Fantasy Land: The Land of the Dwarves.
Graf and I stood there looking at the small stocky shapes that were looking at us.
I said “Hello!” I paused, “My name is Aradactor Thaniar. What do you want of us?”
One of the dwarves stepped forward and said “We have captured you and you will follow us.” And then about ten more dwarves came out from behind the trees with axes and swords ready to kill.
As we walked after the three lead dwarves we saw them all muttering with each other and pointing at the griffin who was still walking by me giving a deep growl every few feet.
Then we got to a huge mountain range 5 of the dwarves went up ahead and pushed at the work in different places as if they were looking for some kind of hand hold or something. Then one of them called to all the others in dwarfish and they all heaved at one point and I heard the sound of giant iron doors opening inward into the mountain. When the doors were fully open I saw that they were about 50 feet high and 20 feet wide and also that there were about two hundred dwarves inside that had evidently started heaving when they heard or saw the dwarves outside.
We were lead inside by our captors and we got a few evil looks from some of the dwarves. The cave about us was so huge I almost staggered when I looked up at the sealing (It must have been 100 feet up.) We walked on but the cavern never seemed to end.
Finally we got to a lighted place (Lighted by the Sun.) which was a relief and a change from the torch light and the dwarves all bowed to two figures that where sitting on two thrones (I guessed that they were the king and queen.)
One of the dwarves said Lord and lady of that mountain we bring strangers from the outer lands of the valley.
The two dwarves on the thrones looked at us and the king said “What is your business in the valley?” his voice was deep and a little kind.
“We have no specific reason or business in your valley, Dwarf king.” I answered as the queen was looking me up and down.
“He speaks the truth.” She said in a kind and lovely voice.
Ariadne made a contented sound from behind me and stood up from where he had been having a very short nap. The queen’s eyes widened when she saw him. She leant over and whispered something into the ear of the king (He too was looking at Ariadne as if she had fallen from space.) The king called the dwarf who seemed to be in charge forward and told him something. The dwarf looked surprised but said something back then walked back and he said “follow me” to me and Graf we followed him to a chamber and another dwarf walked in who seemed to be kinder and asked us what our story was so we told it to him when I told him about the town his eyes went wide.
He walked out and the other dwarf walked back in and told us to follow him again and lead us to some sleeping quarters. And a higher buck up in a corner that was evidently meant for Ariadne who flew up to it ripped it to pieces and made a nest out of the ripped up mattress. Then me and Graf went over and laid down in our beds he fell asleep and I sat there wondering what the dwarves and been so surprised about. But I eventually fell asleep.
I awoke suddenly and smashed my head into the bottom of the top bunk bed. Graf rolled over and fell of the edge of his bed landing on the hard floor letting out a loud moan. I got up and saw a pile of meat and some cooked meat and some dark colored bread that I ate quickly and Graf who was still moaning ate the meat, I stood up and whistled for Ariadne who swooped down and ate the up the meat.
Then about a minute later a dwarf came in and said “You are requested to be at the king and queens in 5 minutes, I will lead you.”
We nodded and walked out after the dwarf.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hi jordin!
For a general story idea, this was really good! I may be a bit biased, because I'm a sucker for anything Lord of the Rings related, but this was really cool. I think you have some very interesting ideas, and I like how your main characters are dwarfes, so add more of that fantasy element. Now onto some next steps...
Firstly, I think that you've got a quite a few new characters here without any proper introductions. Obviously, these are your initial ideas, but I think it would be very helpful to give a brief introduction. Simply just try and state who they are, perhaps why they are there, and maybe a brief description of their physical appearance. This will be very important so that the reader doesn't get confused, especially at later point in the story.
Secondly, I'd like to read some more imagery! I mean, being of a fantasy sort of genre, I think it is really important to have imagery. Especially considering this isn't the world we live in, this is a world we don't know about. We want to know MORE about it! (we being the readers). Start by trying to describe the surroundings, the settings, maybe even the weather. As boring as the weather sounds, maybe there weather is unusual over there. Just a few things to think about.
Sealing or ceiling? Maybe I'm just being a bit stupid here...
I hope this helped! PM me with questions or if you'd like anything else to be reviewed ^^
Keep Writing!
-Arc x
Hi there! Back again for a review!
Okay, my tips for the day:
1.) If the reader has probably seen something before, you don't have to describe it that well. For example a shiny sword is a shiny sword in everyone's mind. But if there is something special about the sword, like it has a blue gem set into the hilt, take care to describe that.
2.) If a reader has probably not seen something before, you should describe it well. A griffin? Is it the thing like a bird with four legs? How does its eye look? Are they smart? Do they have claws like birds? What color and what sort of feathers? How thick? Can it fly? How long are its wings? See -- we have no idea what this thing looks like and it is pretty special, so you should take time to make sure we know what it looks like. I think you could take a moment to describe it in the first chapter. Also perhaps it has a specific smell like pigeons or makes funny beak-clicking sounds. Perhaps it looks awkward when it walks.
3.) Plot. You don't seem to have much of a plot yet. There is no big problem that spans through each chapter. They are all free-standing. Think about the popular books around. If you opened, say, Eragon, Harry Potter, The Twilight Saga, Lord of the Rings (whatever your taste is) and started to read in the middle, would you understand it? No! You wouldn't have a clue what /that/ or /that/ character was playing at, why they were so upset about losing a hair clip or why they were pursuing some object. That is because there is a plot -- a single big problem tying everything together. You currently don't have a single big problem -- you have lots of little problems that don't seem to be going anywhere. Unless you make a plot soon, this is going to be 'tales of a person who gets into all sorts of trouble' or something similarly ungripping. Maybe there is a band of ogres pursuing the travelers. Maybe Graf is carrying an important message to the Emperor and everyone is trying to stop him and the unfortunate Arad with him. Get a big problem and make the characters' lives difficult.
Good work! I like how it is picking up!
barefootrunner
Thank-you again.
I like how you start it off and I hope you continue this story.
This is a good piece. I hope you are planning on expanding it, and continuing the story. There are a lot of places for expansion, and I strongly encourage you to do so. I would re-read this and find spots to add more description and detail. That is what will help you develop your characters and make it easier for the reader to picture what is happening. I think this is an awesome start, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
And as always, good luck to you and your writing. Keep up the good work.
Thanks Adrea.
*Andrea