*I put this story onto YWS through my mom's iPad, so if there are mistakes in spelling, grammar, or submitting structure, I apologize*
I noiselessly watched the gingerbread man as he continued to sit on his plate and reassure himself that no one was there. But I was there. Still silent, still motionless, still watching. I held the beam dead on his blue gumdrop eye, unmoving, unalive as always.
Suddenly, came to my ears the loud, steady beat of his jelly bean heart. The pounding grew quicker and louder with fear. As my own heart beat with anxiety, a concern came to mind. A neighbor would hear!
Feeling that I could wait no longer, I sprang into action! I had to finally rid myself of that blasted eye once and for all!
I threw the refrigerator door open and grabbed the gingerbread man. He only let out one muffled shriek. I stuffed him into my mouth, having no problem in keeping my lips pressed together as I chewed, and finally, swallowed.
How clever was I! afterwards, to clean up after myself. I made his plate spotless and washed my hands and mouth to where there was no trace of the gingerbread man.
Soon following my quarentine, there came a knock on the front door. Three officers from the local police had come to investigate a suspicious shriek.
Why should I have been worried? I let them inside, explaining that the shriek was my own after nearly tumbling down the long flight of stairs. I told them how the gingerbread man was away for the week. Finding nothing suspicious in the entire house, the officers left.
Just as the door shut, I felt a steady beating in the pit of my stomach. The quick, loud beating of the gingerbread man's heart. I started to worry. Was the gingerbread man not dead as I had thought?
Hearing the beat slowly silence, I smiled, "Eh, it will pass." And I hurried up to bed.
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138,393 Literary Works • 672,114 Reviews
Hi, Judy!
This was a cute story. It certainly gave me giggles. xD I did also worry for the poor gingerbread man. Actually, I'm a bit confused about him, but I'll cover that in a minute. Your spelling and grammar was definitely good after that first read, so no worries! The paragraphing is a glitch currently as YWS is still undergoing construction.
So the concept was cute and funny, but I'm a bit confused. I think the light-hearted tone was definitely intentional since it's a recurring theme through the piece. However, I don't know who the gingerbread man is or why Judy wanted to kill the gingerbread man. Apparently, it's a serious issue since the officers know about gingerbread men being alive. xD I also wonder how the gingerbread man is still alive when she would have had to chew the cookie before swallowing.
I do wonder about the concept behind it as mentioned before. It was a fun read, however. If it was supposed to read like a sort of nursery rhyme? (As in, a sequel to the original gingerbread man story or some such.) I think the style would have to be worked on as well as the structure of the story itself. Give more background or at least more to the story to help the reader understand the situation. In fact, that's a good rule to follow for most pieces of fiction.
I didn't really understand what a/the beam was. xD I got a glimpse of the scene in Shrek.
Finally, I doubt police would come to her door if they heard a muffled shriek? It was muffled, for one. xD And secondly, it's just one tiny shriek. Children could shriek in a house with laughter. Additionally, I'd almost have preferred a neighbor coming to her door since it was already mentioned that neighbors were nearby. No where were police mentioned except arriving at the door, and I didn't like that surprise so much.
The ending was funny! I've been getting the feeling of the main character just running all over the place, and I hope that was intentional. It definitely helped the fast-pace of this piece and provided a certain panic for the reader to hang on to just like the main character is feeling. The cliffhanger, however, could probably have had a better build-up before it. Like I said before, I doubt the heart would still be beating if she had to chew it.
Cute story, though! Definitely made me smile. I like writing fun little stories like these, and reading them is no different.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hello,Roxy here!
Haha this is brilliant!!
You shouldtry seperarte the actual start of it from the explanation of the I-pad though! ^^
I love your description of the "blue gumdrop eye" It really made the gingerman vivid to me!
You can almost feel the race as you chew down the head and heart beat!
And the way you turned it into a crime at the end was absolutly ingenius!!
A Brilliant piece of writing! Keep it up!
I would love to read some more pieces from you!!
--Roxy
I thought this story was hilarious. I love Poe's Tell-Tale Heart, and you have done a good job retelling it. I love the moment when you stuff the cookie down your throat to stop the heartbeat. It is creative and different. However, I wish you had ended it the same way as the short story ends, by confessing to the crime. He could broken down, saying, "I ate it! And now I can't get the taste of its frosting out of my mouth, forever reminding me of my evil deed!" He could go insane, and start killing other cookies, too, baking them in hot furnaces to kill them like they are bing burned at the stake.
Also, before, instead of having police come in, you could change the analogy to your story by having a baker come in and smell ginger, or her parents come in and see the crumbs on her face, remnants of the crime scene even after the plate was cleaned.
Also, I think you should divide this into paragraphs that are shorter. Though I know that might be the ipad's fault.