Ch.7 who am I?
Galvan sat up he was in a small room, his dirty clothes were gone replaced with a soft cotton shirt and pair of trousers. The bed had red sheets that were seemed old and warn. The room was of stone with nothing on the walls.
By the bed was his bag which was moving slightly, Galvan moved out of the bed slowly and went over. Opening it he saw his clothing and the book but also he saw the cloak he had received which was moving around.
He lifted it out and parted the cloth and was met by the yelling of a stone head, “air! Oh beautiful air!” it yelled loudly as Galvan stared at the head of one of his captures. “Oh wait it’s you dang id hoped it was the other guy, were are we.” He pulled the cloak over its head which was received with more yelling.
I shoved the head back into my bag, picked the bag up and hurried to the door. Galvan pushed the door open a crack and looked out. There was a long stone hallway with many tapestries, but from what he could see it was empty. He moved out into the hallway heading towards another door he moved up to it and put his ear against it.
He began to open it until he heard voices coming towards the door he stopped moving. They came closer and closer they were speaking in a foreign language but quickly passed by. Galvan sighed relived until he heard her. “What you doing there. “
He quickly spun around swing at the person behind him. Galvan didn’t stand a chance as he was they dodged under and punched him right in the jaw. He fell backwards against the door with a loud thud. “Well that wasn’t very nice, especially from the person who just saved you.” The girl from the previous night stood over him she wore a leather riding pants and cotton shirt a sword was strapped to her side.
Galvan glared at her smiling face, “maybe you shouldn’t sneak up on people.”
She nodded regarding Galvan as he began to stand. “touché, sorry for nocking you down, my name is Hannah you are.”
Galvan straitened himself and looked her in the eyes, “Galvan where am I.”
She looked a little surprised,” the village of Dena at the east battle school. I’d thought you guess that from the emblem that’s all over the place.”
Galvan felt more confused, Krampus had munched a series of schools for each cardinal direction each covering a different thing. But the east was hundreds of miles from where they lived, on an island another few hundred miles from main land. “How long have I been asleep?”
Hannah bit her lip, “about two weeks you had a pretty nasty fever going, mumbling in your sleep, couldn’t keep anything down. The doc thought you were going to bite the dust. But low and behold here you are.” Galvan became dizzy, for two weeks he had been asleep.
A man came rushing up behind her, “oh dear he is indeed up, thank you Hannah for finding him I’d think the head master would like to see him immediately.” Hannah stepped aside as the man abruptly began leading Galvan the other way.
He pulled him up a flight of stairs until they came to a door and went through. On the other side were many young men dressed in leather uniforms with the school’s emblem on their arms. Everyone turned towards him as the man lead him through the crowd, many pointed and whispered.
They continued to an oak door which the man pushed open, inside was large desk. At it sat a rather old man surrounded by six men each dressed in different uniforms, one was the man that had saved Galvan.
The man at the desk sat up and looked at galvanic, “um gentlemen we will need to continue this later for now I must ask you to leave, except Enroth and Luneburg.” All but the two left. The man from the night of Galvan’s rescue wore a set of light armor. The other man was rather short but very broad. He looked almost like a human wall, his bald head looked as though it had been burned recently.
The man at the desk smiled brightly and looked Galvan up and down for a second, “so you’re the young man my two students rescued from this strange man. The gentlemen here who helped in your rescue is Enroth and the man over here is Luneburg. May I ask your name?”
Galvan looked at the man who smile was rather unnerving and made Galvan shiver, “my name is Galvan, sir” the man nodded.
“Were are you from?”
Galvan gulped what should he say, that he was from the mountains in which Krampus was rumored to live. He had no idea how they might react. “I’m sorry, sir but I don’t know.”
The man’s thin eyebrow rose, he looked at Enroth. “Well in any case I need to ask why had you been taken prisoner by the man, you wouldn’t happen to know his name would you?”
“No, sir all I know was he used magic, and I don’t know why he took me.” He looked at the man named Enroth he had a skeptical look.
The man stood and turned to the window behind him, “interesting I wonder what he wanted. Well in any case it would seem you are currently safe, and I insist until you are fully healed or at least confirmed to be healed should stay here at the school.”
Galvan bowed, “thank you sir, if I can be of assistance to repay you I would be more than happy to.”
