Published March 28, 2011
"May I ask what the fuck was going through your pea sized brain when you decided to do this?" I yell.
"I'm about hundred percent sure you are not supposed to talk to a person who is currently sprawled across a hospital bed, with a high amount of blood loss, and low blood pressure." She replies, with a smirk appearing on her face.
"Maybe I would be gentler if that person wasn't someone who decided to make the moronic decision of trying to kill themselves." Harsh, I know. I can't care less though. My anger was uncontrollable once it emerged from the depths of my being, often leading to rash, often straight out rude remarks.
"Haha," Is all I get. A dry, stupid, throaty laugh.
I shake my head in disgust.
"Look Mary, maybe it wasn't the best thing to do bu-" She starts to say, but I cut her off.
"Maybe not the best thing to do? You're weak, Sophie. You know that? You're weak. People that have strong willpower wouldn't do such a thing. But you? No, you're weak, so you decide to take the easy way out," I spit out.
I see anger boiling in her dark eyes now.
"You're one to talk," She whispers.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I shoot back.
"I know your past. You walk around school like you're the happiest person on the face of this earth. You're not fooling anyone, Mary. Everyone knows how you tried to kill yourself. That's why you moved here, isn't it?" She replies.
She knows. How can she though? It was a secret, exactly why we moved to another state. No one would find out, no one knew me here.
She smiles smugly, "You're a hypocrite, Mary. You know that? A hypocrite."
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I'm not really sure what this was..I just started writing. I'm aware my grammar is probably terrible, I haven't written something in forever. I'm not sure where these two characters came from. The POV character, she's very frank and aggressive. I'm not used to such characters in my writing, but it was a nice change. Thanks for reading.
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141,423 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
Hey there JD.. This was a pretty good piece you have here, but it could have been better in some ways. Mostly I only caught a few mistakes in the beginning half. I'll just point them out them to you.
Overall, I think the way you wrote this was very clean. Apart from one thing. I noticed the way you wrote was generally like this:
Maybe it's just something I tend to prefer, but I think your general way of writing this would have sounded a lot better if you made "shake" as "shook" and "starts" as "started". The whole writing as if in the moment thing can get a bit awkward sounding, and for me, it disturbed the flow of this.
That being said and all critiqueing aside, I liked what you did here. Your idea was clearly written from start to finish. Good work.
Hey, JD. I'm gonna try to give you a review. I haven't reviewed in a while though. But here goes.
I'm not positive but I think there should be a hyphen in pea-sized. And this is a very odd insult. It implies that the other character's brain is small but it's probably not something some one would yell in a fit of anger. Try and find something that shows anger but still conveys your point.
Oh wow this is a long sentence. I know your character is angry but if she's talking about how no one should talk to her in the state she's in, she shouldn't be yelling back. It's a long mouthful and if she had a massive amount of blood loss she would probably be really tired. Put yourself in the character's shoes. If you just went through this would you reply like that?(:
There might be real grammar problems but I don't have time to find them (PM me if you need me to do that). But your sentences are long(: It'll be easier to read if you add some periods in there. Also if you are going to keep writing this add some description. I always tell people to describe things (probably because I usually describe everything). Let your reader envision what they are reading. Paint me a picture with your words. It'll make it more interesting. Other than that I am intrigued by the story and hope you keep writing because there are a lot of ways you could run with this.
I hope that helped. Send me a PM if you write more or have any questions.
~peanut~