight. We want to discover new creatures and become famous for the discoveries. I just hope I can make it through school without being anxious for the trip.
I made it through school and my friends are coming to my house with their camping gear. My mom told me that when my friends get to our house, I should probably grab my shotgun in case we see carnivores in the jungle. About 15 minutes later, Eli, Michael, and Gordon arrived at my house with their gear. I ran outside and packed my stuff into the trunk of Michael’s car. We were off in a matter of minutes. In a couple of hours, we reached the jungle and set up camp. The hardest part was setting up four tents. “When are we having dinner” Gordon asked. “After we explore for an hour or two,” I replied. We set off into the unknown hoping to discover something new.
In the time frame I had promised, we went back to camp and had dinner. After dinner we put out the fire and went to bed. About an hour later, bright lights woke up all four of us. We stumbled out of our tents and walked toward the lights. We had to continually look away to get water in our eyes because the lights were too bright to look at directly. We reached the origin of the lights and saw many scientists walking in and out of a tent that was labeled “Containment Unit.” We heard animal cries coming from the tent. We gave each other questioning looks and ran into the tent. We snuck past scientists until we found where they were keeping the animals. Before we could reach the cages, scientists swarmed us and knocked us out.
I woke up on a metal table with scientists all around me. I tried to get up, but I was strapped down. A tall, slender scientist came up to me and injected me with some sort of serum. I felt instant pain within my body and started thrashing about. My body stopped spasming and began to change. I don’t mean that I just had to pee, it literally began to look different. My arms, legs, and face began to grow black fur. They also began to get bulkier until the muscles on my arms and legs were the sizes of watermelons. The remaining skin became rough and irritating. I realized I had become a gorilla. I broke the restraints and grabbed the nearest scientist by the neck and said, “What did you do to me?! Where are my friends?!” Before the scientist could reply, I choked him to death as if I had a grip of steel. This was the first murder I had committed. I backed into a corner and began to punch holes in the walls. Scientists tried to tranquilize me, but I knocked them away. I took one final punch and rammed the wall down. In the room I found myself in, Gordon was unconscious and strapped to a metal table just like I was. A scientist was injecting a serum that was similar to mine, right into Gordon’s arm! Gordon’s skin started turning green and scaly. Before I knew it, Gordon was an iguana. I ran at the scientist and knocked him out. Gordon woke up and I made him cling to my arm. He told me where Eli and Michael were being held. We were too late to save them, which means they already injected with the serum. Eli was transformed into a kangaroo and Michael was transformed into a lion. They were fighting off scientists that were trying to tranquilize them. Eli kicked a scientist who flew in the air and landed right in front of me. I kicked the scientist away before he could get up. When the scientist landed, I heard crushing bones. My friends and I gathered together and we ran outside. Dawn was breaking and we had to be home by noon. The thing is, we didn’t know what our parents would think if they saw what we had become. We decided not to go home, but to find somewhere safe in the jungle until we found out how to change back. We went back to our campsite, but found that everything was destroyed. There was no food which meant we would have to forage for food. There were no edible berries around so we would have to eat tree bark for now. We split up to find fresh water, but we all got lost. We weren’t able to find each other before dark, so we would have to find each other in the morning. I found myself in the city a couple of hours later, so I decided to go home and grab water. I walked in and saw my mom sleeping on the couch. I walked into the kitchen so I could grab some water bottles. When I opened the fridge, a jelly jar fell on the floor and broke. My mom woke up and walked into the kitchen. She took one look at me before she screamed and called animal control. They arrived within minutes and put me in a cage. It didn’t take long to get to the zoo and move my cage by a kangaroo, iguana, and a lion. I realized these animals were my friends. I tried everything to get their attention, but they were all fast asleep. When I finally gave up trying to get their attention, I started punching the bars of the cage. The bars began to bend little by little. I finally got the bars to break, so I decided to break the cages that held my friends. The ruckus woke them up, so we were able to devise a plan to find a way out of the zoo. We would sneak past the night guards and climb the gate in front of the zoo. We followed the plan immediately and got out of the zoo in no time. We went back to the jungle so we could talk to the scientists.
We reached the labs where we were transformed and promised the scientists we wouldn’t kill or hurt anyone else. They agreed to tell us why they did what they did to us as long as we would keep our promise. They told us that they panicked with having people finding them in the middle of the jungle. They had been looking for cures for new diseases, but accidentally created the serum they had injected us with. They told us more about the experiments for the next few hours.
End of chapter
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Hi. So, I forgot to say that you do a lot of telling vs showing. In literure, it's a good idea to show vs tell. After all, you WANT your readers to feel emotions. YOU WANT THEM to CARE about your characters. Also, I would suggest discribing your characters. You want to 'put a piture' in the readers mind. Anyways, if you need help let me know.
