z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Krampus the ancient ch. 4

by Jpwriter


Ch.4 A nock at the door

Galvan sat in front of the small pen were the hen were held in the small storage area. The room consisted of a rack and a large bench on which held an assortment of tools. There were several crates filled with food and other supplies that would last Galvan the rest of the year.

Galvan was removing the burrs from the hen that had gotten out once more and had found its way into Krampus small medicine garden. Galvan had found it after waking up that morning having a spasm. He had proceeded to free the hen from the prickly trap of a Wacom grabber, and now pulled the prickly grabbers out of the feathers of the bird.

“How in heavens name did you even get up in there, I know you can fly a little but not that well,” the hen clucked annoyingly as another bur was pulled out of its feathers. “And how did you get out that’s what I want to know, hold still or ill pull out a feather.”

It had only been three days since Krampus had left and Galvan was already having a wicked time keeping them inside there pen. The first night Galvan had awakened to them sleeping on him. He had no clue how they got out but it was already very annoying.

Suddenly his hand brushed across a small piece of metal. The hen released a loud screech as the piece fell loose from its skin. Galvan tried to calm the hen and pushed back into the pen.

He turned around to look at the piece of metal. It was small and looked like it was bronze, it had several symbols on it. Galvan had studied many languages with Krampus even a bit of magical symbols but he had never seen these symbols.

He reached out and touched it a faced flashed before him. He screamed and lurched back the face was gone. He looked at the piece that’s symbols were now glowing, but it was still. Hesantly he reached towards it and picked it up nothing happened.

He looked at it turning it in his hands, it was very cold and smooth the symbols seemed to have been carved into it. The symbols flashed suddenly causing him to wince.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Galvan’s eyes flew open and saw a large lavished with furnisher. A large bed laid before him it was empty except for a sword with symbols that grew brightly. “What are we” Galvan spun around to see three people two large men a short old woman, “murders that’s what by mal.” The men only shook their heads one walked over and picked up the sword it hummed.

He smiled “so be it mother.”

Suddenly the room vanished and he was on a battlefield. Bodies strewn out across the horizon, and in the middle stood a single being bundled in a cloak but something was wrong. His head turned toward Galvan, but what Galvan saw instead of a face he saw only smoke swirling.

Galvan gasped the man laughed and flew at him the sword in hand ready to strike. Galvan tried to run but was stuck in place. He screamed as he learched up from the floor of the store room.

He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot he yelped as it burned his hand. He cradled it blowing on it when an arm reached around his neck.

He stopped seeing the flash of four sharp talons, “now amigo let’s not try to get away or you may find your vocal cords on the floor, we would prefer you alive but we just need your heart and blood.”

He sat completely still barley breathing as the claws slowly flexed “who are you.”

The person pulled its claws closer to his throat “shush little one my amigo will be here very shortly if he stops dallying at least.”

As if on cue a loud knock went out from the large door of the cave, “speak of the devil, grab his key and go let Lewis in.” Galvan heard something drop the floor next to him and felt a hand reach into his pocket grabbing the key. He heard the sound of something running to the door.

There was silent until the sound of the bars moving sounded through the chamber. He heard footsteps coming their way. He heard the door swing open and someone large walk in.

He heard no one but his captor did speak “what are do you mean I been waiting for you come on is the group waiting outside, good.” He heard something jump down from the work bench “get up now”

Galvan quickly got to his feet the claw still dangerously close to his neck ready to slash. “Follow me quick were on a schedule.” He turned around in front of him the man named Lewis stood a mask covered his face and he wore leather armor. The man was hunched over and his arm was a little bent.

On the ground a small gargoyle with one arm waddled towards the door. Galvan slowly followed. The gargoyle spoke quietly and his arm fell off and waddled over to Galvan’s bed grabbing his bag and began shoving clothes and a book from under his bed.

It dragged it over to Galvan and stopped. He picked it up slowly and the arm went back to the gargoyle. He continued to the door with Lewis following. They walked into the cavern were they found another man almost exactly like Lewis, but with a different mask.

