Hello again Jpwriter! Holographic Ladybug here for a review!
Sorry about the really long wait. I was off YWS for a few days and got quite busy after that. If it ever happens again, don't be afraid to remind me! I won't mind at all.
Now, on with the review.
~Nit-Picks~
“How in heavens name did you even get up in there, I know you can fly a little but not that well,” the hen clucked annoyingly as another bur was pulled out of its feathers.
Heavens should be in possessive (heaven's).
Also, there should be a comma at the end of the line before you break to give the chicken the action. At first glance I thought that the chicken was talking.
hold still or ill pull out a feather.”
ill should be I'll. (Capital included)
them inside there pen.
It should be their pen (because it's possessive).
He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot he yelped as it burned his hand.
You've got a run-on sentence here. To fix it, put a period before he yelped.
He stopped seeing the flash of four sharp talons, “now amigo let’s not try to get away or you may find your vocal cords on the floor, we would prefer you alive but we just need your heart and blood.”
There should be a period after four sharp talons and the n in now amigo should be capitalized in turn.
but what Galvan saw instead of a face he saw only smoke swirling.
There should be a comma after face.
He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot he yelped as it burned his hand.
You've got a bit of an awkward sentence as well as a run-on. Let's fix the run-on first by placing a period after but red hot. In turn, you've got:
He panted hard, what had he just seen, the piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot. He yelped as it burned his hand.
The first sentence looks a bit awkward. It's probably because you've got too many ideas there. So what we'll need to is put in another period. Here is what it will probably look like:
He panted hard, what had he just seen. The piece was in his hand but was no longer ice cold but red hot.
He sat completely still barley breathing as the claws slowly flexed “who are you.”
There should be a comma after "still", a period after "flexed", and a capital W on "who" (at the start of his line).
As if on cue a loud knock went out from the large door of the cave, “speak of the devil, grab his key and go let Lewis in.”
There should be a period after "cave" because nobody's uttering something in that sentence and the S in "speak" should be capitalized because it's the start of a dialogue.
their two weak see.”
"Their" should be "they're" because you mean "they are" in this.
The gargoyle leaped up onto the strange man next to the driver “shut up you know
There should be a period after "to the driver" and the S in "shut up" should be capitalized.
The man sighed “fine but can we get going we are on a schedule here ya know.
Period after "sighed" and capitalized F in "fine but".
Lewis grabbed him and shoved him towards the cart he climbed in slowly as he saw the arm of Rouen jump of his shoulder and ran to the gargoyle.
You've got another run-on here. There should be a period after "shoved him towards the cart".
Krampus ran through the village of Audis running from a guard who carried a large barbed spear.
There should be a comma after "Audis".
Krampus chuckled the oldest trick and it still worked wonderfully without falter usually.
You've got a bit of more than one idea here so you should probably have a period after "Krampus chuckled".
He smiled as the brave guard hoping to slaughter the legendary demon of fear and punishment came charging into the ally sure he had cornered the scared beast but he had fallen into Krampus trap
1. "Ally" should be spelt "Alley".
2. There should also be a comma after "alley".
She panted hard speaking quietly “came as fast I could, fates saw it, took him, I’m sorry.”
There should be a comma after "hard" and "quietly" and the C in "came" should be capitalized.
Krampus rapped her in his cloaked “took who Megaera what are you talking about.”
You forgot the w in rapped (wrapped).
There should also be a period after "cloaked" (which should just be "cloak") and the T in took should be capitalized.
Also, your dialogue is missing a few things. I won't bore you with the details, but it's supposed to look like this:
Krampus wrapped her in his cloak. “Took who Megaera? What are you talking about?”
(Basically question marks)
She grabbed him fear filled her eyes “Del he has him he took Galvan.”
There should be a period after 'eyes'.
~Good Bits~
Seeing as how I can't seem to find anything actually negative about this (grumble, grumble....), I might as well give you some positive feedback. (Still not as fun.... )
I really like how you have your characters do stuff. What I mean by this is that when you describe the actions of your characters, they don't seem too out of place or stilted. They are very natural. It is a good thing to have this because it will come in handy with action scenes and stuff like that. At the same time, it won't be confusing to the reader. Great job!
Well, that's it from me! I don't really have much to say about this chapter other than grammar, as you've probably noticed. Again, sorry it took such a long time. I have been working on this review for a very long time, actually, and I haven't gotten to finish it until now.
Great chapter. Continue to make more like this because this was great!
~Holographic Ladybug
Points: 15144
Reviews: 298
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