There's a deliberate rap on the door.
"Police." A badge is flashed at the peephole and she opens slowly. There are two officers there, a man and a woman.
"Has something happened?" Stupid question.
"Your son has witnessed a crime," says the woman
gently. Rachel wishes she’d called her husband.
"We're gonna move him somewhere safe. For a bit. At least until we catch
the narco."
"Narco?"
"A druggie, a dealer."
"Which son?" Rachel speaks
through the knot in her chest that already knows.
"Jacob Abram. But you call him Mikey, he said."
The male cop has not spoken yet, but he seems to be trying.
Eventually he rumbles, "He'll be fine."
She thinks about joking: who, the
druggie? Instead she says “Can I see him?"
"That's not a good idea," the woman chirps.
"Why?"
"Because he'd die."
"Oh."
"But you can video call," the
man interjects, pulling out a tablet like it's the cure to cancer.
A conversation ensues between the
low-ranking cop and someone on the other end, and then Rachel is looking at her
son's face.
"Are you okay?" Another stupid question. Her hands are clammy.
"I'm fine," the fifteen-year-old says, looking
somewhere past the camera.
"Look at me, precious-"
"I was scared but I am calm
now."
"That's good, Mikey, be safe - "
"The police will take care of me."
"Okay," says Rachel, relieved. "Love you-"
The feed cuts out; her son has disappeared. Rachel is unsure
what to think. On the one hand, Mikey isn't having a meltdown. On the other,
he’s in custody.
She notes down the numbers the
police officers give her. Forensic psychologist, a child protection officer, a
case worker. Scrawls strings of digits at the back of her planner. Thanks the
officers. Offers them cake and coffee, because that's what you do. "Please
let me know what happens, when he can come home," she says of her son, and
walks them out the house.
Her son is seated behind a desk in a bare-walled room. The Man is using his sweater sleeve to wipe a scripted sentence off the whiteboard. One swipe, and I'M FINE has disappeared.
"Now," says the black-haired man with a kindness
impossible to fake unless you are a secret agent.
"Now we'll take care of you." He wipes off I WAS SCARED BUT I'M CALM
NOW.
"You said if I say those things I go home." Mikey stares at the light switch. Then at the door handle. Then The Man’s trouser pocket. “It wasn’t true because if you don’t then I’m not fine.”
"You can't go
home yet.” He smiles reassuringly. Expertly.
“You're kind of confused, not sure whether to trust us, aren't you. Not sure
why you're here."
Mikey rubs his left wrist, which has started to cramp. He
has juvenile arthritis and all this stress is causing the beginning of a
flare-up.
He takes deep breaths and anchors on details. That’s what you’re supposed to
do, but it doesn’t calm him.
The Man is wearing a blue sweater and dark jeans and he doesn't look
threatening. But he doesn't look like a policeman either. The other guys, the
ones who were here earlier, they said something about a drug-dealer. But they
knew his nickname even though Mikey didn't tell them. They know things.
The dark-haired Man is explaining something, but Mikey can't seem to focus.
"...trapdoor numbers. The idea is, you can easily multiply two primes, but
there's no method to factorising them. Easy to fall in the traphole, hard to
get out. Unless you have the key."
"What has that got to do with me?" Mikey bursts out.
The question has been bothering him since this morning, when he said goodbye to
his mean brother Moshe and was bundled into a police van like someone
important. Someone other than the freak he is.
The man nods twice. He's been expecting the question.
"We think you may have broken RSA. So that would attract threat actors to
you."
"RSA?"
"You don't know what you did?"
The man has thick eyebrows. One of them is raised.
"Heard the term somewhere.
Cryptography?"
"Exactly. But maybe this isn't the
place for that. Come on."
He stands up, leans close, rolls up Mikey's sleeve. Is this a safe distance?
Somewhere in Mikey's brain an alarm, installed by two terms’ worth of life
skills coaching, is going off at top volume. But it's too late. There's a
needle in his arm and he is lost to the darkness.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Yay, I love crime/thriller books! Will be awaiting new chapters eagerly, but since I'm a forgetful person, is it alright if you sent me a message or something every time you release a new chapter of this? It's okay if not! But I really do enjoy novels like this. Okay, thoughtful review time.
I like the part where Rachel calls Mikey and it says he looks away; it was a really nice clue to what was happening. I just had a bad feeling throughout Rachel's interaction with the 'police', you know?
About formatting, I'm not really sure what the tabs mean, and also maybe check some grammar/punctuation stuff. "Instead she says "Can I see him?"" should have a comma between says and the quotation mark I believe. The part about if Rachel sees Mikey he'll die was a bit unbelievable I guess? Unless there's a worldbuilding reason I can't really think of a reason why right now in real life lol.
I do really like how the sentences are written, how the scene is described, etc.
All in all, an awesome, chilling prologue that really makes me want to read more!
Thanks for the review! I'll try to msg you every time I post a chapter, hoping to put one a week...
Okie, thank you!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the wretched S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Rachel’s son, Jacob (or Mikey, as he is called) has been taken custody because he unlocked RSA, but they tell Rachel that it’s to get him away from a drug dealer. Mikey says that he is fine, but he is not. He is quite literally trapped. But maybe he’ll be okay! Maybe…
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I have no recommendations to make as of right now, but if you would like to edit this, then you may.
Chocolate Bar - I love how you describe Mikey’s terror. He’s taking in details, trying his best to focus on small things and not freak out, but he can’t help but be scared. And the way the scene cut to him just reading stuff off of a white board, to show that there is more going on under the surface, was chilling. I’m scared for him.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a suspenseful prologue. I will be sure to read the rest of the story when you publish it. I hope that he’ll be okay, but I’m not sure. I have enjoyed reading this and…
I wish you a wonderful day/night! ^v^
I really like how the prologue ends, and that some paragraphs were really powerful, and make me want to find out what happens later. Despite not having many dialogue tags, it is clear who is speaking, which really shows the character voices in this novel. I also like the way some passages are written, for example: " Somewhere in Mikey's brain an alarm, installed by two terms’ worth of life skills coaching, is going off at top volume. But it's too late. There's a needle in his arm and he is lost to the darkness.", and the last paragraph is an excellent and effective way to end this prologue. Thought I feel like some parts may be redundant or could be rephrased a bit, such as "They know things," which could be inferred from the previous sentence based on the fact that they knew the nickname without being told.
Overall, it was an enjoyable read, and I look forward to future chapters.
woah… this is probably one of my favorite pieces i’ve read on YWS so far if i’m being honest. the opening was really strong imo and i loved this set up from a prologue. i’m super curious to see where this goes…