A pain in your soul,
You seem invisible.
A big gaping hole,
And it takes its toll.
People don’t realize,
How bad it hurts.
Your courage dies,
No matter what the efforts.
All they see,
Is the person behind you.
You just want to be,
A person that they knew.
You wish from afar,
That color filled you.
Then maybe they’d look,
A second, maybe two.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Very nicely put. I love how you chose to word what you felt. It comes out clear and understandable. Plus, I feel the rhyming just makes it that much better. I also like the rhythm that this poem has. It keeps the reader going. The moment I finished reading this I wondered: "What is the story behind this?" Is there a mystery behind this poem? But just because it makes me wonder I give you two thumbs up! Getting a reader interested in what was going on in the authors head is not an easy feat. At least in my experience.
I really loved this!
The topic you chose is of real releveance to so many teens today, so immediately your readers here on YWS could relate to this piece. The rhymes were in places clever and flowing, and in places awkward and seemed forced. But thats ok: give me a writer that can produce flawless rhyming every time... they just don't exist. So well done for that.
I agree with the others on the last stanza. livinginfantasa put it well: it was flawless! When I finished reading I thought wow, that was great! It was just heartfelt and tender and sadly true. Great job!
This is good, although I'm not a major fan of depressing poetry.
Good job at keeping your structure and flow consistent; that's always a good thing as it makes it easier for the read to get into the swing of things. Also, you have a good rhythm and rhyme going on, so top marks!
Line four, stanza three; A person that they knew. I think this could be improved by dropping a syllable, or gaining a syllable in the line above. Perhaps drop the that so that it flows along a little better.
Happy writing!
The poem was okay, I feel it lacked emotion. And the third stanza confused me a bit, I suggest re-wording it.
The last stanza was flawless, though. I loved it!
I really interesting poem, I love the emotion being expressed (well obviously not feeling it, but you know what I mean!
)
One thing I noticed was that the rhyming scheme was a bit off in the first stanza, tough I will admit it is kinda hard to find something to rhyme with "invisable" lols
Couple of things I noticed:
1.
Personally I think it would flow better if you replaced "no matter what" with "despite" but this could be just a personal preference.
2.
I love this last line! I don't really know why but i think it is a perfect ending to the poem. I just thought I'd point that out