OK I know this poem isn't the greatest but i just needed to get my feelings
out and this is how I was feeling at the time. Feel free to rip it to shreds.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel sadness.
I feel invisible.
As if I was an extra in a movie,
And no one would notice if I left.
I want to disappear,
Sink into the floor
Go away.
Away from the life I know,
The life I want to leave behind.
To let the spring breeze carry me away
To a place I’ve never known.
A new start is what I need.
A chance to go to a place where no one knows who I am
Where I can be anyone I choose.
A place where no one knows the mistakes I made,
Where I can’t be judged.
I want to be who I choose,
Not to be held back by those who harass me daily.
Not feel left out,
Or like an extra.
I just want to be me.
I want to be loved,
Feel like I’m needed,
Or at least wanted.
I need to find my place
Where I’m supposed to be.
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Ohhh, hannah you make me feel like I'm a horrible friend! I thought it was pretty good, you can do better but it wasn't bad because you can definitely see that you put all of your emotions into it. Trust me from experience though, going to a place where no one knows you isn't always fun, especially if it is from Indiana to, oh idk, Colorado! But i know exactly what you mean. Are you okay though? Will you be okay? I have a song for you, it's called Stand in the Rain, it is really good for this feeling; Actually it's perfect!
First off, I want to say that I really really liked this poem. You conveyed the emotion beautifully. I felt in the moment. Fabulous stuff right ther.
ISSUES I HAVE:
This was a good start, although you first describe an emotion, then something physical. I'd suggest changing one of them so they're more compatible.
And also, you don't really need that "in a movie" bit because I think it sounds better shortened.
Maybe take out the "And" in the last line, you don't need it. Remember, less is more.
The "Go away" here sounds a tad, mediocre. Maybe put in the single word, "Leave" I think that has more effect.
Here, I think if you changed it to, "A life that's best left behind."
In this entire stanza, every line starts with either A or When. Invert a couple of sentences to make it flow nicely.
You already used the word "choose" Try something different.
This line seems a bit misplaced, it doesn't really add to anything and it doesn't really fit in nicely.
This last part should be memorable, leave the reader with a few last words to think about. At the moment, the closing is a bit forgettable.
But overall, fabulous. A little tweaking and it'll be even more fabulous. Trust me.
And is this how you really feel? Do we need to talk about this honey? I'm always here.
xx,
JADE.