More Than A Friend

Hello, I'm Misfit and I'll be reviewing this piece today.

I really liked your work, the grammar and spelling was excellent and you had a great sense of rhythm in the poem. Very enjoyable.

Why must we be so far away?
Why must we be doomed to be apart?
I wish to be yours, if I may
For you have stolen a piece of my heart. I love this line. It's really dramatic.

Many times you have told me you wish the same
Wished for us to no longer be forlorn.
I brighten simply at the sound of your name
Yet, times without you, I am a dark storm.

We share so many qualities, you and I This line sounds a bit awkward to me.
Someday, I hope, we shall be together
You are indeed My Fine Alibi
No matter what, I am yours forever.
We are not close to one another, this is true
Though, nevertheless, I still love you. Good way to end. You could even make this poem longer if you want.

I'd like to point out to everyone that this was just a school project I had to get done. I wasn't really trying to make it extremely perfect or anything, just good enough to pass the class. But, I do understand your points, and will think about them if I ever write more poetry. Thanks. Just had to point that out.

Hello judyg3710,

I understand the feeling that you are trying to express in this poem and the message is conveyed very beautifully through your excellent language and way of phrasing everything. I think this is a really nice piece and I honestly thoroughly enjoyed reading this. You definitely have a talent with poetry and I think you have done an excellent job of this. This is a really sweet poem and i love the sheer beauty of your words and the flow in your writing and how cleverly you attacked this subject.

I have to agree with the previous reviewer when they said that the rhyming in this poem seems a little forced. You used good pairs of words but the writing didn't feel powerful because the writing had to evolve around the rhyming so that the words would work in the forced context. Don't get me wrong, your rhyming was very effective there were just a few parts that seemed forced and that took away the passion that you were trying to express.

My favorite line of this was definitely:

I brighten simply at the sound of your name
Yet, times without you, I am a dark storm.

This is cute! There are only a few things that I want to pick out...

I feel like some of the rhyming is forced...if you want to rhyme, by all means, go for it! But sometimes poetry can be conveyed much more powerfully without rhyme (in my opinion). I will always remember my creative writing professor explaining how sometimes rhyme can take away the beauty of a poem due to sacrificing some important and meaningful words just so you can manage to rhyme. Now, with that being said, I shall continue editing, rhymes and all

Why must we be so far away?
Why must we be doomed to be apart?
I wish to be yours, if I may
For you have stolen a piece of my heart. Good! I like this stanza

Many times you have told me you wish the same
Wished for us to no longer be forlorn. Kind of wordy
I brighten simply at the sound of your name
Yet, times without you, I am a dark storm. Here's kind of a moment where rhyming kind of made it sound a little..corny to be honest. Instead maybe you could use more of a description? Like, "Without you my cries are thunder, tears/streaming down like rain" etc.

We share so many qualities, you and I
Someday, I hope, we shall be together
You are indeed My Fine Alibi Ehh...I get the picture, but I'd kind of rather see it, instead of just say it
No matter what, I am yours forever.
We are not close to one another, this is true I used to force rhyme like this with these little phrases at the end..but it still sounds a little..awkward
Though, nevertheless, I still love you.

Okay with those little nit-picks I just have to say I think you have a lovely start with a perfect subject for an emotional poem I think one part that it lacks is the emotion. I want to feeeeel her pain. A way you can do this is showing what you're describing, not just telling. When you just tell it creates a distance from the speaker to the reader and we're not quite able to connect with the main character. If you use more description, imagery, and raw emotion, this could be beautiful

Keep writing!
<3 Sara.