I see you
Standing there in the cold
Waiting until you can cross the street.
My mind flashes back 12 years ago
When you left me a message
Saying you had to leave.
You broke my heart to pieces.
I never found anyone else.
My life was empty
Is empty
Without you.
You turn you’re head and spy me
Spy me watching you from a far.
You change directions and walk towards me.
My heart starts beating faster
My legs feel like jelly.
Old feelings for you return.
I almost turn and run
But my feet are planted to the ground.
You come nearer and nearer.
You whisper my name in a soft loving voice
I turn and look at you with soft brown eyes.
My mind is full of questions
But I can only speak one question
One word
Why?
I whisper it
Tears forming in my eyes
He lifts his finger to whip a tear away that had escaped.
I can’t do this anymore,
He tells me,
I love you
Marry me
He whispers in my ear.
Then he lifts my head,
For I couldn’t look at him
Afraid to start crying,
And then he kisses me
Softly.
Gently.
In a way that says
Forgive me.
The kiss ends.
I don’t know what to say except one word
Yes.
Then I kiss him
With all my heart.
Now we are what I always thought we would be
Together
Forever.
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140,579 Literary Works • 673,526 Reviews
I so jealous that you can write free-form poems like this! I have never been able to make these sound good, but you did an awesome job
I love it!!! woohoo!!!! i like the emotion you put into it. i like the free verse in it. it would work with the stanzas also but i like how its free verse!
Hey! This is good. I like the free verse in it and I honestly wish I could write such details as these! I am trying new things because quatrains tend to be what I write most. I have tried three-line poems and it didn't work too well. I recently wrote an elegy for school and I have heard from many resources that it was absolutly fantastic. I hope you continue writing and I can be of use in reviewing!
Thanks so much!
Bailey
I agree with the stanzas. It'll make it easier to read. Also the punctuation comment.
This really had feeling but I think you can make it more vivid. Make the emotions more concrete. Not just my heart is breaking, put more description into how it heart break feels. It'll really increase the life of this poem.
Hello. Not to be mean but, the poem could be turned into stanza's. Also, the poem was beautiful. It had emotion in it that can connect to your readers, making them read on. Also, I thought that it described the situation quite well.
Hey Just_Listen,
I just have a few quick comments on this one from looking at it briefly, dear:
1) Have you thought about dividing it into stanzas? It's kind of a large chunk at the moment and organizing your thought or the different aspects of your poem in stanzas can be helpful to the poem's meaning. Also it makes it easier to read.
If, however, the form represents the idea of eternity, that's okay. I just thought dividing the ideas might help organize the piece and build it up and be helpful for readers.
2) Punctuation. You do have full stops, I saw, but there are no commas in places where I'd put some and generally there's not a lot of punctuation.
Punctuating your poetry is important, because it gives you the power to determine how it s read. Punctuating is like drawing landmarks on a map. You determine where the reader makes a pause, where he connects one line directly to the next.
Here's a great article from the knowledge base, that may help you: Clicky here!
All the best,
~Kalliope