The Right Thing

Hello, this is pdavinci here to review your short story.

From the start, I felt like this was a well put together story. You got the dynamic duo, one not being the smartest, attempting to steal a couple million from one man's bank account.

I felt like for the most part, it was well developed, have few errors, and was fairly enjoyable.

There was one part I did have trouble with: "He frowned as I bounded to a stop and called my name." I feel like there should a comma here, you should split the sentence, or substitute a word for and. Reading this it sounds like Milo frowned as Avery came to a stop before Avery called out his own name. Other then that, I have very little few problems.

While I do feel that the reveal that the chief is his dad, was fairly surprising, I just don't feel it had enough impact. We never knew about the chief nor Avery's father before so I had no connection or emotional reaction when that occurred. In my opinion I feel like it should have been revealed that Milo was in fact the Chief and has been playing dumb in order to catch criminals, but that is just my opinion.

Overall, this is a good story and I feel like you could write some more creative stories in the future.

Take care.

Oooh. Okay, is this in any way related to the Flash, or am I mistaken, because Central City = Flash and Flash = Yes, so

Hi, my name is jessiebear and I am here to give you a great long review. Oh and if I say anything that is rood in this review please tell me because I don’t mean to be rood at all.

Okay let’s get started with what I like about the story.

I like the name of the story I think it soots what I have read so great choices of name. I like the characters to I like there different personalities. I know if all of your characters had the same personality's people will just think the story is lame and boring and they wont read it. So I think you have done a great job with your story.

Okay I am now going to start the review.
Okay the words witch are in bold are the words that have been corrected. Oh and like the last chapter I am going to go through the hull of chapter 2 and fixed your spelling mistakes. So it will be long okay let’s start.

Important notice!

The bright neon letters flashed across the screen in front of the bank.

The Central City bank will be closing in one hour.

One hour, I thought, 60 minutes 3,600 seconds left and there was still no sign of Milo. He was supposed to meet me here 10 minutes ago and I was getting impatient. I was sitting on a rough stone bench across the street from the bank. To my right was a bakery that had left the door open allowing the irresistible smell of freshly baked bread to float down the street. My mouth was watering just thinking about having a soft slice of it. I shook my head to clear it of these irrelevant thoughts and checked my watch again. Only two minutes had gone by, I was silently cursing Milo for always being late. Down the street a car horn honked, I looked up surprised that anyone would need to use their horn this late in the day. Slowly making its way down the street was an extremely fancy convertible with what appeared to be a solid gold steering wheel. Diamonds shone brightly from the fenders making the car seem to sparkle. I rolled my eyes and stood up when I saw the driver. He pulled up in front of me and slowly took off his sunglasses like he was in a movie.

"What do you think?" He asked, letting his arm dangle over the edge of the car.

"I think that you had one job Milo, and you failed." I said through gritted teeth.

"What you don't like it?"

"No I don't like it! Just look at it!"

"Come on Avery you know you love it!"

"I don't love it Milo and I'll tell you why. You picked the most obvious easy to find car in the entire city quite possibly the world! Do you see a problem with this?"

"It still looks fabulous!"

"We don't have time to get another one so just park around the corner." I ordered him, he nodded his curly black hair bouncing.

Five minutes later we were walking across the street to the bank. At least he had remembered to wear a suit I thought miserably. We stopped right outside the door so I could make sure he had nothing metal on him. I slowly looked him up and down, annoyed that he was a foot taller than me. He looked like the perfect business man the only thing missing was a brief case and bags under his eyes.

"Do I get to check you next?" He asked grinning, I ignored him and thought over what I was wearing.

My sweater wouldn't set off any alarms and neither would my jeans. My boots on the other hand would have metal but not enough to raise suspicion. Satisfied with both of us I motioned for Milo to follow me into the building.

I checked my watch again, now we only had 45 minutes. I sighed and walked over to one of the screens protruding from a wall to my right. I swiped the card I had retrieved earlier and typed in the number written on the back. The screen turned green and read

Welcome Mr. Dinerio!

"Why are we robbing this man again?" Milo whispered, he was a bit too loud for my comfort zone.

"Because he wouldn't notice if he loses a couple million dollars!" I snapped as quietly as possible.

"What are we even doing with all that money?"

"We are not doing anything I am going to be the one worrying about that."

"Come on Avery! At least tell me what the money is for!"

"Fine just be quiet!" I spat angrily,

"Yeast I was just wondering" Milo whined again.

"I am using the money to reopen the school down the street" I muttered quickly.

Once I had finished with the machine I slowly led Milo over to a gate. There was a small keypad and screen on the gate where Milo would need to type the password I gave him. Directly ahead of us there was a guard wearing a suit and a green striped tie. He was a few inches shorter than Milo and he seemed to be sizing us up. Grey eyes flicked over my cream coloured sweater and jeans. I could tell he had already dismissed me as a threat, instead he directed his full attention to Milo. I smiled, this was exactly what I wanted. Quietly I plugged my flash drive into the screen and Milo typed out the passcode.

"Mr. Dinerio?" The guard read out as the door opened.

"Yes" Milo answered nervously, I wanted to slap him. Any sign of fear or confusion could give us away.

