Taking back what you once
gave is a painful process–
So I urge you to give
not– but to take all
that can be taken–
And may the spirit's
blessings fall upon you,
my son.
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140,159 Literary Works • 673,032 Reviews
Hey there. I see that you have a couple of poems in this style submitted recently. I've been absent from YWS for a while and I haven't yet scoped your profile, so I don't know if this is a series that you are writing, or if it's your niche. I don't absolutely love everything about it, but you definitely have a good thing going for you. It reminds me of someone but it has enough of what must be your originality, because I really can't place who.
Did anyone specifically influence you, or maybe a few different writers?
I want to give a more in-depth critique, but I would really prefer to hear back you what you'd really like feedback on, because there are so many facets to this type of writing that I could waste a lot of input on taking a wrong turn, I'd like to have some 'directions' first. Hardy har.
Keep writing!
At your service,
Mandorelute
Very short and sweet, with a bit of pretention sprinkled in
I think you summarized the "get in, get out without being hurt" mentality people feel in relationships; it's human nature. That's just my interpretation of it. It's impressive though, that you managed to capture a snapshot of such a complex emotion.
Very anti-normal. I don't necessarily agree with with what is said in this poem, But it sounds like the "Father" is trying to lead the "son" on the wrong path. All in all, I like it, but it sounds as though it should be part of a story instead of a poem.
Jonny! I love the title. This is definitely one of those cases where the title is as much a part of the poem as any of the rest of it, and that's exactly what a title ought to be. (Lord knows I need to learn how to do that. xD)
At first I wasn't sure about how you phrased certain things, like how you have that dangling "not" instead of putting it where you usually would, after "you". But having that enjambment is really what makes those lines work, makes them poetic instead of just a sentence.
The beginning is what it is, pretty plain-spoken, but meaningful. The last few lines I'm not quite sure about. They make sense as something for a father to say to a son, but in something so short, they don't--to me--fit the context. There might be another meaning behind it that I'm missing, that connects with the beginning more, or an overall meaning that I'm missing that connects them both, but I'm afraid I'm missing it.
With something that short, I guess that's the only beef I have. I love the title, like I said. I had to think a little, try and come up with what it meant with the poem, and I was thinking maybe, since it's his son, it has to do with what he wants him to be? How he wants him to be? He wants to sort of create this person in his son, who acts that way--takes all he can and gives nothing.
That sounds really selfish the way I just said it, but you made me able to sympathize with it by what you said in the first couple lines.
So I guess to conclude, since this is so short, try to really really focus your ideas and merge them into one thought as much as possible. =]