All of the emotions,
Mixed into one.
That's how I felt,
When this was all done.
So many friends gained,
And countless memories.
They were torn from my life,
The tapestry now frayed.
Mementos of thought,
And the sadness of loss.
Fill my mind and I wonder,
What a backwards plot.
Binding friendships wove,
So strong and quick.
Like the cement of life,
Why cant real-life be like this?
Laughs and smiles,
Mixed with stares and glares,
Made what we had,
Filled with our cares.
I will never forget,
My memories so strong.
We will always be connected,
Through this world, so long.
I could say ciao, adios, or bye,
But however we must part,
I'll never really say goodbye.
But adieu adieu my wonderful friends.
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140,178 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Yay for great openings!
Eh.... not a big fan of this.
When I read this out loud, I find it weird
since 'life' is repeated. Consider changing?
The 'made what we had' switching
to the 'filled' doesn't seem right. I can't
exactly pin-point it. You may keep it, but
I'd try thinking of something else to make
this flow better.
I feel that the coma there should be a semi-colon
since it doesn't exactly make a sentence.
Perfecto bello, molto beno! Si, si! Muy artistico en
il poesi!
Basically, I'm saying how amazing you are at poetry.
Hey Jon! June here! Bravo! Another poem =D.
.
. It's very important to have this information in here so that it reflects some of what the narrator feels, but I just don't know if it suits the poem well in the way its written. Maybe reconstruct?
Let's get to work!
First stanza:
I like the opening, "All of the emotions," it really opens the setting well and introduces the reader to the tone of the poem. I like the lines alot; they are short and simple, creating a perfect un-rhymed rhythm going on here and I like it! It's great!
Second stanza: I love it. I loved the imagery of the frayed tapestry. One thing! I think that instead of using a period in the second line, you should use a semicolon, because you're not closing off the thought completely, y'know?
Third stanza: I like the imagery you use here-- but read this aloud? The end kind of fades off and sounds nearly incomplete, you know?
Fourth stanza: I like how you raise a question here that mirrors everything above it. Hmm... I wonder, should "wove" remain as wove or change to "woven"?
Fifth: The last line almost acts as an oxymoron to the above words, you know? It's like, it feels icy-cold and mean, and then it warms up with the word, "cares".
In the second line, stares and glares makes it drag, and it's the only line that has an in-line internal rhyme.
So! What do you say about dropping "care" and somehow reconstructing the rest of this and using "glare/stare" in the last line? I just think it would flow better that way
Sixth Stanza: I'm not so sure how well this works
Seventh, closing stanza: I like how you end it with saying good bye. I'm not sure if the repetition of adieu was intentional or not, but if it was, it needs a comma between them... unless you're saying that like "Bye bye?".
It has what I believe the intended effect on the poem-- the solemn, closing of the poem, not only closing the piece but closing up the memory they're revisiting in this poem.
... I hope that makes sense?
Overall, I liked it a lot. Some parts were hard to read when read aloud, but depending on how the reader pronounces each word, it can flow smoothly and effectively.
And I totally hope that this review made at least a pinch of sense?
Great job! 10/10
June