"I am his assistant" Milo added quickly, we started walking forward. It would take us 12 seconds to enter the vault. If the guard doubted us he had 12 seconds to stop us before it would be too late. Milo's shoulders were stiff and he was breathing faster than before. I glared at him as we walked silently warning him to relax. Just two more steps to the vault.

"Wait a minute!" The guard called, I turned to Milo he looked like he would throw up. I felt queasy myself, slowly I nodded to him urging him to answer the guard.

"Y-yes" Milo stuttered,

"Isn't it Mr. Dinerio's birthday today?" The guard asked.

I nearly groaned, all of my careful planning and preparation for this moment and one simple fact was about to ruin the whole thing. Milo stared at me looking for an answer or reaction.

"Yes sir" I spoke up quickly, "we are just retrieving some money to pay for the party" I lied.

"Isn't that nice! Tell the boss I said happy birthday!" The guard said with a grin.

I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled Milo along behind me into the vault. Milo leaned against a wall and sighed.

"Please tell me this is it and we can leave now" he groaned.

"Nope sorry!" I said cheerfully,

"Are we at least getting close," he whined. “All we need to do is enter one more code and collect the money. Just make sure you don’t touch anything,” I instructed him,

“good” he breathed.

I checked my watch again, we only had 30 minutes now. I silently reviewed my plan making sure we had enough time. We had reached the final keypad and Milo was typing the code. I was abruptly pulled away from my thoughts by the shrill screech of the alarm.

“What did you do!” I screamed at Mio,

“I hit the wrong button!” He shouted.

My heart was pounding in my chest as I shoved him aside. I slammed my fingers into the keyboard entering the correct code. To my dismay the alarms did not stop ringing, however the door slid open. I dashed into the room and snatched electronic chips from the floor. Each chip contained enough money to last me for years. I quickly shoved them into my pockets and sprinted out of the room and toward the gate. My lungs burned and my heart felt like it would beat out of my chest. It didn’t take long for Milo to catch up to me his long legs bounded across the room narrowing the space between us.

“What do we do?” He asked,

“Take him out” I answered motioning to the guard.

“Are you crazy?” Milo shouted, rolling my eyes I ran faster and tackled the guard banging his head into the ground to knock him unconscious. Climbing off him I pushed the gate open relieved that I had left my flash drive in the screen so the door wouldn’t lock. Outside I could see the police arriving. The bank had emptied and every sound echoed off the walls. Milo made a dash for the door but I grabbed him and spun him around. He fell on his butt and stumbled to his feet, although he was tall Milo was pretty clumsy.

“Don’t run out there!” I whispered,

“Why not?” he asked flustered,

“Because then the police will catch you” I explained,

“Just follow my lead” I whispered taking his hand.

We walked out the door holding hands and smiling. I let my head lean on his shoulder, I felt his body tense as we walked past the police car but I kept smiling. We made it all the way to the car before the police pointed to us.

“Okay now you can panic” I said jumping into the car.

Milo started the engine and took off flying down the street.

“Still glad you picked this car!” I smirked.

Milo shook his head violently and let out a small whimper. My hair flew out behind me as Milo broke at least 50 laws. The police were right on our tail, and as good as this car looked it wasn’t meant to go faster than 70 miles an hour.

“Turn left” I shouted over the sirens.

“Why?” Milo asked,

“Just trust me” I yelled again.

Reluctantly he turned and immediately stopped the car. In front of us was a swift river, we were trapped. I wasted no time jumping out of the car and running into the woods along the river. Milo quickly followed me tripping over roots and vines as he ran. The police were chasing us on foot now and shouting at us to give up. I slipped my hand into my pocket and pulled out the chips. I quickly crouched in front of a tall oak tree. My thighs burned and my heart felt like it would explode. Milo crouched beside me and I pressed the chips into his hand. Without hesitating I took a deep breath and took off running again. The police were much closer now, Milo and I were running out of time.

“What do we do?” Milo asked as we ran.

He looked right at me his chestnut eyes shining. We were both getting tired and couldn’t run much farther.

“I don’t know,” I admitted.

“I thought you said I could trust you?” Milo teased.

He knew how this would turn out already. However I was not ready to accept that yet.

“Whatever you do don’t stop running,” I shouted at Milo.

He frowned as I bounded to a stop and called my name. I ignored him and crouched behind a bush. Milo was almost out of sight, I smiled, at least he would be free. From where I was I could see four police officers coming. I waited until they ran in front of me to spring from my hiding place. Catching all of them off guard I pinned one to the ground. I was immediately pulled off him and cuffed. The one who looked like her was in charge shook his head.

“The chief will not be happy about this,” he muttered.

I rolled my eyes and walked back to the road allowing the police officers to put me in a car and drive me to the station. We arrived within 15 minutes and the chief was waiting for me.

“Oh I must be special,” I sneered climbing out of the car.

He glanced at me indifferently and led me inside. Once he was seated behind his desk the yelling started.

“What were you thinking!” he shouted.

“I was thinking a school needed money and Mr. Dinerio has too much money. I did the right thing,” I answered quietly.

“The right choice! Avery that was not the right choice! Now you have to go to jail!” he boomed, tired of this discussion I stood and walked to my usual cell.

“Yes father of course, sorry I disappointed you,” I called back to him.