I was young and dumb

I decided to just give you a quick review on this after reading your other poem. I promise this review will be much shorter!

I adore short poems for their impact and because I'm lazy and like less to read. I think it's really unique how you wrote this as not only a poem but a letter and within this letter poem you included a story. The only negative thing I can get at here is I wish I was shown more and told less but that is understandable from a letter format. Maybe a flashback and this letter be in the future? That could be pretty cool, like the boy is remembering the details of that day and then this letter reveals how it all ended? That's just a suggestion for expanding on this, I like how simple it is alone.

Thanks,
Kate

I love how you made this poem so sad. If I were you, however, I would add more detail and color to further enhance the pain the character is feeling. The loneliness and whatever emotions he/she was experiencing. You can also include the reader in your poem as well. You can say things like, "Could you live like that?". It is a bit unclear and vague. You could really improve upon this poem and have more lines. It would be nice if you didn't add too much, but still put more...hmm...explosions.(?) Also, the title could be a little more mysterious maybe. You weren't necessarily dumb because you killed your friend on accident. You could explain how you even got your hands on the gun in the first place if you were so young.

Hi there I am JellyRose! And let me just say: wow! I read this and felt so many emotions at once, and just wow. The first line alone spooked me, "My breathing was shallow, But yours was gone." (The only change I would recommend is to lowercase the B). And the second line gave context along side the gun part. However, I would like to know more about what happened. Also , congratulations on this being your first piece on here. Sorry I just noticed that hah. But I like how this poem is also a letter. Wow. I hope to read more from you soon! Have a great day!

Hey Jurelixranoanad! Saru here to review your poem!

Wow. This was a really deep poem. This... ahhhh! This part of the review is going to be really short because your poem really moved me and made me feel. It really hit you during the gun part. This is your first work? Great job! I don't know about you, but I only started seriously writing poetry when I joined, and if that's your case, then what a beautiful (and tear-jerking) first poem.

Now to get to criticism.

Were you trying to keep your style grammatically correct? If so, fix the capital after a comma ("My breathing was shallow,/But yours was gone.") Maybe keep certain first letters of lines lowercase to align with sentence structure, like the last two ("But how can I live/When you are indeed gone.") You wrote 'sighed' like the breathing, too, instead of 'signed' at the end.

The syllables didn't quite match up, unless you meant that. If you didn't, try adding or taking out certain words, and maybe meshing the last two lines together.

Other than a few minor hiccups, I wouldn't change anything about this piece. It's very empathetic, and I like that. Please keep writing!

Woah.

What a tragic poem. In just a few I imagined a whole scene where people moved by themselves here and there. I hear the sounds. I saw the scene. Someday, I can also make something so great like this. I like the simplicity and the vivid image it gave to me.

It was a glimpse of how one moment of a boy changed his whole life. Kudos~ bro All hail Hydra.

Hello! DragonNoir here for a review!

I think this is quite deep and fairly effective, but it's also extremely ambiguous and too short for me to have a clearer idea of its effectiveness. I've only noticed one spelling, where you wrote 'sighed' instead of 'signed'. Apart from that, this piece is extremely short, when it could've been much longer and better than this. I'm not saying its terrible; it gets its message across and does envoke the intended emotions in the reader, but it's very, very unclear what has happened, where and why. I know it isn't a good idea to give away the entire background of a story, but this doesn't mean you shouldn't include any of it, otherwise the reader will not understand what's going on. I personally think this would work better as either a novel or short story, but it could also be a better poem if you made it longer.

Overall, quite effective, but very ambiguous and very rushed. Try adding more detail and background information.