PS. I really like that, in your story, that the kids who were experimented on didn't seek revenge. I really enjoyed that. Often in stories, when characters are throwen into situations like this they often want revenge. There are other, better ways, of going about somthing like that-like talking it out.
And I REALLY enjoyed how your scientist didn't MEAN to make them transform. The serum was an accadent. It wasn't like they were 'hell-bent' on conquring the world or anything. It was deffinitaly relatable to real life because scientist 'make mistakes' and may do somthing wrong without meaning to. Also, I like how, we can assume, that the scientist 'were kind' . They wern't 'mad scientist'. Like I said, scientist, for the most part, in the real world, want to better the world and people. Really good job.
Like I said, your story needs work, but you have some good, non 'clichi' ideas. Keep writing.
Hi. It's QofS.
I can tell that your new to writing, and that OK. You can, and, will get better, with time and practic. Trust me, even with myself it's taken me a few years to get to where I am.
So, I was rooting around on YWS, and I saw the title, 'Morphers' and decided to check it it out because it deals with shapeshifting.
Now, your overall concept of people who can change into animals is a great idea, although it's been done before ( but, really, what ideas are original. Most ideas are used. And that's OK. You can still trun it into somthing that is compleatlty your own/'original'.)
However, what makes your, yes, your shapeshifters stand out from other works? Maby your shifter are wanted to be used for espenoge. Or (if your characters still have their human intellect) maby 'serch and rescue' (In their animal form.) What if they could also be (in a sence) be used as service, or guard, or police animals ( although you may want to modife what animals that they turn into.)
Those are just a few ideas. In general, I feel that your story needs work. And thats OK.
I can tell that your trying and am putting forth effort into your work, and thats GREAT!!!
If you need assistance, you can message me.
OK, this is a very weird chapter, and I don't mean in terms of the plot which is fairly cliche. Now, I'll simply start by saying that I have no idea what any of these characters look like, where they live, why they want to go to a jungle, why this jungle has scientists in it, why that when they panicked they decided to commit a crime against humanity by experimenting on humans, and I have so many more questions. To say this is fast paced is an understatement, I think it would be accurate to say that it isn't paced at all. So the main character is 15, and from the introduction I assumed there was some reference to them being immature, what with them planning to discover new species in the jungle nearby and becoming famous for it. I mean let's be real that sounds like a bit of a joke. This idea of it being a merry little fun time was shattered when you suggested that little Justin bring a SHOTGUN?!? I mean sweet jesus dude if there are carnivores in the local forestry that require a shotgun to fend off I don't know why these kids are being let in, and why are 15 year olds allowed to drive and go shoot carnivores in a jungle?
So far the story has been reading a bit like a vapid fever dream that I imagine I would have had a few years ago on a hot night. It goes by so fast and has SO much room for improvement. I'm of the frame of mind that these scientists didn't invent this stuff by accident and are just psychopaths.
Write with a lot more description and depth, a lot more. Every paragraph of this first chapter could literally be it's own chapter dude.
The main character has so little drama surrounding becoming a gorilla I am shocked, he just seems to go "Oh yeah dammit I'm a gorilla again"
and according to this he can speak, but then he doesn't say anything to his mum and just lets himself be locked up, a talking gorilla would really blow animal control's minds.
OVERALL
the idea itself really isn't that bad
but the execution is atrocious. Fear not, you shall improve in time. Just remember to take time to write, and really think about what the audience needs to hear.
Hello.
Really interesting premise, here! I can tell you're really interested in getting to the meat of the action, here, by rushing through all the introduction stuff. Which is a good sign— you're excited about the story, after all— but it makes this a little hard to really read through and relate to.
We get a conflict in paragraph 1, which is great. However, the stuff we get before that line of conflict could use some polishing. Readers don't actually need to know that, and it's not the best hook out there. As outlined in this article, you really have to hook readers to get them interested. Random facts aren't the best hook out there— but the last two lines of the first paragraph are really good.
I would also summarize his school day, just to show us how the anxiety manifests itself. That helps us relate to him.
Next up, some formatting. You have fairly large paragraphs in here, when you should be changing paragraphs every time somebody speaks and every time you change ideas. So this bit here:
Should be:
You'll notice I tweaked the punctuation here, too. You can find an article on that here.
All in all, I would really slow down and stretch this out to show us what's happening, and get more inside the character's head. This play by play of action is really good for when you're excited, but it needs to slow down. You can read some pacing articles to get an idea why you want something a little slower.
But, all in all, super intrigued! You've got a really interesting premise, here. You just need to slow down so we can really get a deep sense of it.
Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.
~Rosey