Published August 25, 2010
The streets were an opalescent white - with fog -
and never have my dreams been so shaken.
To wake up from a nightmare - like this -
throws us in a world of catatonic Dread.
(Now, wake!)
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Canary word: Present
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
The reason why the ending is a bit weird is because you made it go from slightly boring to extremely jarring. And the jarringness of the last line (a very forceful command) is startling (and not in a good way) because the rest of the poem is rather laid back. It's kind of like a mother singing a lullaby to her baby and then slapping him. So, tweak the ending a bit more.
The piggy said to...and I thought you did too? >.> I can always change it back! (I dunno'. T.T)
JON. What did you do?!
That second last line is horrible compared to your previous one. Like, it's just terrible. I'm glad you've kept it in past tense (Although I still think you could lose the fog bit) and I love the new last line. But. The second last line has to change. oO Well, not has, but... should. I was stunned to see it. Your previous line was perfectly okay as it was, why did you change it?
- penguin.
Piggy: I agree with you...I'll tweak the ending a bit. ^^ thanks!
Pengu: Well, I'm not too sure I want it in the present tense, but I like the very ending you made; "(Wake up)"...though I may make it different, just more 'punchier'. ^^
Lindsay: Glad you liked it!
Original: Thanks. ^^
I liked this short poem immensely, but I think you should revise the few verbs that were weak. I hope you take this review into consideration! Keep on writing!
~Lindsay
Joooooooooooon.
I am very happy to see something new from you! First off, I love the immediacy of this, the short and hard tone and the wonderful feeling it evokes. I don't think you should change too much - although this being a short poem asking for one word to be changed equates to a kilometre, does it not? Okay!
So. I re-read this after I made my comments and thought "Why isn't this in present tense?" I'm going to show you what it's like in present tense (with my suggested revisions that you're free to ignore) and we can both work out if it sounds better.
The streets are opalescent white < Removed "an" here because while it works in past tense it was awkward in present.
and my dreams are shaken. < A simple change to present.
To wake from a nightmare - this - < I've removed the "up" here because I think it's not necessary. How else do you wake? Unless it's a wake, which is different. I've also removed "like" from the second part because I felt that "this" was more to the point, like a stab in the dark. There's just extra force in it.
is a new world of catatonic dread. < Same revision as before with the lack of capitalisation of the "Dread" because I'm not sure why you capitalised it. I realise that it may signify some extra influence on the word, but dread is fairly weighty on its own, without the emphasis. My second thought is maybe to lose the "catatonic" because it's not necessary exactly. It's lovely there, very strong, but it's also not needed. But that's very much your choice as I could live with it either way.
(wake up) < I've reduced this because it's punchier, as an ending aside. It's clear and it's powerful. The lack of punctuation lends to the strength of the line and it's a fairly memorable ending (I believe).
Okay. I've taken some extra liberties, which I've explained in another colour. I think you may want to consider using the second version but I also like the first version very much. Again, wonderful to see new work from you!
Always, pm or find me in chat if you want to discuss anything!
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I agree with snoink, you're first two lines were awesome, but I liked the rest as well. This is a great poem, with great imagery in the first lines.
OMG, a new poem by wisemann210?!
So, I liked this for the most part! The first three lines are full of awesome. It's the last two lines that looked like you got stumped so you put whatever you thought might sound good. Which means... it didn't sound good. XD
So, a couple of thoughts!
puts <--!This is a very weak verb! Don't use it. --> us in a new world of catatonic Dread. <-- A new world of catatonic Dread? Sounds like you're TELLING us something that you should be SHOWING us instead.
(Just try to wake up.) <-- Sounds like an add on. Which might be powerful, except you didn't show us anything. So work on that a bit.
Happy editing!