Outside in the cold blowing wind,
Under the disappearing moon on Christmas Eve
A smile appears upon her face.
She starts towards it as the snow begins to fall lightly to the ground.
She gets closer and closer and the smile turns into a grin.
She has finally arrived at the frozen pond.
As she takes her first step on the smooth, glass like ice
And starts to glide.
She leaves her fears and troubles behind her.
She goes out into the middle of the ice and stops.
She just stands there and takes it all in,
The quiet, peaceful night.
She starts to turn slowly as tears begin to stream down her face. She has started thinking.
Thinking of what started it all,
All the yelling, the hitting.
Her mom’s death.
She wants to let go and forget it all,
So she starts skating.
She goes all over the ice twirling and jumping.
She feels like she’s flying,
Flying away from everything,
Her troubles and her fears.
Just flying and being who she wants to be,
Herself.
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Nice intro! I already have an image of standing outside on a cold winter day with ice pelting my face, which I futilely try to cover with my scarf. Only thing is you should probably add a comma after "cold."
I like it! Just one thing to note, though, is that you don't need to capitalize the beginning of each line unless it starts a new sentence. Also, maybe make "on Christmas" a new line.
Maybe delete this part to make the line shorter- it doesn't really flow right if one line of the stanza is way longer than the rest. Also, it says she starts towards "it." What's "it?"
Maybe combine these two lines into something like "Her smile widens as she nears the frozen pond."
I don't know, just an idea.
I really like this part. It has great rhythm and really seems to fit, if you know what I mean.
Awesome!
I love the poem. It's really touching and moving.
I know I marked it all up and you're probably thinking either "oh no, what's wrong with it?" or " why did she just ruin my entire poem?" and if you're thinking the latter I'm sorry and just go ahead and ignore everything I said, I won't be offended. Because it's really fine how it is and I thought it was really good.
Most of the things I changed were just ideas about how you could get rid of "she" in some places and replace it with another word, to stop it from being so repetetive.
The part about her mom doesn't quite make sense, so you might want to add another stanza and explain it more or just delete the one you have: either way would be fine.
Other than that, though, I loved the poem, especially the part about flying. Keep writing!
Awwww hannah thats sad. I kinda agree that it needs a few more
details though. I didn't want it to end so quickly! I liked how you
used ice skating though!
oh, random I know, but would you wanna take lessons with me
again? We weren' good friends when we were taking them before
but we are now so lets try it again!
okay sorry back on topic it was cute/sad and I really liked it.
I reaaaaaally like this one.
But on account of I know how strongly you feel about it, might i suggest more vivid deets. Like at the beginning, maybe you could show some of her troubles she is skating away from ya no?
Also, might i suggest less shes. I think we get it's a girl :p haha, but there are other words for she and her. Actually they can be ommitted in quite a few cases as well.
Anyhooooo, this is lovely.
lalalalalalalovely.
I'm procrastinating because I should be writing myself, only nothing is completely knocking me over with excitement. URGG!
Ok well that's all. You rock. The end =]
'She goes all over the ice twirling and jumping. She feels like she’s flying, Flying away from everything.' That is a good part, it has a good description and it is easy to imagine it. Skating is fun and it's good that you created a poem from it.
I think the first and third line cross each other out. 'The cold wind blowing' sets the poem up for a morose, depressive scene. But 'The girl smiling' makes it light and happy. It's good but a little confusing.
The first before last paragraph is good, you set it up well but it still leaves unanswered questions. As child_of_death said.
Just work on rewording some of it and making it more clear and less vague. It's good it just needs a little tweaking.
its really good i give you that but, it seems as if you start alot of the verses with she. think of word that could correspond with it.
maybe show a little more of what made her go skating. why did you choose at the end to put in the part about her mother?? how did she wander all the way there, what made that pond special to her???
these are questions i hear from my own writing. your writing is very good. you have a talent that most people don't and its nice to seen in people.keep writing