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THE QUEEN (Part 2)

by Junie


She stopped the car and asked 'what's the matter' he replied ' I want to tell you something important '. Ja sure ' she replied.

The old man:' You are not an ordinary human you are the queen of snakes '.

She: what the mad are you saying? How can I be a snake? I am a human.

The old man: your answers are at the Marleshwar temple. (the old man left)

she : (still standing on the road full of doubts)

she decided to go to the temple and clear her all doubts.

When she arrived at the temple she saw the same old man but he was not in the same look as before he had a crown on his head and many ornaments on his body. He introduced himself to her 'I am Pingala, the chief of serpent'. She was very confused about seeing him. Is he telling the truth or not? To end her doubt he transformed to his real form, a serpent form. She was shocked to see him. She asked him ' In what proof you are saying that I am a serpent? Maybe you are a snake but how can I be a snake'. He replied 'I will give you the answer to all your questions but first, you should come with me. This temple has so much to tell you. Come with me.'

She: (Walked with him in a wonder of what's happening.)

Pingala showed her the snake pearl on the shiva lingam and gave it to her. Asked her to believe that you are a serpent and that the power of Mahadev. He gave the information that he will be in this temple if you want any help.

The next day evening when she was walking on the road she saw a car starting to go into a ditch. Vishaka remembered the words of Pingala and tried to change her form into a serpent. Firstly she can't but on the 3rd trial, she was able to change her shape and save the people in the car. She was excited and shocked. She wished to clear all her doubts therefore she went to the Marleshwar temple and met Pingala. She told him that she used her powers for the first time to save the children. Pingala was very happy to hear this news because they wanted to take back their snake world. she asked him how she got the powers of snakes. He replied "Because you belong to our world 'THE SNAKE WORLD'. Your mother was the queen of this world and she was betrayed by her sister's husband"

Vishaka: What? My mother? But I was with her for the last 21 years and why didn't she tell me about it?

Pingala: The mother who cared for you for the past 21 years is not your real mother. Dear, the time has come to let you know everything about your mother.


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75 Reviews

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Sun Sep 29, 2024 1:13 pm
candyhearts wrote a review...



Hai :3

This story is so intriguing!! I love how it's diving into this mysterious, magical world with the queen of snakes thing!! There’s so much to work with here, and I’m excited to dig into the mystical feel you’re building. I'm a big fan of scripts too, so I'm glad to see them getting some love!! There’s already sooo much potential for drama, mystery, and character development!! The snake thing is especially cool!!

I see a lot of potential with the pacing, especially with how Vishaka discovers her powers!! Right now, things are happening really fast, like zoom zoom!! Maybe slow down the moment where she first transforms. It’s such a huge, emotional moment ~~ Like, she's not just ordinary but actually a part of this whole other world!! That deserves to linger a little bit more. She could even have a mix of emotions: fear, excitement, confusion. There's so much potential for character depth!!

He replied "Because you belong to our world 'THE SNAKE WORLD'.


Like this !!!

I feel like it could flow a bit more naturally though!! Right now, it’s a little direct, and that’s okay for the beginning of the story!! I think adding a few more personal reactions or hints of how the characters are feeling could make it stronger. Like when the old man says “You’re the queen of snakes,” it’d be cool if her response had a bit more disbelief or shock. I know I wouldn't be accepting of that right away!! That's not something you understand, you know? It would be creepy!!

The snake world sounds so epic though!! I think you could describe it more, like adding details about what Vishaka’s powers feel like when she first transforms. There's a lot of room to explore ~~ Like, does her skin tingle? Do her senses heighten? Is she scared of losing control, or does it feel freeing? I just want to be inside her head and experience this transformation with her. It doesn't come off the page!!

Pingala: The mother who cared for you for the past 21 years is not your real mother. Dear, the time has come to let you know everything about your mother.


Cliffhanger, oh boy!!

I’m super into the concept and the twists!! There’s a lot of potential for emotions and world-building here!! I hope that you expand on this more and show us that snake world through Vishaka’s eyes. Like, what weird things does she see or feel now that she knows this secret about herself? I think that would be a cool edition, since it grounds her character more!! I'll be waiting for the next part!!

- Payton




Junie says...


Thanks for your valuble review and this helped me so much that I should really try to make it better..%u2728%uFE0F



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Reviews: 28

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Sun Sep 29, 2024 9:19 am
Alwaysea wrote a review...



Hi...it's me again, a quick review from my point of view

A small suggestion: you’ve labeled both titles as Part 1, which could be confusing for readers. It would be helpful to name them Part 1 and Part 2, and so on. This way, the structure will be clearer, and readers can easily follow the flow of the story.

Now, about the story: when the driver mentioned that she belonged to the snake world, I felt she shouldn’t have followed his words so quickly. However, I understand that she may have started experiencing dreams that made her curious. Perhaps she thought visiting the temple would be safe. Adding more details about how she touched the pearla and received her powers could make that moment more captivating and immersive for the readers.

Additionally, when she tried to transform from her human form to a snake, I believe this scene could use more excitement and detail. Describing the shock and thrill of the transformation would enhance the emotional impact. It would also be interesting to elaborate on how she saved the car from crashing, showcasing her newfound abilities in a dramatic way.

Overall, the story has a solid foundation and engaging elements. With a few more details and improvements, it could really shine. Keep up the hard work—your creativity is evident, and I hope this feedback is helpful!




Junie says...


Uff..Thanks for helping me noticed about the mistake of part 1..i really didn't noticed the error and thanks for your valuable review.%u2728%uFE0F




You are all the colours in one, at full brightness.
— Jennifer Niven, 'All the Bright Places'