The man smiled and nodded “well I don’t think there’s much to be done most of the students help out with any major chores, but the hostler could use some help with the horses later. Until then feel free to walk about unless the doctor says otherwise.” Galvan was quickly ushered out by the bald man.
He stood in a now empty hallway, he went down a few staircases passing few people, until he reached a secluded courtyard. He pulled up the flap on the bag. The head of the gargoyle laid face down.
He slowly picked it up. It made no sound, its eyes were shut, its tong hung out. Suddenly it burst to life scaring Galvan into dropping it. “Ha-ha freedom see you later kid.”
Hannah walked out into the court yard and picked up the head. “and trapped right, better not lose that he’ll be a good source of info.” She chucked it back to Galvan.
“Thanks, are you following me?” Galvan watched her closely as he held the wining head.
She flopped down in front of him, “yea sorry I was a little curious and worried.” She reached into her pocket and pulled a small cloth which she was using to hold the strange shard he had found on the hen. “You dropped when they were bringing you in.” She handed it to him, “what is it?”
“I don’t know I found it in the cave.” He starred at it, “before they grabbed me.”
He breathed heavily, this might not be happening if he had known how to fight but when he had asked Krampus, the old beast had refused. If he hadn’t been so defenseless maybe he could have escaped back to Krampus.
He hated feeling defenseless and now he was surrounded by people who were trained for combat getting home felt impossible. The thought of never seeing Krampus hurt like a knife slashing through him. He needed to learn to fight to get back to Krampus.
“hey are you ok.” Hannah was staring at him with a concerned look, he realized he had started to cry.
“Do you think I could learn to fight, like you and Enroth. I need to learn; I can’t pay but.” He breathed in. “I need to learn please.”
She looked a little surprised, “I mean I guess the, you’d have to talk to the headmaster but I don’t think he would have anything against it.” She smiled and stood, “come on.”
Thank you and apologies for taking way to long to post this but ch.7 is finally finished please give me your honest opinions on what i need to change and how well it is thank you and please enjoy. and to all those new to my books i will provide links to the previous chapters which i encourage you to tell me your opinion.
- https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=1...
- https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=1...
- https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/work.php?id=1...
End of chapter
Continue to next chapter Krampus the ancient Ch.8 SmokePoints:
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141,720 Literary Works • 675,610 Reviews
Hey Jpwriter, here for a Review Day review!
I'm going to base this review entirely off of the more aesthetic part of your writing, because I'm dropping in here at the middle of the story.
Impressions: To be honest, I think that your plot line and your characters are well fleshed and I enjoyed going through this little epic scene. It was fun, and it was strange and different enough to keep me hooked,wanting to know what other fantastical things there are to see.
Advice: Ultimately the one piece of advice that I would give to you is the fact that you're writing style is a little dry, based heavily off of "and then this...and then that...and then this again." We are to show the readers, not tell them, meaning we don't just say what happens, and we don't even just describe it to them and let them imagine it for themselves. Rather, we provide them with the means to build the story for themselves. It's a complicated thing, but it's important.
Overall, I feel like as you implement more of this into your writing, you'll find that it improves so much, and you'll have something really great, because you already have the story here.
I give it:
I'm so happy you liked it for the most part, this chapter was really weird for me, i dont know why it was so hard to right.
This shall be a reaction based review, where I express my thoughts and point out errors as I read. Note I have not read anything before this chapter so I will mostly be commenting on errors.
Quite a awkwardly discribed scene. Like you were listing stages rather presenting events.
old and worn
Personally, I like my enviroments outlined a bit. Maybe something like 'Casually glancing around he noticed just how bare borns the room was. It was a empty room, smooth stone walls its only decoration.'
In order to highlight conversation, most authors prefer to start a new line every time a character talks. They might mix discription in, but they try to put the comments first. You don't have to, just felt like mentioning.
I thought this was a 2nd person story?
Seems like it.
'Galvan sighed in releaf.' might fit better.
Knocking
You're forgetting a lot of question marks.
So far the language has been rather jumpy. The conversations might fit but the lack of comma's are starting to confuse me.
Yay potentinal misunderstandings are good for a story.
The protagonist was confused about where they were before, now this guy is talking like the protagonist should already know where they are.
Ending it on the implication of more is great but nothing in this chapter implied that they knew each other before. I don't think I am skipping out on anything in the chapter.