Fantasy Land: The Book of Storm-Light.
As we neared the large cavern instead of having evil looks we had looks of hope flashed upon us, but still some looked at Ariadne and pointed saying something to the dwarf that was closest. The queen and king were just sitting down as we walked in they both smiled at Graf and I, I tried to smile back but it was a very fake smile.
The king stood when we were directly in front of us and he said “We have a telling that our last Drukrian made as he was dying it goes like this. There will come to our valley of the kings a human an elf and a royal griffin and they will save us from all that we feared but we must give them the book of Storm-light our greatest treasure.” He paused “I will give you what you need to find it and whatever it has to tell you.”
The king told a very large dwarf whom I guessed was the treasurer of the keep.
I walked after a giant dwarf that the king had told to lead us to The book of storm-light he turned and we walked down a tunnel that had gold incrusted on the walls. Then he paused and looked at a door made out of some strange metal that gleamed with light and also with magic.
He pulled out a key made out of solid diamond and inlaid with emerald. Place it in the lock and twisted then shoved the key then twisted again and the door swung open in ward and walked in Graf and I walked into the chamber and were surprised to see that we were walking in a storm cloud lightning hit a slab of gold in the middle of the chamber, the large dwarf that was leading us walked up to the slab and pulled out a key that was shining for some reason and opened the something then reached in and un locked some kind of bolt that held the gold slab to the ground the slab opened and steam came out almost like it was a refrigerator or something.
I walked in after the large dwarf Graf followed me then the dwarf said “There go ahead take it.” I was puzzled then I saw what he was talking about there was a green covered book siting on a gold pedestal lightning flickered around it.
I walked forward and picked up the book images and words flooded into my mined as I picked it up I fell over and my mind went blank.
When I woke up I was in a bed I saw a huge head with a beak looking in at me and I also saw Graf was sitting next to me also I sat up and Graf said “what happened?” concern mixed in with his normal uncaring voice “You just piked up the book everything went black inside the cave and when a torch was finally found you were on the floor and the book was gone.”.
I said “I don't know what happened ether but I know what the book is for. It is for finding the Storm-light shards.”
“The what?” he asked puzzled.
“The storm-light shards.” I paused then finished “They control a certain thing like fire or lightning.”
“Ah and where are these storm-light shards?” he asked.
“They are in this cavern in a dark place.” I said, “I don't know how I know this but it just is.”
“So are you ready to find them?” He asked.
“I think so.” I replied.
I got up and walked to the door Ariadne followed me (She had grown about 3feet in the 2 days that I had been in bed.) we walked to the king and queen told them what I knew and they told some dwarfs to give us some torches and make sure that they were protected from the goblins that frequented those dark caves we began our search we walked on into the caverns then we got to a dark cavern I felt something pull me to the side and I turned into a corridor and I went downstairs for about three hours with the dwarfs tromping in behind me Then we got to a chamber so huge that I could feel that it went on forever.
“Did dwarfs build this I asked another dwarf about my size.” I asked.
He said dwarfs build large things but never things this huge.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,816 Reviews
Hi there! It's me again! Firstly, you have a plot going now!
So, my tips for this piece:
1.) Characters have hearts. They have emotions. When someone tells you you are the greatest hope of the dwarves you would not go, "Oh, great. Let's get started." You would rather go, "What? Are you serious? Come on, man, that's weird!" (Not in those words, but same idea.) What are your emotions? You were perhaps shocked, you felt like your brain died, you didn't believe it, you suddenly needed (very unromantically) to pee. We want to know everything that our poor Arad has tumbling about in his brain. (Or is he too manly to be surprised?) Make us feel it all!
2.) Try to avoid the prophecy cliche. How many times have we seen characters who just get to do cool stuff because they are the unwitting victims of the Grande Prophecy? It's an excuse to get them out and about without a real reason. So don't duck out of it -- your characters need a real reason for fighting, killing, running around, climbing trees and all the rest of it. What dangers are plaguing the dwarfs anyways? We have the right to know, seeing as we'll be following the guy who's to fight them.
3.) Work on relationships. What exactly are Arad's feelings for Ariadne, and how does he feel about Graf? They are not just objects acquired along the way like in a video game, they have feelings and actions. So make them talk a little. Doesn't Arad feel sorry for killing Ariadne's magnificent mother? Is Graf too proud to express his thanks that Arad saved him? Do they quarrel, get angry at each other, teach each other things? What are the characters' relationships with each other?
So good work overall! I like the entrance of a proper binding plot!
barefootrunner
Thank-you.
Hi Jordin, when I came across fantasy or fiction stories I am always intrigued to read them. Your story has some interesting points and engaging details like the storm-light shards and the green book sitting on the gold pedestal. The turning points towards the ending has successfully hooked me in though I would be more addicted to your story if you played with a little more words and details.
One thing I learnt from my friend is that for a story this epic, you need some epic descriptions as well
"The king told a very large dwarf whom I guessed was the treasurer of the keep."
Here, you could take a little more sentences to describe the dwarf or the king. Like how does he look like in reference to our earthly objects? Does he remind you of an image? Evokes a certain colour? Or probably reminds you of a certain song?
"I walked after a giant dwarf that the king had told to lead us to The book of storm-light he turned and we walked down a tunnel that had gold incrusted on the walls."
Briefly take note of punctuation that will make your story more fast paced and thrilling to read while reducing confusion. Here is one long sentence that is hard to read yet is full of potential because you can describe the character's emotions after hearing about the book and what is going through his head as it can really connect with the audience.
But as always, writing is a continuous creative process. Don't stop writing as you keep gathering feedback! Keep writing for your audience as your story will only get better and more awesome!
Thank-you
Hey J,
First of all great plot, awesome story and keep it up! You are so improving in spellings and your grammar, work on it, a lot. Just a few mistakes were there in this chapter which I will be mentioning below also no commas and too less full stops.
This sentence means that you were directly in-front of you... That is impossible unless there is a mirror in front and I don't really think you meant that. Did you mean to say 'them' instead of 'us'?
I don't think that 'to our valley of the kings' is suitable here (My opinion) and it would look better if you cut that (again just my opinion) plus you also made a typo here. It should be 'and' not 'an'
Cut 'it' because it is a grammatical error. and I can't really understand what you mean by saying 'whatever it has to tell you'. It is kind of improper so try reading it once or twice and see if you can change that.
First of all it should be 'was' instead of 'were' in the beginning. And once again J, the sentence is confusing, the meaning isn't clear so try editing it.
It should be a full stop after about and it is 'sitting' not 'siting'.
It is 'mind' J not 'mined' at both the places you have used it, correct it.
Okay so here comes the end of my review.
My overall opinion: your imagination was great and it was very interesting, only you should concentrate on your grammar other than that this piece was a hit.
All the best for your next work! Keep writing, you are great at it.
Umaima
thanks for the review.
Mention not
Why?