The Evening air brushed against Esther's face and made her feel warm and cosy. It was a beautiful summer day in the far reaches of the American coastline. Nothing could make this day bad, Esther thought as he felt the sand in between her toes and the sunset in her eyes. She was wearing a slight smile, like she wore most of the days of her life, but this time it was different. She had been accpeted into the CIA. Her life long ambition had finally came true and tomorrow she would be off to Virginia. She was walking back slowly to her house wanting to take the rest of the day in. She breathed in the fresh air and wondered if this was the last time it would fill her lungs. She talked herslef out of these thoughts and continued walking. She felt unstoppable like she was bulletproof. Esther felt her pocket vibrating and realised she had a call. It was from her brother Daniel. She opened the phone.
"Hello?" she said.
"Esther mums dead." Daniel said straight up.
Esthers happiness was instantly drained from her and all she felt like doing was crying for the rest of her life. She hung up the phone and broke down into tears.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
AHh, well this is a lovely relaxing scene in the start of this prologue, I'd have to say this is perhaps the most relaxing first paragraph of a prologue I've seen where the CIA gets mentioned....good to see not a giant dangerous mission in progress and going wrong but someone just been happy about getting accepted into the organization and judging from what's going on here, this one is just celebrating that achievement and chilling on this vacationy spot here....although of course this does make me very suspicious that something bad is about to go down very very soon here.
Well...that just basically dropped a giant nuke on all the happiness right there....oh wow, that went from 0 to 100 very very fast, but definitely the kind of thing that makes for a really good prologue here...this, you certainly now want to find out more about what happens here. I do think the reaction by Esther can be improved, its very flat here...it's trying to convey some emotion but its not very successful at doing so. You need to show a bit more of her physical reaction and a more specific sounding thing with her thoughts rather than the general want to cry.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Jordan,
Toby here!
Down to business.
Firstly, who is Esther, a boy or girl? How old is Esther? You need to cover these things earlier on.
Secondly, you need to describe things more. It is very short, and if you are considering making this a novel then you might want to work on that.
I am also baffled with this line here:
It was a beautiful day in the far reaches of the American coastline.
Far reaches? Of a coastline? Where in America Jordan?
North, south? It is a big place.
To the ending, it is very short, an rushed. You said in four lines what I would say in double this whole work. Maybe that's just me though.
Your sentences a very long, tub to shorten them, and use better language to make it more understandable.
Esther finding out her mother is dead is the main part of this I gather, yet you spend more time on Esther walking then on that topic. For me, a prologue is where you get to know the characters and settings and things generally, but there are some clearances on that.
This text is a bit confusing. What is the CIA? Why is Esther so pleased to be part of it?
In short:
Dissect and lengthen. Use better descriptive language. Edit.
So that's pretty much it.
It is your work though, so do whatever you want with it. But this coming from a readers point of view, so it is good to take that in.
~Toby~
P.S. Evening doesn't need a capital!
hey Nargles here to review your work,
Okay firstly it is good but there are few things that need to be changed.
1. you change from saying 'he' when talking to about Esther to 'she' so you need to sort that out. also 'evening' doesn't need a capital!
2. you include some good descriptive language but should possibly work on it a bit more just to make it more clear.
3. you need to break your sentences up a bit as it makes it a bit confusing at times.
4. Also the end bit is a bit rushed and the writing instead of leaving me sad and full of emotion like it should when a learn someone just dies it leaves me with emptiness. You could possibly describe in more detail how she was feeling at hearing the news or use metaphors and similes to get the point across. Just make the language stronger and more powerful and full of emotion!
Anyway apart form me being picky it was a good effort and keep it up!!
Love Nargles xxx