It grabbed Galvan and pulled him towards the tunnel. They walk for a few minutes navigating the tunnels to the entrance they walked to the main entrance. Outside sat a wagon a two figures sat on it another creature like Lewis and a normal man who turned around and smiled.

“Well, well, well, well, well, well about time ya got here by mal ya were supposed to be here five minutes ago Rouen.” He had a sharp eastern accent that caused Galvan to shutter.

The gargoyle leaped up onto the strange man next to the driver “shut up you know why, its these cursed puppets there to easily distracted and I think you lost Boil he was supposed to be with those two and since he’s not with you I guess he ripped on a rock, their two weak see.” He gave a sharp kick to the one he sat on and a small hole opened in its arm.

A loud screech went out as the man seemed to quickly deflate until Rouen was sitting on a deflated body. Galvan stared at the strange show but said nothing. The man sighed “fine but can we get going we are on a schedule here ya know. Lewis, Nelly throw him in back and make sure he doesn’t get out.”

Lewis grabbed him and shoved him towards the cart he climbed in slowly as he saw the arm of Rouen jump of his shoulder and ran to the gargoyle. He sat on the bed of the wagon as the two puppets climbed in and the cart rolled away from Galvan’s home for which he felt he may never return to.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Krampus ran through the village of Audis running from a guard who carried a large barbed spear. He turned into a dark ally and launched up to a balcony. The guard’s footsteps quickly approached the dead end.

Krampus chuckled the oldest trick and it still worked wonderfully without falter usually. He smiled as the brave guard hoping to slaughter the legendary demon of fear and punishment came charging into the ally sure he had cornered the scared beast but he had fallen into Krampus trap.

He stopped confused looking for were Krampus had gone he walked to the wall and felt along it pushing as Krampus crawled from his hiding place and stood in the entrance. The guard spun seeing the shadow fall upon him. He screamed in pure terror as he realized his mistake. Krampus charged forward a relished his mighty roar causing the guard to faint in fear.

Krampus stood feeling quite proud of his execution. He gathered up his fallen cloak and climbed to the roofs and began walking to the town’s edge. He hopped to get a head start to the next town so he could rest for a bit. But his stride was cut short as he saw the moon be blotted out as the figure of a fury spiraled towards him in a free fall.

Krampus saw could see it was Megaera coming towards him. She crashed into Krampus as he caught her midair. She panted hard speaking quietly “came as fast I could, fates saw it, took him, I’m sorry.”

Krampus rapped her in his cloaked “took who Megaera what are you talking about.”

She grabbed him fear filled her eyes “Del he has him he took Galvan.”


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
298 Reviews


Points: 15144
Reviews: 298

Donate
Tue Feb 09, 2016 1:24 pm
HolographicLadybug wrote a review...



Hello again Jpwriter! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
Sorry about the really long wait. I was off YWS for a few days and got quite busy after that. If it ever happens again, don't be afraid to remind me! I won't mind at all.
Now, on with the review. :)

~Nit-Picks~

“How in heavens name did you even get up in there, I know you can fly a little but not that well,” the hen clucked annoyingly as another bur was pulled out of its feathers.

Heavens should be in possessive (heaven's).
Also, there should be a comma at the end of the line before you break to give the chicken the action. At first glance I thought that the chicken was talking.

hold still or ill pull out a feather.”

ill should be I'll. (Capital included)

them inside there pen.

It should be their pen (because it's possessive).

He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot he yelped as it burned his hand.

You've got a run-on sentence here. To fix it, put a period before he yelped.

He stopped seeing the flash of four sharp talons, “now amigo let’s not try to get away or you may find your vocal cords on the floor, we would prefer you alive but we just need your heart and blood.”

There should be a period after four sharp talons and the n in now amigo should be capitalized in turn.

but what Galvan saw instead of a face he saw only smoke swirling.

There should be a comma after face.

He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot he yelped as it burned his hand.

