Esther walked into the office of the CIA. It was hard on her losing her mother, especially since it was so sudden. It made her think about how short life was and how you have to live your dreams. Her my mum would want that. Esther snapped out of it and walked over to her computer. She turned it on and it instantly blinked to life. She logged on to the CIA network and typed her user ID in. She gained access and started looking at her emails. It was the usuall stuff. The police would often give them cases that they were to lazy to solve, so esther's main job is to scroll through her emails and send the cases that are unimportant back too the police. But that wasn't all she had to do. Somedays she would be let out of the office to solve cases. she enjoyed that. Her computer started making noises. Esther turned back to her computer and saw that she had a new case file. She opened it and it prompted her to enter her details again. She typed them in and then the file opened. The front page labelled Top Secret.
Esther's heart was pounding as she looked at the case file.
1992, 25 of February
A new sighting of a UFO has revealed that we on this planet, are not alone. Our source was none other then our top scientist who has studyed them his whole life. He believes that the aliens were sleeping, but now are awake. His evidence is conclusive, as the amount of UFO sightings have increased rapidly since the sixties. If a CIA officer is reading this, then it means I had finally passed on. I ask this only to the officer: stop them from dominating the human race. At all costs stop them! They are more powerful then they have ever been before. You must stop them now before it is to late! Go to Area 51 and all will be revealed.
Esther read it through it a couple more times. It didn't make any sense. She knew that Area 51 was supposedly where they kept UFOs and aliens, but she didn't even know if it existed. She got up with a hurry and walked over to the captain of her station.
"Ma'am, I need to ask you a question. It is important." Esther said in a hushed tone.
"Esther, this better be important. I have a case to solve!" The captain replied.
"Does Area 51 exist?"
The captain looked around cautiously then beckoned her into her office. The captain signaled for Esther to take a seat, so she did. The captain stared at her for what seemed a age, then spoke.
"Did you get it too?" she asked quietly.
"What?" Esther replied puzzled. The captain stood up.
"You know whatim talking about. The mysterious case file." She said as she looked about her window, as if someone was trying to break in so they could listen to this conversation.
"The case file puzzled me. It speaks of UFOs and aliens, but I don't know if either exist." The caption looked at her with a slight grin on her face.
"Would this be a good time to tell you that Area 51 exists?"
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: This is a pretty neat start here. Especially the premise here seems to be rather interesting, I certainly find myself already caught up in the story and wanting to know more here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...I have a bit of mixed feelings about this opening here. On one hand, it is pretty interesting, there's a lot of little bits and pieces of information being dropped here that sounds really intriguing and you get the sense that something serious is going on, but the flow sort of ruins it a bit, because it comes off sounding like a boring description of a random person's day, and it just kind of causes a sort of meh start to things.
Okay...well, this part is done pretty well. We have her clearly looking rather surprised and looking through a mysterious email which if she's in fact a CIA operative should suggest it has to be something very serious cause you assume people like that are very used to seeing strange and scary things. And then of course the reveal of the situation is pretty powerful, it certainly sounds very intriguing there.
Well..this is going along nicely, so she just runs off towards the boss who appears to perhaps know a bit more than she does...so this is a nice little continuation there, gives us a bit more of a hook to keep reading and we also get a small glimpse at the boss' personality there which is nice to see.
Well....that ends on a lovely little cliffhanger there and I love it. Its a bit on the shorter side for a first chapter and yet I think it does a wonderful job portraying a decent amount of our characters here, we get a good glimpse of their personalities and then of course there's a lovely sense of mystery there and plenty of interesting things to make you want to read and find out more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think you've done a pretty awesome job here with the start. There's only that slightly off opening paragraph that needs a bit of ironing and that is important, cause it is the first thing people read and some people may get bored and stop there instead reading on to the parts where its gets super interesting, but other than that, this is quite solid.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey this is nargles here to review your chapter.
Okay so it is okay but it needs soem work and some very drastic editing.
First up i have read your prologue and just like that you need to explain Esther's emotions better. You talk about how losign her mum was hard for her but you don't go into that much detail. Also i think you jumped to quickly from when she found out about her mum's death to when she is back in her lab.
You should work on varyign your sentence structure more, as you use lots of short sentences and it ruins the flow of the overall story.
Also you need to fix up 'her my mum' get rid of my because it shouldn't be there.
i would also try to explain in more detail what it is going on becasue it all seems really rushed. Try like i said before addign in longer sentences and using metaphors and similes.
"she looked about her window, as if someone was trying to break in so they could listen to this conversation" i would cahnge this to 'she looked out her window, worried that someone could be listening to their conversation'
Anyway keep it up and if you need any help feel free to PM me!
Nargles