Indifference

Ooh, I like the wistful feeling of this poem.

One question I have... why do you capitalize every line? It's kind of odd looking and it makes certain words stick out really awkwardly. But maybe you wanted this to happen!

I tie the ribbon in a foolish way,
Hoping you wouldn’t notice. <-- Why mention it then? Poetry has a scarce economy of words as it is, so every word should be meaningful.

Aimlessly I wander,
Searching. <-- This gives a vague flavor to the poem, which I don't quite like.

I find what I seek, <-- what were you seeking for?

But I cannot have it. <-- Again, why can't you have it? What were you seeking for?

You glance at the painting in the gallery;
Walking away, you forget it. <-- Just having "and walked away" might be a little more subtle and powerful.

The strokes that were painstakingly made <-- I don't like your adverb here... it feels like you're trying to drive home your point and you don't trust yourself to do it without really long adverbs.

Mean nothing to you. <-- I think it would be better to go on about how he didn't see some of the symbolism rather than how it doesn't mean anything. Thus, you're saying the same thing (about how it doesn't mean anything to him) but using more visual clues.

For example, you can say something (I'm making stuff up) like:

If you'd only look, you'd notice the freckle
hidden in the dimple of her right cheek
as she smiles at you, her eyes
watering with tears as you glance over her body
mechanically
and then walk away.

So, obviously I am making stuff up on the spot, so it's obviously crap, etc. However, you'll notice that instead of talking about the strokes are painstakingly made, which kind of leads to a mechanical image, I am talking about what's specifically in the picture, which in my quick write up is the girl. Kind of like the difference between someone talking about the grammar and someone talking about the characters, lol. And instead of saying that it means nothing to him, you get this image where the image is trying to attract him, but while he sees, it doesn't mean anything significant to him, and that's why he walks away. So, I don't actually have to say explicitly that he gets no meaning from it, but it's a subtle implication. And subtlety is a beautiful thing in poems.

A bird is singing—
To you.
But it cannot make a sound.
Like a shining moon covered with clouds,
Impossible to see.<-- It feels like you're presenting a bunch of images in order for us to understand your meaning better. But I don't necessarily think that's the best way. I think presenting one good image in tragic detail is enough to make your point and more.

But sometimes,
Unknowingly,
You lead me to that place,
Where we still laugh
And wish. <-- What a wistful ending! I kind of want you to tie in the place that you're describing with the rest of the poem. Maybe, the painting is a painting of the place, or something similar. That might be fun.

So yeah! Hope that helps! If you need any clarifications, just bug me!

If I cussed in this review, then would you know that I really liked it? I did. I loved the flow of it, the feeling of it. Indifference is the perfect name for this without giving to much away. I had some mistakes that I spotted, which I'll show you now.

Walking away, you forget it.

The strokes that were painstakingly made,
Mean nothing to you.

This poem really hit home. Even though there are some rhythm mistakes I can spot, they do not matter. They actually give the story a better feeling. But yes, I feel as if this poem reflects my recent life, so I applaud you. Great job. *likes* This should be featured.

-WU