You've got a bit of an awkward sentence as well as a run-on. Let's fix the run-on first by placing a period after but red hot. In turn, you've got:
He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot. He yelped as it burned his hand.
The first sentence looks a bit awkward. It's probably because you've got too many ideas there. So what we'll need to is put in another period. Here is what it will probably look like:
He panted hard, what had he just seen. The piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot.

He sat completely still barley breathing as the claws slowly flexed “who are you.”

There should be a comma after "still", a period after "flexed", and a capital W on "who" (at the start of his line).

As if on cue a loud knock went out from the large door of the cave, “speak of the devil, grab his key and go let Lewis in.”

There should be a period after "cave" because nobody's uttering something in that sentence and the S in "speak" should be capitalized because it's the start of a dialogue.

their two weak see.”

"Their" should be "they're" because you mean "they are" in this.

The gargoyle leaped up onto the strange man next to the driver “shut up you know

There should be a period after "to the driver" and the S in "shut up" should be capitalized.

The man sighed “fine but can we get going we are on a schedule here ya know.

Period after "sighed" and capitalized F in "fine but".

Lewis grabbed him and shoved him towards the cart he climbed in slowly as he saw the arm of Rouen jump of his shoulder and ran to the gargoyle.

You've got another run-on here. There should be a period after "shoved him towards the cart".

Krampus ran through the village of Audis running from a guard who carried a large barbed spear.

There should be a comma after "Audis".

Krampus chuckled the oldest trick and it still worked wonderfully without falter usually.

You've got a bit of more than one idea here so you should probably have a period after "Krampus chuckled".

He smiled as the brave guard hoping to slaughter the legendary demon of fear and punishment came charging into the ally sure he had cornered the scared beast but he had fallen into Krampus trap

1. "Ally" should be spelt "Alley".
2. There should also be a comma after "alley".

She panted hard speaking quietly “came as fast I could, fates saw it, took him, I’m sorry.”

There should be a comma after "hard" and "quietly" and the C in "came" should be capitalized.

Krampus rapped her in his cloaked “took who Megaera what are you talking about.”

You forgot the w in rapped (wrapped).
There should also be a period after "cloaked" (which should just be "cloak") and the T in took should be capitalized.
Also, your dialogue is missing a few things. I won't bore you with the details, but it's supposed to look like this:
Krampus wrapped her in his cloak. “Took who Megaera? What are you talking about?”
(Basically question marks)

She grabbed him fear filled her eyes “Del he has him he took Galvan.”

There should be a period after 'eyes'.

~Good Bits~
Seeing as how I can't seem to find anything actually negative about this (grumble, grumble....), I might as well give you some positive feedback. (Still not as fun.... ;) )

I really like how you have your characters do stuff. What I mean by this is that when you describe the actions of your characters, they don't seem too out of place or stilted. They are very natural. It is a good thing to have this because it will come in handy with action scenes and stuff like that. At the same time, it won't be confusing to the reader. Great job! :)

Well, that's it from me! I don't really have much to say about this chapter other than grammar, as you've probably noticed. Again, sorry it took such a long time. I have been working on this review for a very long time, actually, and I haven't gotten to finish it until now.
Great chapter. Continue to make more like this because this was great!
~Holographic Ladybug :)




User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Tue Jan 12, 2016 7:24 am
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy hereee

I was soo happy to read this and have it according to Galvan - his side of the story. He's a cool kid, and I was a bit worried you'd forgotten about him with the previous chapter. xd I loveee that we basically get the entire chapter from his point of view, which was seriously awesome. He is such a cool character.

So what you need to do is show how cool of a character he is in more than just the narrow way you are right now, which is through almost actions alone. You explore his mind sometimes as we go through his chapter, but for the most part we stick to the action of the scene, and what's unfolding... ignoring his thoughts, worries, plans, etc.... Those are what a reader uses to familiarize themselves with a character, how they become the character's friend. His point of view also needs to be an exploration of his character, and might I also say that it's the most necessary part of the chapter. Because in the end, the main point of the book boils down to just one object: Who am I? So that should also be the main goal in your writing - to show your reader just who that character is. Just remember to show your characters' thoughts as you write. It's like an entirely different world when writing inside one's mind. c:

“How in heavens name did you even get up in there, I know you can fly a little but not that well,” the hen clucked annoyingly as another bur was pulled out of its feathers. “And how did you get out that’s what I want to know, hold still or ill pull out a feather.”


That is your paragraph.

"How in heaven's name did you even get up in there? I know you can fly a little, but not that well." The hen clucked annoyingly as another bur was pulled out of its feathers. "And how did you get out? That's what I want to know. Hold still or I'll pull out a feather."


Do you see the incredible difference between the two paragraphs? One has almost no punctuation, and many parts are in the wrong places. It's disjointed and difficult to read... and all that because your punctuation is lacking. I'm not saying this to tear you down, but to build you up. Your writing is incredible - truly, without exaggeration. I continue reviewing these pieces to help you, sure, but also because I'm enjoying your book. Your writing is just plain awesome, but there are many areas you can improve on. The most important of them? - punctuation. That's what I notice right off the bat when I read my way through. The small details and stylistic choices will come with years of writing experience, but punctuation should and will be your first step in writing. You're already better than you were in your first chapter, but you have a lot of improvement to make, as well.

I'll run you through a few spots, then direct you to a website page I hope you read.

“What are we”


This is a question, so you have to use a question mark at the end. There are exceptions to the rule you'll discover in time, but right now all you need to remember is that all questions end back in a question mark. So when you write: What are we? - don't forget that question mark! It'll change everything in your writing, trust me.

Now I'm going to go through and correct random places of punctuation so you can see what you can fix and work on~

He had no clue how they got out but it was already very annoying.


Comma after out. In most cases, you need a comma before but - because of how it's positioned in a sentence, as the conjunction.

He smiled “so be it mother.”


Period after smiled. And then you need a comma after it, as well. Don't forget to capitalize So, too. (;

The gargoyle leaped up onto the strange man next to the driver “shut up you know why, its these cursed puppets there to easily distracted and I think you lost Boil he was supposed to be with those two and since he’s not with you I guess he ripped on a rock, their two weak see.”


I'll add in the correct punctuation for this sentence, alright?

The gargoyle leapt up onto the strange man next to the driver. "Shut up! You know why. It's these cursed puppets. They're too easily distracted, and I think you lost Boil. He was supposed to be with those two, and since he's not with you, I guess he tripped on a rock. They're too weak, see."


Read through the two paragraphs, and take note of the differences between the two, okay? Especially take notice of the placement of commas, as well as the sentence endings (periods, exclamation marks). They're crucial to your writing.

I think I'll leave you with that to work on until the next chapter. I know it looks like a lot to work on, and don't worry if it looks overwhelming. This kind of thing isn't something you can just "get". It'll come to you in a long while - kind of like a knowledge and ability that trickles in over time. But you can accelerate that if you write often, review often, and try to apply what you learn. The website I'd look at is this one. I think it'll help you a lot if you spend some time reading through the articles. You won't absorb it all, but you'll get quite a bit from it. c:

Btw, you're a brat. >< Hear me? YOU'RE A BRAT. You ended the chapter at such a meannn note! You're like Suzanne Collins in that aspect, always leaving chapters with such cliffhangers. Makes me want to read the next chapter - now. Give me the next one nowww. xd I'm really curious to see how Krampus reacts to the knowledge that Galvan is gone, as well as what he's going to do to his captors. It's going to be so much funnn.

Give it to me soon!
~Darth Timmyjake




Jpwriter says...


Tim knowing you want to read this so badly makes me very happy I'm hopping to get it out soon ch.6 what have we done, I hope your ready.
thanks for the advice ill make this happen also soon I hope to have a new book I've been think about for a few years out soon.




"And the rest is rust and stardust."
— Vladimir Nabokov